do i have to spell it out for you?

i'm 20. i didn't think that i would live to see this age. a new decade, a new beginning.

no one to kiss on new years. i'll never have anyone. i know who i want, but i'll never have him.

i'm becoming more withdrawn and cruel. i don't like who i'm becoming, but i don't know how to stop it.

picture-perfect point of view

i don't know where i fit in anymore. i don't act like a normal girl my age (and i most certainly don't look it), i'm withdrawn and shy and i get along better with kids that are 5 years younger than me. i feel so out of place in the world. i don't think i'll ever belong.

5 days of hell are over. i'm the best, and people suck majorly.

its time for us to take a chance

i am so jealous right now. back off you preppy skank, he's MINE. why am i jealous, i've never made a move on him... so if they go out, i can't say a word. oh fuck, i confused myself.

i'm so christmas-ed out right now.

you want a piece of me

i'll never be good enough.

i'm the only one out of all of my friends that isn't dancing, and i feel ridiculous just walking across the stage. i feel so stupid, i just want to cry over this whole thing.

i knew you wouldn't do that to us. thank you <3

i swear i'd burn this city down to show you the light

i need motivation. i guess failing and losing my scholarship isn't enough. i hate being like this.

you're my favorite santa =]

i have a new opportunity, and i'm gonna use it. i'm excited, i hope that i get chosen.

you would kill for this, just a little bit

all fixed. now i'm freaking out about everything else. i hate this time of year so much.

almost died the other day. i'm bruised but fine.

i don't know what to do anymore. its like nothing i do is good enough for anyone. why am i still doing this?

maybe i am just like you. or maybe no one is.

sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills

drama drama everywhere. its so stupid and pointless, and its driving me mad.

i'm not involved anymore. i'll just stay by myself and not talk, but that's okay.

i fixed it. i feel so relieved now, i've been worrying about it since may, and i finally fixed it.

2 more weeks and its over, and then 5 days of hell begins.

i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go

i feel like i'll never be good enough for anyone.
no guy will ever like me, i'm so messed up.

i feel like i'm a horrible dancer.
why do i want to make a career out of it?
i'll never be good enough to dance professionally, i'm horrible.

its one of those nights where i listen to depressing music and cry.
i hate it.

now that i'm losing hope

my parababies are so grown-up! they were so amazing acoustic today, the smiles that i kept on getting were genuine, as was the huge one on my face. they were great, hayley has such a beautiful voice, and the boys are great musicians. and the show later was amazing, zac kept on smiling at me because i was rocking out sidestage.

waiting outside from 9:45-4 was not really worth it, especially when cunts cut the line and tell me a sob story that made me ask why they aren't where they're needed.

OH, THANKS FOR LEAVING US YOU FUCKING CUNT.

forgive me i'm trying to find my calling, i'm calling at night

be thankful.

i really need to talk to someone, but i can't talk to the person that i need want to talk to. i feel like crying constantly, i feel so empty. you're all that i think about, and its driving me crazy.

this song is so beautiful. write one for me, please?

i can't wait for january.

i've done something terrible, i'm terrified to speak

"dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night" thankyouthankyouthankyou for playing that tonight, you don't know how much that song means to me, and being able to sing that on the barricade was amazing. and you saw my smile, and yours back to me were so genuine. don't blow up, please. you boys need to stay my secret, you're mine, all mine, and i'll be so sad if you're all over trl and mtv.

i love my girls. a nice drama-free night without the skank. what goes around comes around sweetie, and its starting to come around to you for fucking with all of us. none of us can stand you anymore, you lie to everyone and you're a whore.

i think i'm really sick.

remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall?

i don't know if i can trust you.

i'm so confused. i feel like crying.

thankyouthankyouthankyou. i can't believe that i finally met you, and i couldn't tell you anything that i've wanted to tell you for almost 4 years now. i got so nervous, maybe next time i'll be able to tell you how you've inspired me so much.

its
all
falling
apart.

i came here to make you dance tonight

i'm so worried about her. i'm scared that i'm going to lose her. she needs more help than i can possibly give her.

petrified. scared. worried. fearful.

sleep with a ghost

she cut herself the other day. i can't go through this again, i'm not stable enough, i feel like i can't be there for her as much as she needs me. i'm so scared of losing her again. i wanted to cry when she showed them to me, i never thought that i'd see those again. itsjunioryearalloveragain

you took me hostage and made your demands

i need to pick up a pen and write again, i have so much bottled up inside that i need to let out. this helps so much, but i miss writing fiction so much, and i feel like maybe if i start writing it again, i'll feel better. heartache, tears, loneliness, its all there, and i need to let it out before i break again. i will not get to the way i was 4 years ago, when my "perfect" world was changed and i went through a breakdown because i was trying to be strong for someone, when i just couldn't. i'll never forget seeing the indentations of a blade pressed into her arms, and then sobbing into her voicemail that night... innocence was lost and insanity was gained.

we were young, we never cared, and now we're scared of jumping in

over 200 entries of my rambling have been posted to this lovely little blog, but i doubt that the right people are reading it.

i need to stop dwelling so much on the past and focus on the future.

i was told today to not hold back because "you will regret not taking the chance to be the millionth most amazing version of yourself that you are.", and i really have to keep that in mind because that came from someone that i greatly admire.

i feel like i've been replacing my friends with new people, i haven't seen people that i've known for over 15 years in months, and yet i'm hanging out with random people that i barely know or know from myspace, and i feel horrible for doing this. i still love my old friends, but i love hanging out with my new ones.

sosososo awkward. nothing feels right.

you're stronger than you know

i'm so confused. i want to sit in a dark room and cry (oh how "emo" of me). i don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. i'm so sick of myself.

Sweetheart, bitter heart, now I can't tell you apart

things are starting to get better at home.

we've only been back for a week and the drama has already started.

i'm just a face for every picture, a smile for your scrapbooks, and a story to be told

don't be paranoid, it doesn't sound ridiculous, and feel better. and you totally wrote that before you taped fuse!

my dad still isn't talking to me or my mom. i noticed that all of the bottles of my brother's pills aren't in the medicine cabinet, and him and my dad are going to pennsylvania for something this weekend, but the pills missing are worrying me. i shouldn't be, but i am.

why are we all so two-faced? we all talk about each other behind each other's backs; not inviting her to go out to eat because she's annoying? i thought that she was your best friend, and those guys were so dumb, i felt my iq drop from being around them. i am really sick of you right now.

you fat bitch, stop posting ock board comments on myspace. you're not a part of the "world's most hated" crew, your little name for yours is lame, and you're just fucking annoying. you want them all to yourself, and i know it. and if you're nice to me the next time i see you, i'll punch you in your fucking face.

i saw the used last night, and they were amazing, but i wish that they played more old stuff.

this is side one, flip me over

i had an amazing day with my boys, i wound up going to both tapings (fuck mtv) and i got to hear "dead on arrival" live for the very first time, when the vjs announced that the guys were going to play it, i gasped and was so happy, pete smiled at me when he saw how excited i got because that was one of the first songs that i heard from them 3/4 years ago, and its my favorite.

you're all fake. okay, we lied to get in, we thought that if we said that we were at the other taping, that we wouldn't be allowed in, so we thought that we had to lie. they also embarrassed one of us on tv, so she was really upset and wanted to get out of there. you're not one to talk, you fucking stole wristbands from them and ran off, if i see you there next week, trying to get in with them, i will fucking slap you. i thought we were friends, and you're calling us greedy and shady because we went to both?!

infinity on high to infinity on low in .2 seconds.

i've got headaches and bad luck, but they couldn't touch you; oh no.

