i'm sorry for... blaming you

well we wound up not going to the bar to see the show 'cause they were like "you have to be 21 to get in", and r got in, so she was trying to get us in, and it was a whole big mess. but i'm fucking pissed because there were sooooo many people there from my graduating class (saw the quaterback, mad girls i used to chill with), and yet they wouldn't let us in!!! so we went and played pool, r was making one of the guys who i swears has a crush on me teach me how to play, the kid is a sweetie, but i like him as a friend and that's it. and then we went to e's boyfriend's friends house, it was interesting. her bf and his pals drank and we played cards, it was alright. all in all, i'm happy with my 19th, even though everything got fucked up i still had an amazing time due to my lovely friends.

i'm just annoyed because i straightened my hair and did my makeup beautifully, gold eyeshadow to complement my teal sweater and bring out my eyes, carefully applied and smudged liquid eyeline, i looked damn good, all because i thought we were going to get into the bar and i would see v1 there 'cause one of his really good friends is in a band that played there tonight, and i wanted to look good for him. i straightened my fucking hair for nothing!!

what a wonderful caritcature of intimacy

worst birthday ever. no one can come out to applebees tonight, e is in the fucking city (i am so pissed at her), r has to work, and everyone else is busy. they better come to the bar, someone needs to keep me from drinking all night (because that sounds mighty applealing right now). i'm so mad, i wish they had let me know before tonight that no one could make it.

she was fixing her face in a compact

um, kay, so i just got the best phonecall ever. it was from e, and she was out with m1, m2, and v2 (i wonder why she didn't call me...), and v2 wished me a happy birthday, and the whole time i was talking to him i had the biggest smile upon my face, that was the greatest thing to ever happen to me on my birthday.

this is the price that you pay for the loss of control

time is running out s, are you ready? are you ready to become "responsible"? thin? feel good about yourself? stop hurting yourself? this is the year that you will change, and it will be for the better. and you won't fuck up this time, now will you?

[why yes, i do like to talk about myself in the third person, and its not meant to be motivational, more like degrading because i always fuck this up.]

weighed in tonight as 170.2, so maybe i'll be under 170 in the morning.

pain... without love

well here it is, my last day of being 18. 19, it seems like such a weird age to be, i dunno. i feel like i'm finally growing up, and i'm scared to grow up, i wanna be that carefree 14-year-old again that didn't restrict and purge, or cut. that didn't have to do 6 page papers and bullshit her way through her classes. but i've realized so much this year- that i do have a problem, that i don't need certain people to be happy, that i want to become a performer, that i like singing, and that i'm closer to being happy than i've been in years. but being older brings more responsibilites, that i don't want. i don't want a real job, i really don't want to go to school, i just want to dance, write, and try to make it.

i think i'm becoming nocturnal. second night in a row that i've stayed up, and then i sleep all day. like yesterday i woke up at 5pm, what the fuck?!

i will be 168 today at weigh in. i WILL be. i want to wake up tomorrow weighing less than i did on my 18th (i was 170).

every single year i make these promises that i will somehow be 120 by the recital or my birthday. i can't make these anymore because i keep on breaking them. i just want to lose.

mmmm, old-skool fall out boy, brings back memories of junior year, they were the best thing to happen to me that year. pete's hardcore screaming/growling makes me laugh.

my camera broke, i'm so pissed.

santa baby, i've been an awful good girl

merry christmas everyone. i hope that you spend it with the ones that you love (or whomever you want) and that its wonderful. and i hope that everyone gets what and/or who they want.

baby, all i want for christmas is you.

on his face is a map of the world

from last night. i ♥ shatter me silent. it was such an amazing show, i was so excited to see them, as much as i was to see panic! over a month ago. i just sang/screamed my heart out and danced, and it was just amazing.

holy shit its christmas eve, i can't fucking believe it. it doesn't seem like it at all, maybe its because of the weather, i dunno. like i was walking around wearing my si feis hoodie (omg, its coming up in april!!) and i was so comfortable, and i'm so used to freezing my ass off this time of year.

mk meet jesse lacey last night and jesse told him that brand new will be playing more new york shows, so hopefully they'll come to my job (that would just make my life, even though i would cry during the "no-seatbelt song") soon.

most of my "friends" can't make my birthday, and yet i'm not saddened by it at all. these kids haven't spoken to me since they went away to school, except for t because she went to the show with me last night. but one of them is going to pa to become "un-gay" (lets blame his parents for that one), and another is going to fuck some random guy that she met online. t isn't sure, and y probably won't go because she's ditched us for her russian friends (they're very cliquey, i'm not being mean, but i don't like how she only speaks russian when she's with them and me, and how she drinks so fucking much when they're partying, i miss my old y). i'm kind of surprised that i'm not upset by this, i used to get so upset when they would make plans without me because i spent 3 years of high school and a year of college hanging out with them every single fucking day. i guess i finally got tired of their shit and grew up. so it'll just be me, r, e, m1 and m2, which is fine with me. i have more fun with them than with anyone else, i love those girls.

