so make no plans and none can be broken, no plans and none can be broken

 it’s strange how things just don’t change. all i do is complain, and i’m too scared to change anything. there are too many what ifs, and i can’t take the plunge. i’m too scared to look for another job, i’m too scared to ask him out, i’m too scared to buy a house. i’ve never been scared of the unknown until now. trying to manifest something - genuine happiness that is not fleeting, falling in love, making a good change. i just feel like it will never happen.

turn out the lights, it's my fault, i’m never alone

 it’s sad when you realize a friendship is one sided, and has run its course. i feel like i’m always being used, and i’m seen when it’s convenient for them. its always all about them, and their problems - it becomes a battle of “who can complain more”. and i’m always wrong, and my thoughts are invalid. it’s frustrating. were we still friends because of the nostalgia? i wish i knew. 

i've got bruises i can't place, oh, i've been coughing out blood

why are you so dim. i’m not interested in you, and never have been. it’s been 4 years, just stop. i won’t be your manic pixie dream girl.

whoever is trying to stir up drama from almost 20 years ago can fuck right off. what is your fucking problem?! 

there's no need for novocaine, i’m making use of the pain

i wish i could make my brain shut off. stop overthinking so much, and stop reading into things and misinterpreting them. this has gotten me into trouble before. 

i hope for rain to wash us clean and make a brand new start

 going through the motions, day after day. just existing. wake up, work, eat, sleep. i can’t shut my brain off to relax. it starts panicking about work, and then the intrusive thoughts start. how since i’m by myself, i don’t deserve to have a life. i have no motivation to do anything other than work. i complain about working on the weekends, but what is the point of complaining. i barely leave my house, and have no life outside of work. my friends try to include me, but i’m just a burden. they have their own lives, their own families. i’m just…there.

exhale but don’t blow out the flame

 sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever feel like i’m enough. that i’m satisfied with where my life is, and where it’s going. i just can’t help feeling like i’m behind. i have come a long way from the broken, shell of a person that i was 5 years ago, but i feel like i still want more. like it’s not enough. 

cast me aside to show yourself in a better light

 it’s funny how life turns out, it’s like a cruel joke at this point. i just need to compartmentalize this and move on, but i can’t. i don’t even know how i should feel, this just adds to these feelings of loneliness. i know i should feel happy, but i can’t.