drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back

i wish my summer was fun.

so i went to a club last night and danced with a guy for the first time ever. and i hated it. he stunk, was ugly, kept on nuzzling my neck (i was like what the fuck?), and then he started humping me, so that's when i pulled away from him because he wouldn't let go of me and i left my friends and i went to the bathroom. and i didn't wanna go back out, but i had to because i didn't wanna worry my friends. i hate dancing with guys like that, i need my space. the only time i'll dance with a guy is if that guy is v2.

i used to do that at my old job every single day because i was treated like shit. one woman there hated me, i got yelled at when i couldn't find a medical file, meanwhile i was lucky if i found anything in that disorganized office. and i took the metal thing from a file folder and cut myself with it. i was so fucked up.

"i am thinking about breakfast, but i have no intentions of eating it."- shaant, from cute is what we aim for

he has to have an ed, he is so fucking skinny, and only someone with an eating problem would say that. but shaant is gorgeous, i <3 him.

OMG THE KILL IS ON MTV2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MODERN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the kill= greatest song ever, so i get a bit excited when i hear it.

so i found out some... interesting news from a friend of mine and v2s- HE HOOKED UP WITH HER FRIEND!!!! AND (for those of you that don't know this) HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, SO HE CHEATED ON HER!!!!!!!!! which means that if he comes to our friend's going back to school party, which i'm going to, and it involves drinking and a limo, and if he gets drunk, then i'm so gonna try to hook up with him (aahh, my first kiss!!). apparently he turns into a slut when he's drunk because that's when he hooked up with the girl. but he's such a hot slut, so i don't care.

can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

so i went to my jazz teachers wedding today. she looked beautiful, and she was so happy. i want to be happy, to find the one. v2 was there because he's my tap teacher, so we were chilling with him. he looked so cute, and i just got all sad because i want him sooooo badly, i have this sick infatuation with him, and i know i'll never get him because i'm fat and i'm not supposed to be happy, my life is supposed to suck.

i'm talking to k, who i really want to fall off a cliff and die. i'm giving her advice about guys, when i'm the one that has zero experience with them.

i want to be numb, for all of this pain to go away. just drink it all away until i'm fucking trashed, or cut it all away until i'm passed out from the loss of blood.

98lbs by December 29th.

i can see the venom in your eyes

snakes on a plane was such a good movie, i went to a special showing last night, it rocked. hot guys, funny one-liners, a guy getting his dick bit by a snake and all the guys at the theater freaking out, and "i'm sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!".

gained 5.2lbs, i suck.

got my laptop, i'm happy.

i saw step up on wednesday, it was really good, but it made me depressed. when they were dancing by the water on the roof, i was so sad because i want that so badly. i want to fall in love with a guy that can dance and make me feel the way tyler made nora feel. i really want v2 to be that guy, but he won't. he has a girlfriend, and i'm not supposed to be happy, so i won't ever fall in love and have that. i don't know what the fuck i'm saying anymore.

its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to

i'm so ashamed of the way that i eat and the fact that i'm too exhausted to exercise that i won't post in my.... more public, i guess, ed journal. i feel like i'm not a "real anorexic", that i don't fit in. for once, i fit in, and i don't want to fuck it up by saying i had a box and a half of macaroni and cheese and having them all go "oh, don't worry, you'll burn it off", all that bullshit meanwhile they're thinking "fucking fatass". that's why i'm kind of proud to be ed-nos, with exercise bulimia, i fit in with a group, for once, even if sometimes i have to pretend to be this amazing girl that can fast and go to dance and not want to die, that won't eat a large fries, that can pretend that its all ok. i feel so fake.

i did go to the gym today.

i went to the gym, i go to curves. what you do there is basically go around in a circle and you jog and then go on a machine and some people don't like to go in order, they like to move from one side of the circle to the next. it pisses me off sooooooo much, like today i jogged and i went to go on a machine and a woman walked from the other side of the circle and sat on the machine and then she got back up and did another machine when she saw me, because that's just fucking rude.

i did a survey on myspace, and it was therapeutic, its 10 things i probably should say.

instructions: write ten statements, intended to different people - things you've always wanted to tell them. never tell which one is to whom.