my chihuahuas are howling for no reason.

oh so, oh so tragical

tonight was the most fun that i've had in a long time. i went with a friend of mine to see some local bands perform, including a reunion of one of my favorites, and it was a night filled with craziness, turtles, obnoxious children, hot boys and singing/screaming along until i had no voice. although i do wish that i had went to a different venue instead because apparently jesse lacey of brand new was at that other venue!!!!!!! (i've been a fan of them for like 4 years) but oh well, i did have a great time, i fucking love the band that reunited, i hope that they play more shows throughout the year.

my birthday is on friday, it seems so close yet so far away. i don't want to grow up.

scatter my ashes

so the shows are over. thank god, if i had to watch that fucking candycane dance one more time i was gonna shoot someone.

cast party was fun, chilled with my lovely coworkers- perv!mind, is he jewish?, i'll sit on yoooooooooour lap- we're so weird, lol.

finishing off the christmas shopping tomorrow. yay.

you check labels more than the fcc

didn't fill in for l. she's quitting dance, i'm so upset, she is the only person that will actually have a full, fun conversation with me. i think that she got into a fight with the sluts and shit just happened.

so much drama is going on at work, someone is telling people things that they shouldn't, rumors are being spread, people are talking shit about each other, and myself and the "kids" are being blamed for mis-seatings, meanwhile we're the best, its someone else thats fucking up and we're being blamed for it. ugh, well at least there is one more show tomorrow and then we don't have a show until jan 12th.

my knee is fucked up, more than i thought it was. i need to take a 6 month break so it can heal and strengthen, but i really don't want to.

i really wanna get my snakebites done. maybe i'll do it while i'm on my 6 month break so they can heal and i can wear retainers to dance class so i don't get into trouble.

hold your breath 'cause its all you get

"i really dont like her anymore"
"does it start with a ....."
"OMGGG i know who your talking about.." (comment left on one of their profiles)
i wish i know (knew? oh fuck it) what i did to cause them to feel this way. i don't talk to anyone in class, i just sit by myself and dance when i'm supposed to. maybe that isn't about me, maybe its about someone else (yeahfuckingright)

may be filling in for l during the show, and i kind of don't want to because of these whores, but i really want to dance in it, more than anything.

pulled an all-nighter last night, for no reason at all.

we lie awake and cry

its 4:45am, i'm wide awake, listening to jamisonparker and feeling like shit. another typical night.

listening to from first to last made me feel a hell of a lot better.

i think i'll walk down to the beach tomorrow and sit there and read for an hour or so. i love being there, its so calming and peaceful, and right now i could really use some peace and calm.

i still can't fucking believe that i cut last night. haven't done it for months, and i just cracked like that.

bet you just can't keep up with fashionistas

they went to applebees last night, one of them was dumb enough to post the group pic on myspace. fucking little bitches. i hate them all. what did i do to deserve this? a group of little children hate me, and i have no idea why. what the fuck did i do??????

you slut, just fucking make out with him already, they were talking about you when you were in the dressing rooms with him.

they are a horrible group of girls, all they do is talk about each other behind each other's backs, usually i'm the one that they tell because i'm not close with anyone. but what kind of friends are they if they're always talking about each other? and why do i want to be accepted by them so badly?

you made my day today just by smiling at me and talking to me when none of those little brats would. we have to chill during the break, maybe me, you, and our friends will finish the alcohol in e's house.

the bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake

i cut myself a few hours ago for the first time in months...

i think i'm paranoid.

can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid (sit back relax, sit back relapse again)

"we'll finish this conversation at the 'bees"- a to another girl, "oh, we're going to applebees tonight?"- me, "i'm not sure"- a. if you guys are going to fucking lie to me, at least do it right, don't say shit like that and then lie straight to my face. and here is a tip- don't post a group pic from tonight on myspace, or write about it in bulletins and shit like that, that's just fucking stupid.

why the fuck do i want to be accepted by these girls so badly? they hate me, i know this, and yet i'm sitting here wanting to cry because they lied to me about tonight.

i have a myspace message written to l, ready to send about all of this shit, but i don't know if i want to send it to her or not. i'm not ready to accept the truth about this.

why the hell do i keep on getting fucked over by people that i think are my "friends"? why don't they like me, i never did anything to them. stupid little cunts.

you're gorgeous, but sweetie, smile when you dance, you look so good when you smile.

i'm not going to send that message, i don't need more emotional wounds than i have right now.

keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you

i'm going to fail my history class if i don't do this paper like tomorrow. i feel bad about lying to this professor, he's really nice and i'm just taking advantage of him. doing it tomorrow the second i get home from my spanish final.

still have to do the workbook for spanish, that's getting done on saturday before work.

i was asked why i wasn't going to the practice for the show tonight. i just lied and said i didn't know when i was supposed to be there and i had a ton of work to do so i couldn't go anyway. what i really wanted to say was "why, so i could sit there and watch my friends dance and then i have to walk around looking like a fool in that shepard costume?", they made me a shepard out of pity so i could be in the show with my friends, which is nice, but my inner child is going to come out and say this- if i can't dance, then i'm not in it. god i'm such a little bitch.

