i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. i think he's flirting with me.

that razor is looking pretty fucking tempting.

he's sending me a poem...oh dear lord it sucks.

there is no way in hell he's seeing any of mine.

have some composure, where is your posture?

i think i'm about to break someone's heart.

oh good, he just asked me about hanging out. but i have no free time now, so i told him we would after christmas. maybe he'll forget about me by then. god, i'm such a hypocritical bitch, i'm fucking stalking v1 and then when a really sweet kid wants to chill with me i turn him down because i know i'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. i'm a fucking mess and i need to sort myself out before i get involved with someone. unless that someone is a mess like i am, although i don't think that would be good for either of us.

god i feel like a fucking bitch. he's so nice, and yet... i dunno. fuck. i may sign off now just so i can stop talking to him and not feel like a heartless bitch.

i need severe help.

i'm getting the urge to self inflict again, this time i want to burn myself with my hairstraightener because it has like comb teeth and i could dig them into my skin and just burn myself. oh god i need help.

save me.

i feel like i'm going to cry.

now come one, come all to this tragic affair

did you notice me at school today? i most certainly noticed you.

deaddeaddeaddead.

relax, relapse again.

diary is such a great book. i read it during my india class instead of watching some movie today. ok, well i paid attention to the movie, its subtitled so whenever someone spoke i glanced up to see what they were saying. but its fucking amazing, palahniuk is a great author, i need to read more of his books. (and i've wanted to read his books for years, before i started listening to panic!)

winter is finally here. this is my favorite time of year, everything is dead, dark, and dreary, i love it. the sky looked perfect, pure white, no imperfections, and the cold was sharp, but not bitter. just cold enough to let me know that i'm still here.

so what if you could see, the dark inside of me?

this afternoon was fun, e and i chilled, i ate dinner with her family, it was nice. i'm so happy that she now has a guy, but i hate being the only single one because then i just stay at home, whenever everyone has boyfriends, they never call me or hang out with me.

help me through this nightmare.

you get my teen heart beating faster

nobody likes you, everyone left you, they're all out without you having fun

i can barely keep my eyes open, i feel like i'm going to pass out.

ok, so i added a 29 year old on myspace, i was being nice, and its always fun to have new friends, and he's fucking hitting on me. he's ugly as hell and far too old for me. and he wants to meet me. hell fucking no!!! i did that once, that guy was so weird, and i vowed to never do it again. this guy wants a relationship, and i'm 10 years younger than him, that's just... gross! he should find someone his own age, if he wants to hook up with someone that's not even 19, there is something wrong with him. like if he was maybe 26, 27 (and good looking), i'd be ok with this, but he's 29. i need to block him on aim, i forgot to do that before, he's obsessed with the internet, and he was asking me about livejournal, which i do have, but i'm not giving it to him, so i gave him a bullshit excuse of i stopped updating it and he was all like "why don't you update it?" so i just said it contained a very dark period of my life, which included a suicidal best friend and he wanted me to go into fucking detail. and he got annoyed when i wouldn't!! asshole.

fuck, i forgot what i was going to say. oh, i began drawing again. just some simple traces, but it feels so good to do this, maybe tomorrow i'll actually draw something.

a long night spent with your most obvious weakness

i wrote this on september 18, 2003 for my english class. this was right before i began cutting.

"cut"
i need a release, an escape
Something to help me get out of this place
i slide a blade across my wrist because you make me feel like i’m going to choke
with just one cut, just one stroke
i’m leaving this world
i lay down on your bed, and into a ball i curled
there is blood everywhere, making a mess
that fact to you, i must confess
i love you, but now i’m gone
i’m sorry for what i’ve done
forgive?

i know it was supposed to follow a rhythmic pattern, but i don't remember what kind. i kind of like this, but i think if i wrote it now, it would've been different. i can't believe i gave this to my english teacher, that was so fucking stupid. but she never said anything about the subject or told a thing to my parents even though this poem was a total cry for help.

i'll strike a violent pose

so once again i'm the only single one. e and r now have boys, and what do i have? a chihuahua that i have full one-sided conversations with. i'm such a loser.