i need to talk to someone badly. i'm really upset, but i don't want to call any of my friends because i don't want to scare them, i need to talk to someone that doesn't know the whole story, that i can trust with my secrets.

pleasepleaseplease respond to my bulletin, i think you're the one that i need to talk to.

first you say you won't, then you say you will

still no word, this is hurting me so much, what did i do to deserve this?

started thinking about cutting again. relax, relapse, relax, relapse again. its like a vicious cycle, i relapse every few years and create more scars that i'm ashamed of. the only thing that's been keeping me happy and hopeful is a wonderful career opportunity from mtv, and fob tomorrow morning. fob have actually helped me through a lot, i discovered them in the middle of the worst year of my life, and they cheered me up, gave me hope, and made me smile, and i can't thank them enough for it.

i really don't like you, stop posting every aspect of your life on myspace. and stop denying that you're talking about different guys in bands, we all know that you are, so stop lying about it.

i'm hanging off of every word you said.

did you scream enough to make her cry?

my father hasn't spoken to my mother and i since wednesday. i tried telling him something and he asked me if i thought he cared. this is really upsetting, i feel like he hates us. i came close to walking out of my house yesterday because i couldn't deal with being ignored anymore. i wish i had the funds to move out of here.

school is back, and its awful. dance history is a joke, we sit there and watch movies and take notes on them, and modern is just awful. i still have that incomplete looming overhead from last semester, i need to do my final just so i can get a grade in that class.

fob on tuesday, i'm excited, an hour and a half with my 4 favorite boys and the ock girls, its gonna be awesome.

i decided that out of all of the fbr/decaydance boys, brendon is the one that i would date.

and there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore

this is the last place that i can turn to that has a bit of privacy.

having a camera doesn't mean that you're a photographer, and taking pictures at "interesting" angles doesn't make the picture cool, it just makes it suck. you're a horrible photographer, your camera sucks ass, you don't know how to edit and pick out the good photos, you just post everything that you take. yes, i am jealous because you're getting stuff that myself and another deserving photographer should be getting, but that's only a part of it, you act like you're better than everyone else because you finagled your way into getting a vendor wristband which got you into the photo pit.

warped was pleasant, for the most part. working was fun, except for when i had to go get an emt for that girl because she made herself sick from the heat because she wasn't drinking water. i got to see most of the bands that i had wanted to see, i officially hate the new paramore fans, little bitches. i got to see a few bands, forever the sickest kids sang to me (i love my southern boys) which was awesome. and i got to chill with some of the boys from paramore on the day that i worked, sweetest boys ever! they're so nice and mad chill, i could've hung out with them all day if we didn't get kicked out of the area (the boys almost did too, lol). i wound up missing alkaline trio's set both days that i went, i heard all of it perfectly, but i was working when they played and then i got there when they were on the next day, i was not happy. good weekend filled with good friends, new and old and of course some drama.

oh, did i mention that i got to go to the warped barbecue?! that was awesome, chilled with ftsk and ran into one of the girls from the video shoot! but that's when the drama happened, i pretty much wound up without my travel buddy and one of the other girls from the shoot that i know had to drive me to the train station in li because her, and all of my other friends (excluding the cunt that scummed me over) didn't want me taking the bus to it by myself. i did not appreciate being left to travel by myself, it was a long and shitty trip, thanks a lot you little cunt for doing that to me, you use people and are friends with them when its convenient for you- you needed a ride and i was dumb enough to give it to you- never again.

school on the 27th, kill me.

just jealous 'cause we're young and in love

week from hell. scholarship was taken away by my school, got it back along with a fucking lecture, and warped has turned into a mess.
FUCK YOU METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY AND TIME WARNER CABLE.

i am not your fucking taxi, its one thing to ask someone for a ride, and its another to ask how many people i'm bringing. and to call me at 1am to ask me? i almost didn't pick up, but i was nice and now i want to kill you. and i'm not you, i don't let random people come and sleep over my house in the middle over the night, if i did that then i won't see the light of day for months because my parents will wake up and i'll be fucked.

i want to rip my hair out and bang my head against the wall.

sleeping all day, staying up all night.

everything i write is so hateful and i keep on pressing delete so it doesn't come out. all i have to say is- i hate you, you fake bitch, i saw that dirty look you gave us.

good, now you know how i've felt for the past year and a half.

"she's got it out for me, but i wear the biggest smile."

awww dip i used that line again

i find it so fitting that the last harry potter book comes out the last year of my childhood/teens. i feel like i grew up with everyone in it, i began reading the books when i was 11, turning 12, and that was 8 years ago... it feels like so long ago, everything was so much simpler then.

that's what you get when you let your heart win

i keep on thinking about falling down my basement stairs and breaking my ankle for some reason. i don't know why, and when i picture it, its basically the worst break ever, and its starting to freak me out.

oh my lord i want to slap you.

nice job guys, no one can cut and then you let those 2 cut, and for what- to stand on the ledge? what the fuck yo, you should've let the 3 of us cut when we got there, you guys were the ones that told us to get there at that time.

paramore was amazing, hayley williams is such a beautiful singer, josh farro is some really nice eye candy with a nice ass, and their fans are crazier in pits than fob's. my babies are making it big, i'm so proud.

oh, and they acknowledged my existence, holla!

this is me wishing you into the worst situations

i love talking trash, but its going to come back to hurt me in the end.
what goes around comes around, i guess.
i'm so fake around everyone, i smile and laugh and go along with it all meanwhile i can't stand anyone and i've been despressedish again.

i don't know how to approach you, i'm scared.
the worst you could say is no, but i don't wanna hear that.
we'd make an ugly couple too- i'm short and fat, and you're tall and skinny, it wouldn't look good.
but i really really like you.

"i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me and you)" makes me cry, i don't want it to be a single, it drags up memories of my first big crush and how i got all depressed because he had a girlfriend and my brilliant friend told him that i liked him and then i got a reputation as a stalker, so yeah, beautiful song with bad memories. and it makes me think of you.

bby, get a fucking myspace kthnx.

i'm in the business of misery, lets take it from the top

its all a lie.
i'm a fake.
i loathe you. you use me for money, and i'm fucking sick of it.
however, i can't thank you more for introducing me to some of the coolest nyc kids.

lets start a riotriotriotriot.
the today show almost turned into one.
raindrops were falling on my head and i became sick from that night. mr. wentz, you have some very dedicated (and crazy) fans, we're the only ones that would spend the night on a manhattan streett in the pouring rain just to see you guys soundcheck and perform 3 songs. and then stake out the backstage area at live earth hoping to see you guys (if patrick told you a few girls yelled his name really loudly and waved to him, well that was me and my girls), and hang out in front of ak47 until 2am in hopes that you will arrive even though your bandmates have come and gone.

i'm the queen of improv.

my "golden" solo is going to be the greatest thing ever, i have so many ideas for it.

its not too late, its never too late

its all over. 35 dances, 5 shows, lost costumes, drama, running over little kids, lipstick galore, the feathers, rumors (all started by the fake), facial expressions, poses, last-minute changes, goodbye to some, it won't be the same.

the class that i pretty much taught sucked so much because we finished that dance last friday... and they were all upset because there was some fucked up shit going on.