1. sometimes, you're the only person that makes me feel sane. i love you more than anything, you are literally my other half. you know how some people are just destined to meet? we're like that, and that's why you make me feel sane and normal.

2. you still don't know what i would do for you. that night junior year when i called you crying, i had already cut myself for the first time, fearing that you had already killed yourself. but once you called me back, i knew you were better, but remember- if you do it, i'm right behind you.

3. you're amazing. you have no idea how much i admire and respect you. you're an amazing dancer, a gorgeous, talented, funny guy, and i want to drag you into the basement of dancing school and do things to you.

4. please let me do this. i feel like I have to, if only for one semester. i don't care (well I do) if you won't pay, i feel like I have to at least try to do it. if my knee can't handle it, then i'll transfer back, but please, let me try it for a semester. just let me follow my dream.

5. i'm sorry. but please get me the help that i need.

6. stop talking, because no one believes a word that you say. i hate you. now go fall off a cliff and die. and you weigh 105lbs? bullfuckingshit.

7. i really don't like who you've become, i miss the old you. the one that was the head nerd, whose idea of fun wasn't making out with a girl (not that i have anything against it), trying to get me drunk THE NIGHT BEFORE MY FUCKING DANCE RECITAL WHICH I HAD A FUCKING HANGOVER AT THANKS TO YOU!!!, drinking, going to a hookah bar, i miss the old you that i met back in spanish class.

8. make up your mind already. you're a grown woman, now act like one. pick a fucking college and go to it. no school will accept you if they see a transcript with 5 different colleges on it.

9. you're a disgusting whore. you're going to end up pregnant or with an std and i won't give a fuck.

10. can i just have one chance to prove myself? please?????? just let me take one class, i can handle the physical stuff, i can do whatever you throw at me, just give me a chance.

don't you weep

i'm so fucking sick. one of the little monsters at camp gave me the cold from hell. i've been coughing non-stop all day, it sucks.

i <3 bright eyes- one of their songs is a favorite of every girl with an eating disorder- "you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black, going to the bathroom always saying you'll be right back" (i don't think i got that right).

gained horribly last week, 3.8lbs. fasted from 1am-6:15pm, it would've been from 6:30pm, but i had to eat a spring roll whilst watching t-minus rock. then i saw flyleaf's new video and how gorgeous lacey is, and i put back the onion rings (why the fuck was i planning on eating those?!) i was going to eat and contemplated purging, but that wouldn't have been too good because i had just taken my medicine and i didn't want to purge it up. and the fast was supposed to be from sunday night until tonight, but then my mom made dinner on last night and i had to eat a little bit. fasting maybe from tomorrow afternoon after lunch at camp (i have to eat because then the kids will be like "why aren't you eating" because we make them eat their lunches) until thursday?

i was fasting so i would look good for the underage scene boys at the cute is what we aim for concert that was tonight, but i wound up not being able to go because none of my friends could go with me. but we may be traveling to the shithole that is jersey on the 23rd to see them, so i'll probably be doing a 2-3 day fast then. i then start classes on the 30th, i have to purchase my text books.

camp and then the jonas brothers concert tomorrow at the theater that i work at, i can't wait, its gonna be awesome. i wonder if i'm ushering or being the super-awesome merch girl that i sometimes am. i hope that we get to meet them, the one that's my age is hot. but the opening band is a wannabe spice girls, so myself and my fellow ushers/dance homies shall be yelling insults to them, lol.

my uncle has a myspace, he's 43. he sent me a message telling me to get off of there because there are creeps on there. um there's creeps and weird (not in a good way) guys everywhere. i ignore all of the weird messages i get, i only met a guy from myspace once and he was fucking strange, and when i had a guy that wouldn't leave me alone, i blocked him. i'm smart with mine, i don't add anyone over 21 unless they're really cool/taken/or i know them. a good portion of my list are my cerulean butterflies, boarders, cheerleaders (i was one in high school), college buds, and dance homies. the rest are bands and really hot guys. ok, i'm done.