did about 1500 cals today, drank 2 different things of starbucks, had pretzels, and some fried food that my mom got 'cause she picked up dinner. i did go to the gym, and walk around the mall. before i ate the fried stuff i was 167/168, so i should wake up as that, which is ok. for the gala i'd like to be 161, which was my lowest weight of the year. i don't know if that will happen, i do hope that it does.

tomorrow i'm chilling with e, we're going to the gym and hanging out after, which should be fun, i haven't seen her in forever.

a kiss before she goes

picked up diary by chuck palahniuk, i began reading it on the bus on the way home from the mall. i miss getting lost in a good book, and this book is absolutely amazing. and listening to panic! while reading it made it even better because i could see where ryan ross gets his ideas from (some of the songs are based on palahniuk's novels).

i think i'm gonna start carrying around a notebook to jot down random thoughts. i had so much stuff running through my mind today, like "this smell is making me nauseous. its like a cross between something sweet, and something sour. but its somehow familiar, somewhat comforting.", and i wish i remembered more so i could write it on here.

its sad that i need to spend money to see a guy that i think is cute. wow, that just sounded like i go to a strip club, lol.

gala on saturday, i'm excited. i need to be good with food this week. i have to be. i need to feel pretty in that dress.

i like my loneliness

another late night filled with dangerous thoughts and frivolous dreams.

went to church tonight, i say the words but i don't believe any of them. i'm not sure about what i believe [the best part of believe is the lie] in anymore.

my body is dead but my mind is alive. won't you please find my off button and shut me down?

i'm a half-completed crossword

supposedly, these are some of the new panic! at the disco lyrics that ryan ross is writing for the new record. if these are really his, then i'm so happy. (titles are in quotes)

"A minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection"

I'm a half-completed crossword
Find your school: city state search
Oh look! Oh look! She's become a model now
Crash her wedding, she's wearing red shoes
but she hasn't a thing to wear
I'm a fighting man, but I've no hands
But if you like, I guess, I mean, I guess I could tie the boxing gloves on anyway
One boxing match in the church baby, a shotgun wedding
With boxing gloves instead of a shotgun, baby


"Matrimony is Paving the Way for Preplanned Alchemy"

As the rain falls, my umbrella doesn't always work
drip drop drip drop splish splashing in my brain
It's a flood honey, a real mach five
Oh dear, I fear a dreadful drizzle my dear
It's time to fly south with the mice
Dripping dripping dripping in my Sunday morning tea
One lump or two? How do you do? It's the monopoly guy
These mice aren't blind, baby, but I guess they don't see the light
But you know, maybe it's just dark or something baby, I don't know
It could be the wool pulled over their eyes
by father time or a gardening bird
I like to write but my hands aren't working for me
I've just created the unabated understatement of the century
It could be the wool pulled over my eyes
but that's just a refrain


this boy is a fucking lyrical genius.

i think i'm going to try to start drawing again. i used to be good at it in middle school, of course we would trace pictures of people, but it was cool. first pic would be a tracing of the picture, second would be half-traced and drawn, and the third would be completely drawn, mine used to come out so good. and i used to be pretty good at it back in high school too, but i need to work on drawing people, that's something that can definitley be improved upon.

teenagers scare the living shit outta me

i found this on my lj when i was just looking through old entries, its a survey of what i want my perfect guy to be like, i tweaked it a bit (it was written in june 2005, the end of my senior year).

1. GORGEOUS eyes; either green, blue or some shade between the two. or bright honey brown, ommmmmmmmmg.
2. blonde or brown hair, slightly shaggy or in a faux-hawk (they can be so hot on the right guy), or bedhead works too!
3. very understanding of me and my love of dance and how it will always be an important thing in my life
4. taller than me
5. doesn't laugh at me when i tell him that i'm an irish step dancer
6. doesn't protest when I drag him to feisannas (irish step competitions)
7. treats me with love and respect
8. loves animals
9. will give me his sweatshirt to wear just in case, even if I tell him that I'm not too cold.
10. will talk to me at 3am about the silliest things
11. is WAY into music.
12. plays an instrument. i don't care what instrument - whether it be piano, guitar, drums, or even a kazoo. he's just got to be dedicated to playing SOMETHING.
13. will go to concerts with me and help me get to the front so i can see.
14. isn't very judgemental, but still knows the difference between right and wrong and stands by his beliefs.
15. always tells me the truth- no matter how harsh it may be
16. will do anything to make me laugh.
17. tells me to shut up when i start plotting things
18. won't ever break my heart.
19. will be able to sit with me in complete silence without the silence being awkward.
20. will help me follow my dreams and never give up on me.