YOU. stop spreading rumors, the school isn't going to close, she isn't trying to lessen the amount of classes- if she was then she wouldn't have restructured the saturday schedule to have classes for 12 hours, now would she? you're a foolish child, don't tell me one thing and say something else when i'm right there, i call you out and you know that i do. and don't talk shit about the girls- all i said was "i liked their dance better last year" and you started talking trash about them, i am so happy that you're leaving because... i. can't. stand. you.

i put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away

i love finding parallels in our writings, it shows that (in)sane minds think alike.

the show is tomorrow, 8 months of hard work for 2 minutes on a stage in a venue filled with one of my best friends and a lot of people that i don't know. my favorite girls are coming to the night show, they're going to yell things and embarrass me, and that's why i love them. i live to please the crowd, make everyone happy, that's my role. i may not be the best, but i'm certainly the most charismatic (but where is my broadway role for the biggest fraud?). live to dance, dance to live, its not a fashionstatement, its a lifestyle. and save your compliments- "you were wonderful" no i'm not, "you're such a great dancer" no i'm not, there are girls that are younger, prettier, skinnier, and far more talented than me. i want to make it big, but i have no faith in myself to do so.

fuck, i just realized that i need to finish that solo to "golden" by next week.

its a love-hate relationship. sometimes i can hang out with you for a week in a row, and other times i want to strangle you. its a onetwoknockout relationship, when is it going to end?

i am so ashamed to live here after going to work tonight.

she's a killer queen

i'm as fake as every girl here. i lie, i talk behind your back, i exaggerate, but for what? more attention? more friends? i don't know...

sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you.

you're nothing but a drama queen. all eyes are on you honey, and most of them can't stand you. you try to make everything about you, whenever one person talks about something you always have to bring it back around to you. you're a slut whose legs never shut, if you fuck that guy in that band (a major band too, i've seen them play several times at big shows) i promise i won't speak to you ever again. you're a groupie, a slut, you hook up with so many guys its disgusting. i've heard the rumors, and i don't know if they're true or not, i don't believe the hype, but this time, i just might.

i had a breakdown today because my manager is a fucking cunt that doesn't listen to what our boss says, everything is fixed but i am very close to quitting my job.

sing like this is the last song you will ever sing

you're welcome. my smile was real, i haven't had that much fun in a long time, i hope to be in another one soon, especially if i can actually dance dance in it, not just party dance.

you kids are too young for all of this drama. who's kissing who, did they kiss? omg, we need to call her- you kids aren't even in high school, you shouldn't have to deal with that.

first night i've been home in a long time, its so strange. i've been traipsing about the island with my friends, coming home at 4am, and it doesn't bother me at all, i really have stopped sleeping.

sometimes, i think i need to be medicated.

i miss fob so much, i can't wait to see them again in july. but its like a depressing feeling, their music just means so much to me (i started crying during "golden" and "i'm like a lawyer" when i saw them), and i need to see them live again. and i do hope to meet them just so i can thank them for getting me through the year from hell.

angels and kings is my new favorite place to go in the city, i can't wait to go back in july!

i used to be so eloquent, what happened?

it was never my intention to brag

haha, ocks are pisssssssssssssed at us for crashing the shoot. honey, its not like we all rolled up and planned on being in the video, the casting director simply didn't do her job, she should've had a list of names, and those of us that weren't on it should've been kicked out, or, if friends were in the video, been able to sit there and watch. what happened to all fall out boy fans being friends? you guys are just mad because they opened up the shoot to all of the 18+ fans in nyc, so it wasn't an ock exclusive, we didn't "ruin something special" for you guys, it was a special day for all fall out boy fans, i had so much fun just hanging out and making new friends. OH, AND STOP SAYING THAT WE MOBBED PATRICK. I was one of the first girls to meet him, the teenies were after my group. oh, and we aren't "squealing, stalkerish, drumstick stealers", yes, i had a few fangirl moments, but they were over the puppies because they were adorable, and once i hit ta because patrick was singing "also into cats" and that made my life and i was excited to hear him sing it. okay, and i fangirled over wentz when i saw him in the dressing room when i walked past it, but fuck, its wentz and he's hot, okay?! and we didn't steal the drumsticks, we asked andy if we could have them because we're his girlz and he said yes. just drop it already, the shoot was on sunday and unfortunately, you can't change the past. i don't like you, you are an elitist asshole, we saw you and the rest of your ock friends making fun of us the entire evening.

this is turning more and more into a soapbox, hopefully i'll stop this ranting once they stop bitching.

don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

thank you so much for an amazing sunday, tuesday, and wednesday night, i can't wait to see you amazing boys again in july, and again in the fall.

sweetie, i meant every word of it, and guess what- the boys make fun of you, a so called "friend" of yours told me that today, he said he spoke to her at the club because she's the normal one i am sorry, but the truth hurts.

i don't like jersey kids. and what the fuck is the point of going to a concert if you're just going to stand there the whole time and watch? what happened to dancing and singing along- if you're just gonna stand there then sit the fuck down and let the people that really want to be there see better.

we DON'T fight fair

i'm probably going to get into a fight with a pissed off overcast kid tomorrow at the show because i'm friends with "psycho chick" and i wrote a lovely buzznet blog about the video shoot and one of them found it and got pissed because according to her i wasn't allowed to post that because she was told to put away her camera, but she's just jealous because i met andy and patrick (who is such a sweetheart), and she didn't.

OH, and we didn't mob Patrick, there was the 3 of us on the line to meet him, ta and sboy walked up to him and took their pictures, i walked up, introduced myself, we had a short little convo and took my picture, that was it. we didn't mob him, we're a bunch of (almost) 20-year-olds, we're more mature than that.

but yeeeeeeeeees, fob tonight and tomorrow night, its going to be amazing. and we may be crashing the ock meet and greet tomorrow night because we have skillz.

in other news, i met the click five tonight, lovely boys. and ta and i flirted with the drummer during the show, which earned us a pair of used drumsticks that he personally handed to us because we're hot bitches. and they put on a sick show, the lead singer is so cute with his little spins and stuff, i <3 him.

we do it in the dark, with smiles on our faces

i wish i had went up to you today and said "thank you for getting me through the worst year of my life", but i was too nervous to do it because i admire you so much, you have no idea. i'll tell you on july 6th because i'll be half-asleep so i'll probably like profess my love to you or something (not that i'd mean it, i admire you, but i don't like love you, i'm not one of those crazy fans), but hopefully i won't. thank you for an amazing day my dear, and you seriously have the most adorable dog ever.

second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.

its nights like this that make me want to transfer to a different dancing school. i joined that class just to keep doing irish, not become your assistant fucking teacher. and yes, i do know that i rush, don't yell at me and tell me that i'm not doing anything to change my timing- i actually am, i do try, i try harder than that entire class.

and thanks a whole lot t for ruining my day. i could've spent the day in nyc with people that i actually like, but noooo, since you told me our plans were canceled so late in the day, i was stuck in the house all day.

hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you

thanks a lot you dumb cunt. i dropped all of my plans for tomorrow because of you and your lame little picnic, and now you want to change the plans and push them back because you have bad allergies, oh noez. well guess what my dear, so do i, and do you hear me complaining? no. so thanks a whole lot, i could've went out in the morning with my other friends that don't change plans last-minute and don't ditch me. i really can't stand you anymore, its like the older you get, the dumber you become.

the lives we lived are only golden-plated

never did those papers, i'm officially fucked. i'm making myself sick by obsessing over this grade, i think about it day and night, and i won't stop obsessing until my grades are posted online.

i get to see one of my writing idols on june 5th and 6th, i can't wait. even though you've become somewhat "untouchable", just know that you've inspired me for the past 4 years, and i can't thank you enough for that. maybe i'll see you outside of ak47 if i go, that would be cool.

my other writing idol got a fabulously scene tattoo, but babe, what if you get fat? seriously now- "thin as a dime"? i know that they're lyrics, but really now. but its really nice, i love the font

oh fuck, this song makes me cry. a lot. will you write me a song like this? "and its all because of you- this one's for you."

happy late birthday bby, you're no longer a teenager.

i want to scream until my vocal cords tear.

i need a change; look, scenery, friends- anything, everything has gotten so dull and boring.

