i put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away

i love finding parallels in our writings, it shows that (in)sane minds think alike.

the show is tomorrow, 8 months of hard work for 2 minutes on a stage in a venue filled with one of my best friends and a lot of people that i don't know. my favorite girls are coming to the night show, they're going to yell things and embarrass me, and that's why i love them. i live to please the crowd, make everyone happy, that's my role. i may not be the best, but i'm certainly the most charismatic (but where is my broadway role for the biggest fraud?). live to dance, dance to live, its not a fashionstatement, its a lifestyle. and save your compliments- "you were wonderful" no i'm not, "you're such a great dancer" no i'm not, there are girls that are younger, prettier, skinnier, and far more talented than me. i want to make it big, but i have no faith in myself to do so.

fuck, i just realized that i need to finish that solo to "golden" by next week.

its a love-hate relationship. sometimes i can hang out with you for a week in a row, and other times i want to strangle you. its a onetwoknockout relationship, when is it going to end?

i am so ashamed to live here after going to work tonight.

she's a killer queen

i'm as fake as every girl here. i lie, i talk behind your back, i exaggerate, but for what? more attention? more friends? i don't know...

sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you.

you're nothing but a drama queen. all eyes are on you honey, and most of them can't stand you. you try to make everything about you, whenever one person talks about something you always have to bring it back around to you. you're a slut whose legs never shut, if you fuck that guy in that band (a major band too, i've seen them play several times at big shows) i promise i won't speak to you ever again. you're a groupie, a slut, you hook up with so many guys its disgusting. i've heard the rumors, and i don't know if they're true or not, i don't believe the hype, but this time, i just might.

i had a breakdown today because my manager is a fucking cunt that doesn't listen to what our boss says, everything is fixed but i am very close to quitting my job.

sing like this is the last song you will ever sing

you're welcome. my smile was real, i haven't had that much fun in a long time, i hope to be in another one soon, especially if i can actually dance dance in it, not just party dance.

you kids are too young for all of this drama. who's kissing who, did they kiss? omg, we need to call her- you kids aren't even in high school, you shouldn't have to deal with that.

first night i've been home in a long time, its so strange. i've been traipsing about the island with my friends, coming home at 4am, and it doesn't bother me at all, i really have stopped sleeping.

sometimes, i think i need to be medicated.

i miss fob so much, i can't wait to see them again in july. but its like a depressing feeling, their music just means so much to me (i started crying during "golden" and "i'm like a lawyer" when i saw them), and i need to see them live again. and i do hope to meet them just so i can thank them for getting me through the year from hell.

angels and kings is my new favorite place to go in the city, i can't wait to go back in july!

i used to be so eloquent, what happened?

it was never my intention to brag

haha, ocks are pisssssssssssssed at us for crashing the shoot. honey, its not like we all rolled up and planned on being in the video, the casting director simply didn't do her job, she should've had a list of names, and those of us that weren't on it should've been kicked out, or, if friends were in the video, been able to sit there and watch. what happened to all fall out boy fans being friends? you guys are just mad because they opened up the shoot to all of the 18+ fans in nyc, so it wasn't an ock exclusive, we didn't "ruin something special" for you guys, it was a special day for all fall out boy fans, i had so much fun just hanging out and making new friends. OH, AND STOP SAYING THAT WE MOBBED PATRICK. I was one of the first girls to meet him, the teenies were after my group. oh, and we aren't "squealing, stalkerish, drumstick stealers", yes, i had a few fangirl moments, but they were over the puppies because they were adorable, and once i hit ta because patrick was singing "also into cats" and that made my life and i was excited to hear him sing it. okay, and i fangirled over wentz when i saw him in the dressing room when i walked past it, but fuck, its wentz and he's hot, okay?! and we didn't steal the drumsticks, we asked andy if we could have them because we're his girlz and he said yes. just drop it already, the shoot was on sunday and unfortunately, you can't change the past. i don't like you, you are an elitist asshole, we saw you and the rest of your ock friends making fun of us the entire evening.

this is turning more and more into a soapbox, hopefully i'll stop this ranting once they stop bitching.

don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

thank you so much for an amazing sunday, tuesday, and wednesday night, i can't wait to see you amazing boys again in july, and again in the fall.

sweetie, i meant every word of it, and guess what- the boys make fun of you, a so called "friend" of yours told me that today, he said he spoke to her at the club because she's the normal one i am sorry, but the truth hurts.

i don't like jersey kids. and what the fuck is the point of going to a concert if you're just going to stand there the whole time and watch? what happened to dancing and singing along- if you're just gonna stand there then sit the fuck down and let the people that really want to be there see better.

we DON'T fight fair

i'm probably going to get into a fight with a pissed off overcast kid tomorrow at the show because i'm friends with "psycho chick" and i wrote a lovely buzznet blog about the video shoot and one of them found it and got pissed because according to her i wasn't allowed to post that because she was told to put away her camera, but she's just jealous because i met andy and patrick (who is such a sweetheart), and she didn't.

OH, and we didn't mob Patrick, there was the 3 of us on the line to meet him, ta and sboy walked up to him and took their pictures, i walked up, introduced myself, we had a short little convo and took my picture, that was it. we didn't mob him, we're a bunch of (almost) 20-year-olds, we're more mature than that.

but yeeeeeeeeees, fob tonight and tomorrow night, its going to be amazing. and we may be crashing the ock meet and greet tomorrow night because we have skillz.

in other news, i met the click five tonight, lovely boys. and ta and i flirted with the drummer during the show, which earned us a pair of used drumsticks that he personally handed to us because we're hot bitches. and they put on a sick show, the lead singer is so cute with his little spins and stuff, i <3 him.

we do it in the dark, with smiles on our faces

i wish i had went up to you today and said "thank you for getting me through the worst year of my life", but i was too nervous to do it because i admire you so much, you have no idea. i'll tell you on july 6th because i'll be half-asleep so i'll probably like profess my love to you or something (not that i'd mean it, i admire you, but i don't like love you, i'm not one of those crazy fans), but hopefully i won't. thank you for an amazing day my dear, and you seriously have the most adorable dog ever.

second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.

its nights like this that make me want to transfer to a different dancing school. i joined that class just to keep doing irish, not become your assistant fucking teacher. and yes, i do know that i rush, don't yell at me and tell me that i'm not doing anything to change my timing- i actually am, i do try, i try harder than that entire class.

and thanks a whole lot t for ruining my day. i could've spent the day in nyc with people that i actually like, but noooo, since you told me our plans were canceled so late in the day, i was stuck in the house all day.

hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you

thanks a lot you dumb cunt. i dropped all of my plans for tomorrow because of you and your lame little picnic, and now you want to change the plans and push them back because you have bad allergies, oh noez. well guess what my dear, so do i, and do you hear me complaining? no. so thanks a whole lot, i could've went out in the morning with my other friends that don't change plans last-minute and don't ditch me. i really can't stand you anymore, its like the older you get, the dumber you become.