i'm so optimistic.

no one cares to talk about it

another night of myspacing and browsing livejournal, oh yes, i'm so productive.

my itunes keeps on skipping, what the fuck????? ugh, this is so annoying.

dinner was ok, i'm gonna say i ate around 1000, give or take.

i think i'll go out tomorrow and just walk along the boardwalk, i need to get out of this house. if its raining/snowing, then that will be even better because the water looks so beautiful during a storm.

i hope that we all chill at e's tomorrow night, and that v2 comes over, so we can set things on fire and get drunk. watch him be all like omg when he sees me drinking my vodka and diet peach snapple, lol.

i got a myspace message from a 17-year-old saying "has't any body told u look like a angle from heaven", i'm tempted to send one back saying "has anyone told you that you're fucking retarded", or something witty, because seriously, angle????? wow, its amazing that some kids are passing their classes.

the new brand new cd is amazing. i've been listening to them for 4 years (before "sic transit" came out), and they get better with each cd.

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

i fucking hate this holiday. it no longer really means anything, it has just become an excuse for people to eat until they fall into a turkey-induced coma.

fasting till dinner, just 3 more hours. i can do this.

there are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses

yes, winter is almost here. i was waiting for the bus today (the fucking s61 that never comes on time), and the sky looked like it was about to snow, it was different shades of grey and white, it was gorgeous. and then it began raining, and the rain was ice cold, and feeling that rain hit my face just kept me grounded.

i think that i just wrote the most kickass paper ever.

no webster hall tonight due to e being sick. again.

i just realized that its 2:18am. i really need to fix my sleeping pattern.

considering going to the mall on black friday for some reason. i know mk is working, so i'll visit him, and i'll probably go and see if v1 is working, maybe i'll ask him about his classes for next semester.

be thankful for what you have, and remember, no matter how much your life may suck, there will always be someone whose life is worse than yours.

and i can see right down, to the bone

sin city is an amazing movie. its beautiful in its own way. i love the dialogue and of course, the violence.

i just realized that many of cute is what we aim for's lyrics have to deal with bones, the body, calories, ect. just a late-night observation.

a week ago tonight my world changed forever. when ryan ross made eye contact with me it was like wow, his gorgeous brown eyes seemed to look into my soul and see everything that i try to hide.

restitch my ripped jeans

i love the cold, it makes me feel so real, so alive.

i say shotgun, you say wedding

i really should do this spanish work. i'm so fucking behind, i've barely handed in any work all semester.

my father was threatening to beat my brother before. god, i just fucking love my family.

sometimes i want to recover, sometimes i binge, and sometimes i fast. i can't make up my mind anymore.

a guy i used to have a major crush on back in the day is on myspace now, talking to e. its funny that i used to like stalk him, we were actually pretty good friends until i wrote him this letter about how i wanted him to go to the 8th grade prom with me, its one of the biggest mistakes that i've ever made. i want to send him a friend request, just to be nice, but i don't know if that would be weird or not. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.

city on wednesday night, i'm excited. i'll probably fast tomorrow and wednesday just so i feel good about myself.

i submitted this to a music secret community on livejournal:
every word of it is true. his genius is partly what inspired me to start writing more eloquently, to write that poem (i haven't written poetry in years), to create dances with tricks and turns that need me to push myself to be able to do them. he just inspires me. and those eyes. it looks like there is something hidden behind them, and i want to know what that is.

i'm ready so don't stop me now

i guess you could consider this to be a poem.