It takes acquired minds to taste, to taste, to taste this wine

failure. you'll never amount to anything, you're going to fail this class because you haven't done these papers and you're going to fail and have to repeat this course because you're stupid and lazy and a fuckup.

whoa, i never meant to brag

i'm fucked beyond belief. 2 10-page papers done in one day, can i actually pull this off?

i really should learn how to get my ass off of myspace and do some work. like i'll get ridiculously tired, but i'll force myself to stay on myspace instead of writing these papers, what's wrong with me?!

cartel on thursday in my favorite city in the world, i'm excited. and then i get to see fall out boy again on june 6th, so yay even though i'll be spending about $200 on merch (damn you clandestine industries for making such cute things like the hemy shirt!!), because i'll most likely buy all of the clandestine stuff, the tour shirt, a tai shirt, and a cobra starship shirt, and maybe, just maybe, a grill 'cause my girlies and i are so gangster that we're all going to have to get one.

once a whore you're nothing more, i'm sorry that'll never change.

will i ever learn? i haven't done any of my work, and i'm going to have to beg for more time, i'm going to feign illness due to my allergies (partly true, i've been coughing up chunky crap all week) and pray that i have until saturday to hand in my paper and final.

i'm going to fail this class because i'm so lazy. i don't do my work and then take advantage of the kindness and sympathy of my professor in order to get an extentsion, its so fucked up.

it all comes to an end on thursday, and i'm really sad, i love the girlies in my class, they're so amazing and fun, i'll have class with a few of them in the fall, but it won't be the same. we're going to be amazing on thursday, and we'll leave the crowd wanting more. ♥ kme forever ♥

i'll prepare you for a sick dark world.

i don't know what i want. (met you on the internet)
i don't know what i want. (then i lied about it)

have you ever found a song that's just so fitting that its, well, creepy? yeah, seeing those lyrics gave me chills because its true.

she's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock.

motivate me. 5 page paper, final, and pile of homeworks to do, the homeworks are due on tuesday, and i really need to do this paper and final, the paper has been due for weeks, and the final is due on wednesday. i just need to start everything, once i start it, i'll finish it quickly.

you're unlike every other staten island boy, and that's what makes you so attractive. you're not "emo", "scene", a guido, you're you. we're both unlike every boy and girl here, so why don't you approach me? myspc m bby.

Go ahead and sell me more.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 30% Stability |||||| 26% Orderliness |||||| 30% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence || 10% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||| 43% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Materialism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Sexuality |||||||||| 36% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness || 10% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 90%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
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it was a lie when they smiled and said "you won't feel a thing"

the required bamboozle post.

brand new let me down. i was on the fucking barricade for them, and they let me down. they played "degausser" twice, "seventy times seven", and "you won't know". why the fuck did that have to play that long song twice, they should've played something else from the first cd. i mean i was crying tears of joy because i was on the barricade, but it could've been better.

my chemical romance was amazing, i was doubled over from screaming during "how i disappear" because that song is very important to me due to my ed. they played the whole black parade cd, and 5 songs off of three cheers. i never felt so happy to be in a crowd, it was so amazing because during the singles like "welcome to the black parade", everyone was singing along, it was so cool, we ARE the black parade, and we will carry on!

taking back sunday playing "MY BLUE HEAVEN"!!!!!!!! i'm pretty sure that i can die happy now, because that is my favorite song. but people suck, if you only know a band for their singles or new songs, then don't watch them, let the fans that have been listening to them for 6 years get closer, because i could barely see, which sucked, and i was the only person in the back that knew all of the words to every single song.

paramore never ceases to amaze me, i admire hayley so much.

plain white t's were amazing, and a guy proposed to his girlfriend before "hey there delilah", it was so cute! i want that to happen, to that song.

jack's mannequin was fucking great.

i don't want to start over again

sometimes, i think too much.
over-analyze.
concentrate.
obsess.
however you like to put it, i do too much of it.

and i'll admit, i want you to help me through this

give me courage.
give me strength.
give me faith.
give me confidence.
give me happiness.

you're appealing to emotions that i simply do not have

you are, and its scaring me.

i'm praying for love, but paying in my naivety.

believe what you read

can i do this? can i pursue him? i really want to, but i'm so nervous, i've never done anything with a guy before, i don't want to be a horrible hookup. i really like him, he's fucking hot, he's the first really hot guy to be interested in me, i don't want to fuck this up.

goddamn tug-of-war.

this week should be amazing, paramore on wednesday, and then bamboozle this weekend.

and a tiny part of me is hoping that if we do hook up, that it'll end up turning into an amazing and long-lasting relationship. a girl can dream, right?

to hands between legs, to whatever it takes, to drinks at the club to the bar to the keys of your car, to the hotel stairs, to the emergency exit door

*flails* hot boy. penis pictures. omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and its not like wentz penis (but i still <3 ya pete), its actually, um, like wow, lol. 8 inches and thick.

oh, this is screenname boy from the last post.

and he wants me to talk dirty... oh. my. fucking. god. (can i just say that i'm blushing right now, lol.)

boo... he just asked me what i've done... fucking hell.

shit, he doesn't want a relationship.

*facepalms* i don't know what i'd like to do/change... i'm like at a fucking loss for words. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. part of me just wants to fuck him, and part of me is like "you want a relationship, not a fuck buddy, you're still a fucking virgin, take this shit slow". fucking hell. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

i'm such a goddamn tease, i don't know what i want anymore.

he asked if i'd be all submissive and shit... omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bites and scratches, being tied up- yes please!!

blowjob? hah, that should be interesting, you'll probably make me gag so fast. you're right- 1/2 way and i'd gag.

and he wants me to send him boob pictures, yeah- not happening. they're uneven, i hate them, i'm fat, and just... yeah. the others will be sent when you're sober- i'm not having your drunk ass showing the pictures to all of your friends.

i hate this. my body wants one thing, and my heart and mind wants another. it's like a constant tug of war.

do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

the taste of fame is so sweet, but losing it is so sour. no pro-gig for me.

i create a wall and block everyone out. i want to let some people in, but i just can't; if i let down one wall, then they all crumble, like dominoes.

there is a boy, i actually gave him my screenname, but i'm too nervous to talk to him. fucking walls.

i'm weak, a coward, a pussy.

i want a boy that will sing "hey there delilah" to me, and quote "cupid's chokehold" when talking about me. will i ever be happy? when will i make up my mind?

i will never cry at night again

so many butterflies... flutter flutter.
nerves are building, i'm terrified about tomorrow, i'm going to humiliate myself in front of everyone.
slow down, lift, smile, tune them out- i'm supposed to do all that and dance at the same time.
bad idea. very very bad idea.

don't pretend you ever forgot about me

tell me the truth with a straight face.

i walk through the rain with my hood down because the rain makes me feel alive.

i'm trying to become someone that i'm not, for you. "hell yeah, i'm the mother fucking princess" all for you, my dear. i'm becoming another hollister wearing clone, for you. i'm slowly losing my individuality, pretty soon i'll be getting my nails done and going tanning twice a week just to become something that i'm not. please give me a sign that you like me, anything. (or get a fucking online profile, please)

virgina tech ♥

yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. not knowing if you were okay or not almost sent me spiraling into a breakdown. i'm so glad that you're alright, you know more about me than the most of our family does, even though we're not really related and have only hung out twice. love ya kid, stay safe, and stay strong.

if anyone was affected by yesterday's horrible massacre at virginia tech, i hope that your loved one is okay, and if they were killed, then i'm truly sorry for your loss.

i can't watch the news reports about this without crying. all of these kids are dead, they're all around my age, with hopes and dreams, some about to graduate, and then they were executed by that asshole.

my generation has gone through so much; columbine, 9/11, and now the vt massacre- what's next for us? we've seen the world change so much in just 8 years, our lives change drastically due to these events. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

shit like this makes me feel horrible for using this journal to complain about my life, there are problems that are much bigger than mine.