165 on the birthday. 160 would be even better, but i'll do what i can, huge goals make me crazy and i fuck up.

sleep? i have to, i'm so tired.

i know he said i'm crazy

i really need to start this paper on gandhi, i have to have it done by the time i leave for class tomorrow morning. i can't believe that this fucking this is worth 50% of the grade for that class, that's total bullshit.

got my fucking period today, while i was in spanish!! but i'm glad i got it, that explains yesterdays bizarre purge and binge, and today at work i kept on eating chips and chocolate cookies. well at least i won't have it for my birthday.

theatre final was ok, i'm pretty sure that i passed it. it was a lot easier than i thought it would be

i fucking love this video, its hysterical. my dance class got rescheduled to tonight and a bunch of us started quoting it, we were screaming "shun the non-believer. shun, SHUUUUUUUUUUN!!!", lol, it was great.


i can't wait for this semester to be over.

i need to be at a lw on costume measurement day. i need to be.

your name is cheap

life is so short. mk's dad died, e and i went to the wake. i almost cried, mk looked so sad, all we could do was hug him, there wasn't a thing that we could say to make him feel better. it made me think of how short life is, his dad was only 54, you really have to live each day to the fullest.

on that note, i purged for the first time in months. and then i ate ice cream and a 100 calorie pack, god, i'm so fucked up. and i just ate a roll with light mayo on it, what the fuck is going on?? and i actually like the "high" i get from purging, its not as hard to do as it used to be, this is baaaaaaad.

i feel like a fucking spoiled brat. my parents give me everything that i ask for, i'm going to be 19 and they still support me, meanwhile e now has to pay her parents rent, and her and r pay for everything themselves- cell phone, rent, insurance, ect while i pay for shit. and e is giving me a fucking coach bag for christmas... i feel like a horrible person. i can drop $200 on a bag without blinking an eye meanwhile this bag is like a whole paycheck.

its like sometimes all i want for christmas is to be happy. and happy, to me is to be 159 and have a boy. like that'll ever happen. i'm happy, but 80% of the time i'm just so depressed, and i think that maybe, just maybe if i'm at a healthy weight and have a boy that loves and respects me and that i can talk to about everything and not have any repercussions.

tonight is the night that i stay up late and do all of my spanish work that's been piling up all semester, study for my 2 finals and do a paper. can i do this? will i actually accomplish this? we'll see.

you can cry all you want to, i don't care how much

not in the show. v2 and i were talking and i suggested that i replaced this girl that got kicked out of the show because she didn't know the dance. so he gave me a spot in the new part and all we had to do was tell the owner of the school about this change. we're practicing and the owner of our school (no name because, um yeah, don't wanna get in trouble) watched us and she was yelling at us about things like timing (mine) and we're doing the dance for the like 8th time and she looks at me and goes "oh why am i getting so worked up? you're not in the show!" and i just... i dunno. i wanted to cry, i was full of jealousy and rage. i wanted to slit my wrists and cry. but at the same time, i was also relieved that i won't have to go through the stress of a show and practices during finals. but i really want to do the show, i want people to be like "omg, you're amazing". being told that i'm not in it just makes me feel like shit, like i'm the worst dancer ever. dancing is the only thing that i love, and being told that my timing is awful, i'm too stiff, it kills me. i almost started crying and i really wanted to find a pair of scissors and cut. old habits die hard.

oh here it goes again

fuck. its junior year all over again. when r and i were juniors, she tried committing suicide for the 4th time and she was sent to the psych ward for a few days, this happened two different times in less than a month. the first time was on october 17th, it was the day before the psat and we were at sing practice and she was pressing a knife into her arm. no cuts, just indentations and it scared the shit out of me. she was going to kill herself that night, and that night i called her and just cried into her voicemail and i told her that if she did it, then so would i because i can't live without her. this was one of the causes of my cutting. her mom took her to the hospital, she was put on anti-depressants, taken off of them that may, and she's been fine until a few months ago. i went onto her myspace before and she posted a blog, and it was written i guess as a battle of her subconscious and how she wants to kill herself and how her ex, her boy, her fucked up family, and her little stepbrother affect her. and at the end of the blog, she decides to shoot herself. i read this and i got so fucking scared. the memories of that horrible day and night of junior year came flooding back. i can't go through this again, i'm not strong enough to. i don't think i can save her this time, i don't think i can even save myself if she actually goes through with it. i can't go through this again, it broke me so much last time, it was a fucking nightmare full of blood and hopelessness. i'm just so scared of what's going to happen, i love her more than anything, she's one of the few people that i can be myself around, that i can feel sane around, and i can't lose her, i just can't.