"ready?" by s
backstage with you, watching the current act
my nerves are building, hands are shaking.
you smile at me and tell me it will be fine,
then their music stops and the curtain drops. you push me onstage, i shoot you a glance, and you know all.
know that i'm not ready for this, that i'm fucking terrified.
the curtain begins to go up, and my music starts, and you look and me and smile.
that smile gives me confidence.
its time to do this.
jump kick. chassé batu turn. turn turn turn. tendu prepare turn one, fouetté two, three four, land that fucking double. finish it off. chassé grand jeté. tour jeté. eyes up, knees straight, legs high, land it. chassé stag leap split, roll through. hit out roll through center split. fuck that hurts, just smile, its almost over. kick balchange step ponché get on the floor. push legs out, in. slide, get up, step développé, hold it there.
music stops.
i see you at the side of the stage, with those brown eyes and that smile, and i know that in your eyes, i succeeded. and that's all i need.

&now i'm of consenting age, to be forgetting you in a cabaret

can't wait until my birthday, its going to be a weekend of non-stop partying because its on a friday, and then new year's eve is 2 days after so that weekend is going be fucking insane.

ever since i decided my new goal in life; to be a dancer for panic! at the disco, i've been pushing myself even more. like in hip-hop i was being maaaaaaaad gangsta, i was actually into it, rather than kind of doing it half-assed. same thing with everything else, i know that i need to get my ass on pointe in ballet soon before its too late, so i'm pushing myself even more (my side developpe is now past my shoulder, which is a vast improvement from last year where it was only hip high), i'm concentrating so much on my balance its getting better, i now know that if i want to dance on their next tour, i need to improve now.

and my dad said that he'll pay for acting lessons and get me an agent (he knows someone that knows one) so i can get somewhere, so yes, things are looking up.

no road trip tomorrow, r and i have too much crap to do for school. oh well, at least i have my friend's pictures and videos from the show, and my videos, pictures, and recordings of the show so i can watch those. omg, i didn't even know that i recorded my absolute favorite p!atd song "build god, then we'll talk", it came out so well, i can hear brendon perfectly, i'm so happy that i have that!!!!

i hate my job, but tonights show was fucking hysterical.

tell me that you're alright

i've been up all fucking night. my mind just can't settle, first i'm re-living the parts of the concert that i saw, then i start thinking about this weekend, and then next wednesday, because i have so much stuff coming up, the work i have to do for spanish (i'm so behind, its not even funny), i just can't seem to close my eyes and fall asleep.

i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

possible road trip to philly on sunday with r to see panic! at the disco again, i'm excited. i wish there was a way to meet them, not to go all fangirl on them, but to tell them that they're amazing and that ryan is a wonderful writer (i used to write a lot when i was in high school, so i know what i'm talking about) , and that they inspire me to come up with cool dances (like mine to "i write sins, not tragedies" is ballet, and if i was on pointe, the whole thing would be on pointe, it would look so cool!). i wish one of the guys read my blog, then they'd know that not all of their fans are crazy, i respect them and admire them as artists and performers.

my parents said that they'd pay for acting classes and an agent, i'm so close to broadway. i just need to lose more weight. even if i dance for panic! (which as of last night, is my new goal in life), i would be so happy, but i'd still have to lose weight because their dancers were in bras and stuff.

its official, i'm broke. but it was all worth it to see panic! and i bought my box set today, i'm listening to "intermission" right now, re-living last night, when brendon played this there was a guy on stilts dancing onstage, it was really cool. i want to do a ballet dance to this song.

they should come to my job, then i know i'd be begging them to dance when they play "build god, then we'll talk", and i'd so rock that stage. of course the dance is comprised of my own stuff, a mix of everything- tap, jazz, ballet, and trademark dances from my school, maybe even part of the "sexyback" dance (we dance on chairs, its quite fosse), and i'll be running back and forth changing shoes (character to jazz), but it would be so worth it if i'm sharing the stage with p!atd.