2 more weeks, and my foot is in the door

well its actually 3. may 6th is going to be the greatest day of my life. i've been offered the chance of a lifetime, i'm shocked that he asked us, i never thought i'd be doing something like this at my age, i thought that i'd be 22/23 when i start getting professional gigs like this, but nope, its starting earlier than i planned, and i love it. i'm gonna make it, i'm gonna be famous, i'm gonna be something.

aww, he didn't offer it to you guys? well too fucking bad. you know why he didn't ask you? because you girls suck. you have no personality, you don't know the steps, and, well just suck in general. the only one in the class that has a smidgen of talent is only 13, but she belongs in my class because we're obviously better than you guys. (why yes, i am feeling cocky tonight)

it still hasn't sunk in yet... and the best part is that its going to actually be on mtv. i'm going to be watched by millions, hopefully noticed by a band (peter, i asked if you were gonna be there, if you are, you better say hi to me!) or singer, and be asked to dance in a video or on a tour (cough*HONDACIVICTOUR*cough), and things will be amazing.

but where's your heart?

you don't ask a girl what kind of plastic surgery that she would get done... that's like asking a girl how much she weighs! you creepy pedophiliac asshole, k told us that you hit on her, she's still in high school for fucks sake! i didn't want to tell you because only my mother, and a few close friends know, that's it. its really embarrassing, i have to get an implant in one of my boobs because its 2 cup sizes smaller than the other, its not something that i want to share over fucking myspace!

shut the door to her moaning and i shoot smack in my veins

it is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS TO KNOW WHO I LIKE. SECRET CRUSHES ARE CALLED THAT FOR A REASON. THE LAST TIME I TOLD ANY OF YOU WHOM I LIKED, ONE OF YOU RAN AND TOLD HIM, AND MADE HIM THINK THAT I WAS A FUCKING PSYCHO. ONE OF YOU IS THE REASON WHY ALL OF THIS SHIT IS BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME, AND I HAD TO MAKE THIS BLOG BEFORE I REALLY WENT FUCKING CRAZY.

omg that felt great. but yeah... i didn't tell you for a reason, i don't want you "awwing" and telling me to go out with him and all of that shit. i'm at a very weird place mentally, i'm losing what's left of my mind, so there is no way i'm dating anyone, not even v1 any time soon, unless they want to deal with this broken girl.

slow motion, see me let go.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm dying. i am never, EVER this sick, and i'm just getting worse by the minute. no fever yet, but i can't even keep a fucking salad down, and i have to eat so i can take my antibiotic. i'm coughing up more shit, and i'm very dizzy, lightheaded, and i'm starting to see double.

and of course i see v1 when i look like shit in sweatpants and a hoodie.

i'm so sick, infected with where i live

i'm really sick, i never get like this. my head is going to explode and i started coughing up phlegm, i'll probably start coughing up blood if this cough persists.

i had a 10 page paper due tomorrow, and i never did it, so i'm telling everyone that i'm too sick to go to that class so i can do it over the week.

liar liar, when are you gonna get caught?

i'm alright, but i'm better with a pen

can't stop thinking about v1, i don't know why.

i feel very lost, and hopeless, i'm slowly hitting bottom, and nothing may bring me back up.

can't sleep, can't think, can't dream.

i like being here on vacation because all of the girls here are about 100lbs heavier than me, so i look skinny, for once in my life.

kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

same shit different day, same shit different state.

When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear.

best week of my life.

mon- passed my world civ midterm with a b, therefore i win at life.
tues- good charlotte at the cbs early show.
wed- saw v1 on campus, but of course i looked like a total bum.
thurs- photoshoot.
fri- who the fuck knows.

what goes up, must come down. when will this crash?

nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm

I can relate to that so much... do you know how much it hurts to dance after you cut yourself? and then they reopen and your blood is dripdripdripping all over the floor and you're making a mess of things, your perfect facade shattered, you're open and exposed for all of them to see.

i need to be strong, i can't crack. c-r-a-c-k. s-h-h-a-t-t-e-r (i put the shh in shatter). b-r-e-a-k. they're all the same.

i never knew you (don't give up on me)

i'm scared.

i was the one who was always repeating it

smoked a cigarette to "play crack the sky" by brand new; i'm oh so scene.
all i need to do is lose 80lbs, get some sick extensions (done by miz aud kitching, of course), buy some skinny jeans, and i'll be a scene queen.

what the hell have i become?

i shouldn't be allowed near my laptop after midnight.

if that ain't love, then i don't know what love is

i'm a chain-smoking, pill popping, self-inflicting fuck up.
i'm everything that i said i would never be.
this change is scaring me.
help me.

i never knew you (don't give up on me)

in response to this post: i want a chance to dance onstage with you guys on june 6th (or 5th, and then cashdolla and i will sing happy birthday to you!). please let me, it will make my life complete, and i'm just so awesome, how can you not have me onstage? but please, let me, i have pieces choreographed to every song on ioh, some things may be improvised (for "thnks fr th mmrs", during the chorus i want to do fouettes and double pirouettes, and i know that unless i bust my ass to work hard, i won't have them by the show), but it will look cool, i promise.

but seriously, i expect you to be crazier than you were on the last tour. i remember at the nyc show, you threw your mike stand on the ground and you were climbing onto the set, maybe you could do that a lot more. and ask the kids in the terrace to invade the orchestra, that would be sweet (hint hint). and maybe some acoustic stuff like "nobody puts baby in a corner" and please pay "xo" again. and a surprise guest cough*ryan and brendon*cough or 2 would be nice!

my shin splints are back. fuck. i almost started to cry during choreography practice because i was in so much pain.

speaking of choreo, the dance that i'm in is coming along so well, we have a lift, and it looks awesome.

didn't buy cigarettes or pop a ritalin today, that's a good sign.

self-destruct is on pause, but for how long?

can talk my way out of anything

i've hit my self-destruct button, and there's no turning back. 2 cigarettes and 2 fast food meals today, and i'm probably going to pop a ritalin tomorrow.

i also burned myself with a match the other night, and a lighter tonight, and i loved every second of it.

smoked my first 2 cigarettes tonight, and i have to buy a pack of decent ones tomorrow, i hate my mother's, they just suck. it actually relaxes me, and the funny thing is, i don't cough when i smoke, just when i breathe in some of it by accident. "i'm burning and i'm blacking my lungs, boy girl you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue.

i'm a fucking idiot, i failed an exam because i went off on a tangent instead of answering the goddamned essay. 48 on it, i'm so dumb.

straighten me up 'cause i'm falling out of line

oh so stressed and tired. just give me my degree, kthnx.

i need to pull my head out of the fucking clouds and stop daydreaming. i'll never be a member of the bands that i love, so why do i keep daydreaming about it? i'll never be famous, i'll never "make it" (but do i really wanna make it?), i'll be stuck on this island with its fake orange girls and frosted-haired boys forever.

they sure love to stare

dramadramadrama, we're still sixteen. talktalktalk, behind each other's backs. listen to us, we can help. controlling, he has such a grip on you that you don't see. open your eyes before its too late.

make a wish before its too late. oh, wait, it is. did you wish for me? i wished for you.

my old irish heart

Éireann go Brách.

if you're irish, party like you're proud to be. if you're not irish, party like you want to be!

fucking snow, one performance has been canceled so far.

let me think of a metaphor

you know what are fucking creepy- ventriloquist dummies. (saw that creepy puppet movie last night, my throat hurts from screaming)

the snow ruined the show and plans last night, and probably my st. patrick's day, which sucks 'cause i've been looking forward to that for weeks. its just performances, but i thrive on them, they're my favorite thing about this holiday.

step 1- slit my throat, step 2- play in my blood

didn't go out because my friends suck. might be going tomorrow night, i'm not sure.

i've fallen so far behind, and i don't know how to catch up.

st. patrick's day is this saturday, i'm so excited, its one of my favorite days of the year.

i still say you should call him p. star; when i go to the show i'm going to fucking scream it from my seat up in guam, and i know that you'll hear me. we should chill before the show, message me my dear on the land of fakes so we can plan.