fuck, i'm crying. i can't do this again, i'll be the one in the fucking psych ward if i have to go through this again.

whispers "hello, i missed you quite terribly"

i really should be asleep right now.

working tomorrow night, yes, i need money.

finally finished that goddamned spanish project. i rock. it has some amazing background music from the nutcracker.

christmas lessons start tomorrow, and then no dance for awhile, which sucks.

i need to go to sleep.

and when your heart stops beating, i'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserved?

i want to post a picture of myself really badly, give you the face behind these senseless ramblings, but i can't, then my secrets will be exposed and i will be royally fucked. so this is all that you get for now- an eye.

i want a coin operated boy

'sup boredom. i bought some more chuck palahniuk books today, can't wait to start reading them.

was that you sleeping on the couch in the library? i wanted to see if it was you, but i was afraid to. you're the reason why i sit in the library reading my chuck palahniuk books, i watch you out of the corner of my eye. oh god i'm a fucking stalker.

j is now being stalked by one of the republican boys from the other night, i feel bad for her.

i feel like i'll never go anywhere in life, i feel so hopeless. i've gotten so fucking lazy, i have all these papers to write and that fucking spanish project to do, and i just don't do them.

my ovary huuuuuuuuuuuurts. goddamn pcos.

i never thought that i'd live to see my 19th birthday. i doubted that i would see 17, and 2 years later i'm still afraid to keep on living. i almost cut myself today, but i stopped myself.

i may be dancing in the christmas show, a girl in the show doesn't know the store-clerk dance and if she gets kicked out of the show by v2, then it messes up the groups that he made, so i'll probably replace her. i'm happy, i hate watching the show every year and not be in it because of stupid shit (last 2 years- school, this year- my timing).

Finish the sentences:
1. I've come to realize that... i've lost all hope
2. I am listening to... "backstabber"- dresden dolls
3. I talk to... my bests.
4. I love... him.
5. My best friend(s)... are the only people that understand me.
7. I lost... my happiness
8. I hate it when people... are assholes.
9. Love is... something that i will never experience because no guy will ever love me.
10. Marriage is... a fraud.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about purging their food (i actually want to right now).
12. I'll always be... a fat loser.
13. I have a crush on... him.
14. The last time I cried was because... i was listening to sad songs and being overwhelmed by emotion.
15. My cell phone... is a cameraphone.
16. When I wake up in the morning... i wish that i didn't wake up.
17. Before I go to sleep at night... i think about him.
18. Right now I am thinking about... the pain in my ovary.
19. Babies are... adorable, and i hope to teach them someday.
20. I get on myspace... every single fucking day.
21. Today I... went to class.
22. Tonight I will... do some work.
23. Tomorrow I will... go to ballet.
24. I really want... someone to love who loves me in return
25. The person who's most likely to repost this is... someone that i don't know.

tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campagin

I really like this (I didn't write it):
"Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of whiskey & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here's to the kids who care more about the music then the haircuts. Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush. Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart.. from someone who didn't even know they existed. Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being A Wall Flower & didn't feel so alone after doing so. Here's to the kids who spend their days in photo booths with their best friend(s). Here's to the kids who are straight up smart asses & just don't care. Here's to the kids who speak their mind. Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here's to the kids who second-guess themselves on everything they do. Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids."

gala was ok, we were very disorganized, no one knew where to go, someone had counterfeit tickets, and i got yelled at for chatting. we had our own party, and then i went out with my friend and some of the volunteers, and the volunteers are all members of the young republicans. its fucking scary being the only democrat at a table full of republicans, but i didn't tell them that i was one because i know shit about politics. and one of the guys was really cute, he drove a few of us home, i'm trying to find him on myspace or facebook now. liberal and a conservative, that would be an interesting relationship.

i left my fucking paycheck in a program that i gave to my manager, i'm an ass.

(right arm- written with my left hand, I'm cool)


















(left arm)

i am not afraid to walk this world alone

it was 70 degrees today, what the fuck??

according to the fdny, i can now escort people out of a building if it catches fire and i can put fires out (with an extinguisher), whoo.

so behind in spanish, its not even funny. i need to do this draft in spanish like now. i feel bad lying to this professor, but i have to so i don't fail.

i need more chuck palahniuk books. now.

gala tomorrow night. shoot me.