oh man, our car song just came on!!!! i lost my voice last night when i screamed whore at the beginning. oh, and brendon is so cute, during "there's a good reason these tables are numbered honey, you just haven't thought of it yet", when he goes "and to them you look like shhh" we all screamed "SHIT!" and he had the cutest look of shock upon his face.

sleep sounds good right now.

and keep telling yourself that "i'm a diva!"

i had an amazing night. i somehow got a ticket online today, i checked ticketmaster after i got home, and they had ga tickets on sale again, so i got it!!!!! the show was simply amazing. plain white t's opened, i want to have tim's babies, lol. they were so good!!! tim sang "hey there delilah", i was one of the few people that knew all of the words, and i almost started crying during it. then jack's mannequin came on. i've waited so long to see them, and they put on such a good show, andrew is like a 5 year old hopped up on sugar. like at the end (last song was "mfeo") he stood up on his piano and was stepping on the keys, lol. and they played "bruised", i started to lose my voice during it, but i danced and sang every single word, i knew every word to every song. and then panic! at the disco came on, and that's a whole other story that's being typed up in a bit.

so panic was amazing. they had such a great set, i was impressed by the dancers, especially the ballerina en pointe, she was wonderful. the guys sounded great, brendon is so theatrical, its so cute!!! they sang all of their songs and covered "lonely people" by the beatles and "killer queen" by queen!!!!!!!!!!!!! and their drumline was fucking amazing, they're so talented!!! Especially Brendon with his little dance, I was laughing so much, but he's actually a good dancer (although I did yell out "Shake it Brendon, lol). the intermission was so cool, it was just bden sitting at the piano playing "intermission" while a guy danced on stilts, and during "killer queen" bden and ryan began to play each other's guitars, and bden got on his kness in front of ryan twice during "i write sins, not tragedies"!!!! and i have it on video :D. and bden lifted up his shirt a bit during "lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off", and the way he introduced that song was so hot. bden started it off with "this is a song about a dream, a romantic one with a perfect, passionate kiss, no its not, its about good hard fucking!" (may not be the exact quote), and while he was saying the part about a kiss, he walked over to ryan and stroked his face and they went to kiss, but they didn't and ryan just grinned at him and flipped his hair (I wish I had a picture). bden was so cute during "lonely people", he just sat on the stage and sang, i wanted to give him a hug. i loved their makeup, ryan is quite skilled at it, and their costumes were so cool, they fit well with the set. and i like that they changed costumes, because then they looked even better. they played all of my favorite songs, and i was just in heaven. i sang as loud as i could during "i write sins, not tragedies" because that is mine, e's, and m's car song because its always on when we're on an adventure, and i made sure to scream out whore. i also sang loud during "time to dance" (favorite p!atd song) and "build god, then we'll talk" (2nd favorite), but i couldn't do my dance to it, i had no room. and i love how bden hits that high note when he sings "just stay where i can see you douse the liiiiiiiiiiiights", it sounds perfect and it fits so well with the song which was "i constantly thank god for esteban". i danced as much as i could, i was surrounded by 15-year-olds that were taller than me. i also couldn't see much for part of the show, which sucked because i was stuck behind tall people. but i got some great pictures and video, and ryan ross made eye contact with me, i can die a happy girl.

darling dear, get a grip

i'm a mess of jumbled thoughts and dreams.

saw v1 today on campus, he has the most beautiful smile. every time i see him i want to start doing grand jetes and leaps, he just makes me so happy.

procrastinating again. i have a shitload of overdue spanish work (i may just do the workbook and tell her i can't get the lab to work), 3 chapters and a project outline, and i have to read stuff for theatre. and i have to do a review sheet for my spanish class and come up with a good essay (its about going to manhattan, yay!!). you think that i would learn by now, but noooooooo, i haven't.

no show tomorrow, the only seats left are the ones up in guam, like row y on the left and right sides of the stage, and since i work at a fucking theatre, i know i won't be able to see from there. oh well. they seriously need to come to the theatre that i work at, that would be awesome.