I will dig a hole and label it love

constantly yo-yo-ing, up and down, high to low, i'm fucking sick of it. it climbs, drops, and plateaus, a never-ending cycle.

hellogoodbye april 22nd, fuck yes.

secret lovers, that's what we are

went out tonight, it was fun. made a scene in dunkin donuts, acted like a bunch of pervs, sang, told stores, high-kicked our way back to my house, good times.

i'm actually happy tonight, happier than i've been in a long time.

almost back up to my highest weight, please kill me now. my body just won't let go of the weight, why can't i have a normal body with a not-fucked up thyroid and no ovarian cysts?

going out on thursday night and getting trashed, i can't fucking wait.

i love how i think that i'm this amazing poetic writer when i'm really not. i'm just another fucked up kid with too much stuff to say, and this is how it comes out, influenced by the great writers of my time- palahniuk, ross, and wentz.

you're a regular decorated emergency

lost one best friend to her boyfriend, and now i'm losing one to pennsylvania for the second time, great.

you are strong, but you can't be strong for all of us, that's my job. i take your burdens and make them my own.

but darling you're not thinking straight

so she's back with the ex... and i lost my best friend. we barely saw each other when they were dating, i hung out with her more over the past few months than i did during the 2 years that they were together. she became so independent and confident, and now she's going to lose all that she gained because of him. fuck what the psychic said, you got back with the boy for a reason, and yet you break up with him for this asshole with no future. i know that they won't work out, and i really can't stand seeing her cry over him again, whenever she does, it breaks my heart because i can't say or do anything that will help her.

so i miss you like whoa. i really don't want you to try out for that because i know that you'll win because you're fucking amazing and then you'll get a big ego and have a teenie following and you'll forget about the people that care about you, and knew you before you became mr. hollywood. but you're a grown man, so i can't do anything to stop you... best of luck my dear, its not like you're gonna need it. and don't forget about me, please.

please stop critiquing everything that i do. i know that my timing is bad. i know that i don't hop. i know that i have to fly during that part of the dance. please stop, you make me feel like shit, like i'm the worst dancer ever (well i am), please, just stop. you're personally going after me, and i hate it. things like this are making me consider quitting after this year is done.

i've seen you cry, way too many times

it breaks my heart to see you like this, no boy is worth it. are you sure that he's your soul mate (don't believe everything that you hear)? you saw how much he changed, do you think that he'd go back to the way that he used to be if you got back together with him? i've seen love die way too many times, and i don't want to see it die again. don't break up with your boy to be with your ex, i don't think it will work out- trust me.

'till tonight do us part

i'm so exhausted and burned out from the weekend.

you're so cute, but way too young for me, why can't you be 19 or 20 instead of 17? and you're fucking hot when you roll blunts and smoke them, i never thought that i'd be attracted to a pothead (i also thought that i'd be sxe for life, but i broke edge like 3 years ago when i took my first drink), but i'm so attracted to you, and i barely know you.

ex-friends till the end

you're all talk, but can you back your shit up? drink up and throw those punches boys, because we'll be here to pick up the pieces. talking trash behind each other's backs, you're like a bunch of high school girls.

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you

i'll keep your secrets safe if you keep mine. only we can know about this, its our secret language- either you get it, or you don't. can i really trust you? do you trust me?

you're not ready, please, stop acting like you are

there is no other feeling in the world than the feeling that you get when walking around soho at 11:30 at night, screaming and singing with your best friend that's more like the sister that you wish you have.

i bought a to write love on her arms shirt tonight, when people ask me what it is, and why i'm wearing it, i'm going to lie and say because my friend used to cut herself, because no one can know the truth.

bayside is fucking amazing live. so is anberlin and jonezetta, they were insane. meg & dia were alright.

he, he tastes like you but sweeter

remember that hole i dug myself back in the fall? i'm back in it. for once i'm speechless, can't think of a thing to say.

the shadows kept me hidden

fast until you can't move, that's the way to do it. everything is brighter, things are sharper, i'm focused. collapse from weakness, struggle to get up, and fall again.

i'm so far gone now, i've been running on empty

oxycotin, ritalin, and vodka- my favorite cocktail. i'm a drugstore cowgirl, mixing what i like until i get the numbness that i crave. its sitting here in front of me, and i'm debating taking it only because i have things to do tonight, and i can't be fucked up. (let's get fucked up and die.)

some nights it gets so bad that i almost pick up the phone

broken down at the side of the road, everything spilled out. secrets, lies, truth, all there for the world to see. i'm an open book, with a hidden message. decipher it, and you may have my heart.

this could be the last time.

i think i'm finally going crazy. i feel myself unraveling, and i don't know how to stop it, and i'm fucking petrified.

i need to talk to someone that won't judge me or run to my parents and tell them everything, i really need to get it all out.

that teenage vow is starting to creep back into my thoughts, and this time, i may actually go through with it.

boy, i'm the drugstore cowgirl.

is this how we say goodbye?

i almost began to cry in modern, she told us to dance with emotion, to let it all out, and it almost did. i almost had a full breakdown, she told us to think of something to make us feel something, and with our song, i always feel sad, so i was thinking of everything, my fucked up life, how "hum hallelujah" makes me cry, amongst other things, and i started tearing up. my heart feels so broken, i feel so weak from it.

in every circle of friends, there is a whore.

taking shots in the bathroom shows true class. alcoholic, and at each other. put on those gloves ladies, its time for a showdown. you talk trash because that's what you are.

liar, if we're keeping score.

my heart and mind are in a never-ending battle, each wants something different. its an epic battle, going on for years. i'm so confused, i want to be loved, and yet i don't. i hate myself, so how can i love someone when i don't even love myself?

self-deprecation is wonderful, isn't it?

keep the blood in your head, and your feet on the ground

the truth is hiding behind these glasses. my eyes have seen more than any nineteen-year-old should, there is pain, beauty, truth, and love hidden there, deeply hidden. coax it out, please. there is terror, fear and loneliness; happiness, beauty, and love hidden, so hard to find. the terror, fear and loneliness may come out first, who knows. the love will be the last, it will be the hardest to coax out. this heart is so heavy, full of pain and sadness, it has never known true love, only heartbreak. break out the bandaids boy, you're gonna need them.

so keep me updated, call back in a week to check up on me

happy valentines day.
its been 19 years and i still have no one to love. i'm tired, scared, confused and lonely. please find me and help me out. this heart is locked up, and you hold the key. the lock is stuck, its rusted, but you can open it, can't you?

snowstorms are love. they are so beautiful, but they can be so deadly, like my wit. innocent, unsuspecting, i pick up my pen and it all pours out. thoughts, fears, dreams, threats, secrets. dark, twisted, light, fluffy. it all pours out, a jumbled mess, like my mind and heart.

i have a sharp mind and a sharp tongue, show me how to use both. the words flow from this pen, but they mean nothing (or do they mean something), they're just meaningless drabble from an insomniatic mind who over analyzes anything and everything.

"i want to destroy something beautiful."

trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns

i'm thinking of re-reading invisible monsters, but highlighting all of my favorite quotes as i read (such as "the truth is, i shot myself in the face:).
spanish test tomorrow, ugh, this sucks.
i may be going into the city tomorrow evening with my biff so she can get a gift for her bf. but yay, manhattan, in the snow, fucking amazingly awesome!!
i told r that i want a boy, but i really don't. ugh, i'm so confused, my head is a maze of jumbled thoughts, and i can't seem to find my way out.

so hum hallelujiah just off the key of reason

"Conservation"
i am a conservationist of the heart, protecting it for all the kids that never had a chance with love. we're scared of the consequences, which would occur if we, we revealed our true selves to the object of our affections. the dark inside may scare you, its inside of all of us, our secrets that needed to be kept hidden from you, the world.
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face.
i sit and wait. and wait. and wait. just for you, i've been waiting patiently, but this heart can't wait anymore. i could share the dark with you, and you, you may like it. turn off the lights and pour everything out.
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face. you want me to wait, but i won't wait for you forever.
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face. you want me to wait, but i won't wait for you forever.
i'll never stop waiting for you, even if i have to wait forever.
-S.C.H., 2/7/07

wrote that during u.s. history, we were talking about conservation, and the first line just came to me. i like, it does remind me a bit of a fall out boy song, but it is my first attempt at songwriting, and i'm pretty damn proud of it.

new york eyes

its bitter cold tonight, like my heart. the cold keeps my mind sharp, i'm awake and aware of my every movement. they're all carefully thought out and planned, don't you see?
i picked the scab that i wound up with from when i fell last week; i'll have a scar/indentation in my palm in the shape of a teardrop, how emo.
new fall out boy cd>all other cds.

i didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

i love being in manhattan, i just feel so alive when i'm there. its just something about that city, the people, the lights, the beauty of it all, it just captivates me and i feel alive, for once. i feel like i belong there, that i need to live there in a few years. (but i refuse to be a singing and dancing waitress)

it's too late for me, no one will know that i'm down here.

you told me before that the night is still young, and i agree. 2am isn't that late (which is when i wrote to you), but now i feel my body shutting down, but my mind is resisting it. these 4am bedtimes are going to be the death of me, but i don't care anymore.

guess who has spanish work that has yet to be started!

choreography was simply wonderful, i have some big ideas for the spring showcase.

excursion to manhattan tomorrow, i'm excited.

i have 3 concerts coming up soon, i'm gonna be so poor! and the boys of permanent me are so funny, they told me to not show up to work and go to their concert instead, lol. but i'm excited for these shows, even if i go by myself, i don't care because i do kind of go off by myself during shows, so i'll be fine.

greedy little fit haver!

morning kids. i'm exhausted, i passed out around 3am, and i got up at 7 to get my brother ready for school. (who was late anyway because he thought that he had to be there at 8:30 and just get his report card and come home, but he actually had to be there at 8 and its a full day of school. sucks for him!)
choreography today, i'm sooooooooo excited.
i fell on campus yesterday, and some dick walked past me laughing. of course when i fell, i caught myself with my hands, and i ripped one of them open on a big piece of rock salt, so i'm missing some skin on that hand.
i'm going back to sleep for a few hours.

i'd wait it out for you.

so yeah, classes started today. i like world civ, it seems like its going to be good. then there's my other class, u.s. history after 1865, and, well it sucks. it would be nice if the professor lecturing went slower, and if they SPELLED THE FUCKING SLIDES CORRECTLY. i'm sorry, its just unprofessional when names such as abraham lincon are spelled wrong (it was spelled linclon!), and there were so many grammatical errors in the slides, ugh, it was awful. on the plus side there is a rather attractive boy in my class, so i'll see him again on wednesday, he's like scene, and he's really cute. hopefully he's not gay, taken, or an asshole.

here's the setting- fashion magazines line the walls

its snowing, and its sticking!!! its not much right now, only like 1/2 an inch, but still, its snow! i feel like a little kid again. i've always loved the snow, maybe its because after i was born, there was a blizzard the day my parents brought me home from the hospital.
i have class at 10am, ugh, i don't wanna go. i'm gonna try to go to sleep soon, hopefully i'll fall asleep fast.

double standard of suspicon

i was sitting in the dark before, reading "on the road" by jack kerouac by flashlight. i used to do that when i was a kid, when my life wasn't such a huge mess.
i shouldn't be allowed to see sad love stories, i get all emo during them because i know that i'll never have a relationship, there is no one out there for me. the boys that i do like show no interest in me, and the boys that show interest in me are usually ugly and have the iq of a pea.
school tomorrow. new semester, a fresh start, right? i'll probably fuck up again this semester, because i'll never do anything with my life.
eating is out of control, i'm back up to 175.2, i'm ready to shoot myself. 165.2 by valentine's day.
adasafjfhsdlk "my blue heaven" by taking back sunday just came on, now i really am gonna cry.

i've got a plan; we can't get caught

still awake, and i have dance class at 12:30, yay. i'm feeling better tonight than i have in awhile, which is nice. more confident, perhaps happy?
textbook shopping tomorrow, and i'm gonna try to get a chuck palahniuk novel out of the trip (barnes and nobel, whoo!).
classes start on monday, how am i gonna wake up at... fuck like 7:30am then if i'm not going to sleep until 5am? i'm so glad to be going back, the only reason why i've been leaving my house during this break has been to go to work and dance class, that's it.
saw cats on thursday, it was fucking amazing.
i jump from topic-to-topic far too much, a.d.d. much?

a phonecall i'd rather not recieve

blustery night. winter is finally here, all i need to see is some snow, and i'll be a very happy girl.
i need to be on stage, all eyes on me, people whispering "who's that girl", girls envying me and wanting to be me, and guys wanting me. put that spotlight on me 'cause i'm gonna fucking shine (but can i handle it?).

i have these ridiculous fantasies, and one of them is that i'm the newest member of panic! at the disco; ryan hears me singing along to fall out boy backstage at one of their nyc shows (i'm going with someone to the honda civic tour that has connections, she's an amazing girl) and he says that my voice is what they need because they need someone to voice the "virgin" (assuming that the new cd picks up where "build god, then we'll talk" left off, using the same characters), and that i'm perfect for it. and so i join and brendon and i alternate verses when we sing, i dance my fucking heart out onstage (doing trademark dances from my school), and i'm loved, hated, and respected. when am i going to get my head out of the fucking clouds, that's never going to happen.

twist the knife, it won't last forever

bring me the horizon is truly amazing, 'sup new favorite band! i like finding new music that no one else really knows about, it makes me feel special, lol.
i may be going to see bayside in february, that should be a good show. anberlin and meg and dia are also performing that night, so it should be fun.
bright eyes is playing in the city on march 2nd and 3rd, but i probably have irish step performances both days, which sucks, but those performances come first. and i think i'd have a nervous breakdown if i met conor.
i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, its going to be a lot of fun.

you really got your hold on me

5:17am. fucking hell. i'm going to be an exhausted mess in dance class tomorrow, and thursday is gonna be fun. i'm supposed to get up early 'cause i made plans (for once in my life), and i have no clue as to how i'm gonna do that if i keep on going to bed this late.
"baby is this love for real? let me in your arms to feel the beating of your heart baby."
i really hope that i see v1 a lot this semester, that would be lovely.
hey, look, new layout, address, blog name, and icon (invisible monsters <3), i was bored.