i've got the gift of one liners

i found this while browsing random blogs on here, it seems interesting.
use only ONE word to describe yourself:
1. Yourself: sad
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend: nonexistent
3. Your hair?: messy
4. Your mother?: rocks
5. Your Father?: asshole
6. Your Favorite Item: ipod
7. Your dream last night: weird
8. Your Favorite drink: mocha
9. Your Dream Car: bug
10. The Room You Are In: living
12. Your fear: myself
13. What do you want to be in 10 years: happy
14. Who hung out with you last night?: chihuahuas
15. What You're Not?: complete
16. Muffins: blueberry
17: One of Your Wish List Items: speedy30
18: Time: 11:12pm
19. The Last Thing You Did: typed
20. What You Are Wearing: pajamas
21. Your Favorite Weather: gloomy
22. Your Favorite Book: hp
23. The Last Thing You Ate: mcdonald's
24. Your Life: disaster
25. Your Mood: emo
26. Your body: drained
27. Who are you thinking about right now? v1

come down, and waste away with me

my day was going so well, until i found out that i'm $10 short of buying a ticket to see panic! at the disco tomorrow night, and i can't even use my mom's credit card because for will call the cardholder has to come to the box office, and i don't wanna do that to her. well now the general admission tickets sold out, now all i can hope is that the other tickets don't sell out, i really want to go!!! my mom is going to give me money to put in my bank account so i can buy my ticket. i'm going to call msg in the morning to see if any ga tickets magically appeared, and if not, then i'll buy what's availible. i'm so pissed, i love p!atd, they appeal to the performer in me, they're absolutely amazing, and now i can't be against the barricade with my friends that have ga tickets, having an amazing time.

edit (10:47pm): i really don't care, things just don't want to go my way, ever. all day long i've had the urge to cut for the first time in months, and i binged on the randomest things. what a fucking day.

i wrote a long entry during my history of india class today, maybe i'll type it up later.

just close your eyes, everything will be okay

i feel like an old rag doll. floppy. all over the place. held together at the seams by just a few threads that seem like they will snap at any second.

what i want in a boy
sense of humor
love of the macabre
understanding
fashion sense
much taller than me
skinny
love of good music
one with a cute ghetto booty
eyes that i can get lost in
and most importantly- one that has a way with words
i'm sure there is more, i'm just too dead to think of the rest.

i want to go for a walk outside in the rain. just around my block, maybe the neighborhood. maybe i'll dance in the middle of one of the busiest streets on si because its dead this time of night. however, i can't because my dogs would bark when i leave and come back and i can't risk my father knowing that i snuck out.

admist all of the gloomy weather, there is still a perfect pink rose on one of my grandmother's rosebushes. it seemed to be like a fighter, blooming now when the rest of them are dying. it looked so perfect, with raindrops perfectly placed on its petals, against the grey backdrop that is the sky. its like no matter how dark and gloomy everything may seem, there will always be something beautiful and perfect waiting.

so paint it black and take it back, let's shout it loud and clear

i can't believe i'm going to be 19 in a little over a month. december 29th. another year closer to my death. i'm going to be a 19-year-old virgin with no experience with guys, isn't that wonderful? god, i sound so fucking bitter. its so scary to get old, i still wish i could be 5 years old again, when my biggest worry was "do barbie's shoes match?" not "how can i pass this class with a decent grade?". how did we let ourselves get like this? obsessing over things like grades, designer clothes, boys, cars, silly drama. i love those nights where we just hang out and talk, play cards, set things on fire, and ocassionally drink (although i don't think that me+fire+alcohol would be a very good combination), its like we're without a care in the world. then someone gets sick and almost sets themselves on fire, or drama occurs and then everything goes back to "normal".

dance with me through this rain

stayed up for most of the night, passed out for like 20 minutes because my mom was up and i didn't want her to be like "why are you up?". watched the rest of the sunrise after my mom went to work. it was different this morning, the world looked dead. the light blue sky looked like a bruise, the trees with almost no leaves on them were losing the rest of their leaves and they were rustling about. the world was covered in a fog, a blanket covering up all of the secrets. the world looked empty, dead, and cold, like me. and yet it was still beautiful.

i say i want a boy who understands me, and yet i can't let anyone in.

she keeps on asking "do you think it hurts much to die?"

can't sleep. been up all fucking night reading band slash like a fucking desparate 15-year-old and listening to my ipod, crying when "chloroform perfume" by from autumn to ashes came on.

i need to find the boy that knows how i feel, that knows what it feels like to be so hopeless, lost, and broken. where the hell is he?

i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

oh dear lord i'm in so much pain. fucking ovarian cyst.

i almost spilled water on my laptop. i'm a dick.

i wish i was just happy. happy with my body, with people, with school, with life. i wish i was just at a healthy weight and had even boobs. i wish i had friends that i could tell everything to without them running to my parents. i wish i had a boy that understood me. a tall, skinny, tan, bony, gorgeous boy that knows how i feel.

without you is how i disappear

that asshole doesn't know my name, lol. and i love l- "i'm going to kick you!", lol, i always miss the fun.

i want to go to the mall tomorrow, but i have no cash, i have like $40 (not even) to my name.

i'm going back into my shell, i was doing so well, but now i'm shyer than i've ever been.

she won't give warning, she knew that her life had passed her by

all i do is procrastinate. i'm going to have a shitty average because i'm so fucking lazy. i have to do an outline for my spanish project and instead of doing it, i'm watching incubus videos and blogging. but its okay because brandon boyd is fucking gorgeous. you know, v1 actually got me into them, he used to wear an incubus shirt and since i wanted him to like me i started getting into rock, so he's partly responsible for who i am today.

168.8- still high, but much better than last week. the 24-hour fasts seem to be working well, i eat dinner around the same time every day so that helps me keep on a schedule.

i'm officially an education major and a dance minor. but my schedule for next year sucks because there is only one section of each dance class so i need to make that one class fit into my schedule, and now i go in every day, i can't go to ballet because i have choreography during it, and i have a 2 hour break on mondays. oh well.

sometimes i wish he would stumble upon this.

its just a lyrical lie, made up in my mind

fast. eat dinner. fast. eat dinner. repeat until the gala.

it better fucking work, i'm going to bash my skull into a wall if it doesn't.

my bones are finally starting to come back. and i wore my hollister khakis today, they make me feel confident for some reason.

81 on the theatre history midterm. kickass.

"the imagery doesn't fit."

and this is how i disappear

"my neat little world of lies is crumbling all around me, and i can't tell a soul."- dexter (i fixed the quote)
its my new favorite show, when he said that my jaw just dropped because its so true for me. happened to me once, worst week of my fucking life. and just watching him try to fix everything, cover his tracks, i could relate.

weight is better, fucking period made me balloon, now i'm 166ish, which is better, but i'd like to get to my lw of 157 for the gala.

i hate school, i want this semester to be over already! my favorite class is actually math, which is a shock!

listless, that's how i feel. inhuman. detatched. fucked up.

"Sometimes the days spent all by myself in my head are the scariest."- Pete Wentz
so true.

lost and broken, hopeless and lonely

i don't want to do my work at all. i'm so fucking lazy, its like i expect to get an a without doing any work, and i have to do a bunch of shit for theatre class.

173.8, once again, i'm a fat fuck, i gained 9.2 lbs in just a month. and i have a month to lose it all for the gala so i look decent in my dress, i have to because v2 will be there again. (last year his brother kept on looking down my dress, little perv)

i just feel so lost, so sick of it all, i want to just.... i dunno.

when i was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band. he said, "son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?" he said, "will you defeat them, your deamons, and all the non-believers, and the plans that they have made? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom to lead you in the summer to join the BLACK PARADE."

i'll carry on. i hope.

i don't love you like i did yesterday

i <3 halloween, i get to do what i do everyday- pretend to be something i'm not, but since it was halloween, it made that extra special (i don't think that sentence made sense).

saw 3 is a bad movie for a "recovered" cutter to see. very very bad. very triggering.

i'm so lost.

gained like crazy, shoot me.

why is v1 always on my mind? he doesn't like me, no one does. i have no real friendships, everyone hates me, i don't know how to socialize and talk to people, its so hard for me, so what makes me think that he will like me??