you're looking skinny like a model, with your eyes all painted black

this 4am bedtime is going to be the death of me.
i shouldn't be listening to bright eyes this late, i get all depressed.
"i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ear"
i <3 brand new.
i'm going to be a mess when school starts, i'm going to fall asleep in all of my classes because of my fucked up sleeping pattern.

sleep through the weekend, and dream

slept until 4 today, i think i'm nocturnal.
i have almost 700 friends on myspace, and i talk to maybe 20 of them. guys send me messages, telling me that i'm cute, and i ignore it because its not true.
"i am, i am a machine"
car-crash heart has become my new saying, even though it does sound like something that would be on a t-shirt (which i would buy).
downloaded some norma jean before, they're a lot heavier than the stuff that i normally listen to, and i've never really liked anything like them, but for some reason i love them.
classes start on monday, oh joy. i need to download some good music to listen to during world civ so i don't fall asleep. and purchase some good books to read in class and during my breaks.

long live the car-crash heart

back to school on monday. i'm so excited (not). new classes, new faces, new friends, oh yay.
u.s. history after 1865 is gonna be my favorite class 'cause i have it with r and another one of our friends, we're so gonna fail it, but that's okay.
maybe i'll have a class with v1, that would be nice. or have break the same time that he does.
my eating habits are really fucked up, and i don't know what to do.

throwing stones in a glass room

broken, lost, and confused.
i'm barely holding on and keeping it all together. (keeping what together exactly? there is barely anything in your fucked up little mind to keep together)
so very cold, literally and figuratively.
i belong in a padded room, or on strong medicine.
i'm becoming more and more paranoid each day, and drawing myself more into my shell; its a rather nice little shell.
i'm afraid of who i am, and what i will become.

long live the car-crash heart

i want infinity on high to come out noooooooooooow, i need the real version of this song, my video of it is okay, but i need to be able to listen to the song. and i refuse to listen to the leak, because i don't think that's right (the only leaked songs that i have are "this ain't a scene", and "carpel tunnel of love", because fall out boy actually leaked them), and i like opening up the cd and listening to it for the first time the day that it comes out.

went out again tonight, i have a social life, whoo!! we went to see alpha dog (i almost cried when the kid got killed, jt was like "you're my boy", and then the kid got whacked with a shovel, i gasped and went "oh my god!") and then went to applebees, again. we really shouldn't be allowed out in public, we're the biggest fools ever. we harassed our carside boy, he wound up coming with us so j could spend some time with him (they're made for each other), so yay, j has a boy.

i think that i am bipolar.

i fake these smiles and this laughter and pray that no one notices.
can i blend in? i'm a fucking chameleon, i'll do anything to blend in.

bury me in memory

good night tonight. good dance class, next week may be my last irish step class (well with these girls, i may have to switch to a lower level, which really pisses me off), but tonight was fun. went to applebees with my girls from work, we harassed our carside boy, and we're probably hanging out with him tomorrow night.

i'm close to cracking.
i want to do this, but i'm scared. what if i fail, then how will i face you, the one person that i have to be strong for?
relapse again.

your thoughts mirror my own, and it scares me. maybe we'll both be better in june.

give your immortality to me; i'll set you up against the stars

i need to look into voice lessons, like now. singing makes me so happy, like i have no idea if i can really sing or not, i record myself using my computer's microphone, and sometimes i think i sound ok, other times i think that i suck, but who really likes their own voice anyway? but yes, voice lessons are a must.

i'm such an asshole, i was supposed to get up at 7 to wake up my brother so he could get to school. well i slept through my mother's phone call, and woke up when his para called at 9:45!!!! but i can't stand his para, i was like "what period is it, is it 3rd period yet?", because if you come in after 3rd period, you get marked absent, and she was like "don't bother bringing him in", and then i got him to school for 10 (beginning of 3rd period), and she started asking me if he took his medication while we were in the lobby!!!! i really don't like her. but i feel so bad, my brother slept through his english final because of me, and i know that its hell to try to get a makeup final (i never missed one, i would come in really sick, just to take a final).

i love how my laptop is supposed to have a 4-hour battery, and yet it dies after being unplugged for 2. and my dad took his power cord back because he needed it for this weekend, and mine doesn't work, so i can't use my laptop until sunday because my battery is almost dead right now, and i have no way of charging it. its not like i won't have internet access, i do have a desktop, but the speakers don't work, and i can't stay on it all night because its in my basement, and my basement is really creepy.

what will happen next; i don't wanna know

have you ever heard a song that just fills you with so much emotion? at the show the other night new found glory played "i don't wanna know", and i just got this feeling in my chest, like my heart was breaking. i love that song so much, every time i hear it i want to cry and sing my heart out, i don't know why. its a beautiful and sad song, i think its because i want what the song is about so badly, because i haven't experienced it yet.

so yes, fall out boy was fucking amazing, along with all of the other bands. i liked permanent me, they were all cute and they played some good music. lifetime was amazing, but nobody was really rocking out to them because we spotted pete and andy watching them from the wings, so everyone started taking pictures of them and stopped paying attention to lifetime. but i really liked them, they were so good!! then new found glory came on, i felt like i was 16 again, especially when they played "hit or miss", jordan had us sing the words, and i was one of a few people that knew them. and apparently ian is a hotter bass player than pete is. and the lead singer of say anything; matt, was there, and jordan hinted at them touring together, so i will so be there if they do!!! and then fall out boy came on. oh my goooooooooood, i think i died and went to heaven. they were so good, pete is like a little kid hopped up on sugar, he was running back and forth across the stage, spinning with his bass, leaping and spinning with it, he climbed onto this light thing and jumped off of it, he jumped into the crowd for "saturday", he licked Joe's guitar (damn my shortness, i saw a video of it before, i couldn't see it because they did it on the other side of the stage), best part of the night had to have been him licking his bass, and of course i didn't get a picture of it. joe troh is the craziest boy ever, he was running back and forth, jumping on things, and he kept on coming over to my side 'cause he liked us more, lol. patrick came over to us once, which was cool. andy is an amazing drummer, he just goes crazy up there. they sounded so good, they played some of my favorites (xo, patron saint of liars and fakes, dance, dance, nobody puts baby in a corner, this ain't a scene) and they just sounded amazing.

i must say, the crowd wasn't that bad either, it was filled with a lot of older kids, like 14 and up (although there was a 9-year-old there, she was pretty hardcore, we were all protecting her so she didn't get hurt), so they weren't as crazy as the 12-year-olds at the panic! show. there was a pit going on, and pete had to bring in a professional to start a circle pit, lol.

i wanted to slap some teenies, they were like 14, 15, and they were screaming shit like "i wanna fuck you pete wentz", i wanted to say to them "i have a better chance with him since i'm 19, so shut the fuck up", these were also the same girls that didn't pay attention to lifetime 'cause of pete and andy in the wings, and they also thought that everyone in the crowd would just let them through to the front, lol.

although i'm fucking pissed at my friends that were there. i met up with two of my friends that i saw panic! with (yay for being in college and not going back to school for 2 more weeks!), and t. well after the show i went to get my coat at coat check, and my 2 friends were gonna wait for me by where we walked in, and t was gonna find them 'cause we lost her during the show. so i come upstairs after the coat check, and they weren't in there anymore because the place was kicking people out, so i figured that i'd just meet them outside after i bought my merch. well i get out there, and they all disappeared!!! i met up with t on the train because she went to get it because she didn't feel well (stupid bitch was whining the whole time, when we were waiting outside, after the show, i'm NEVER going to a concert with her again), and my other 2 friends just left me and took the train over to brooklyn. whatever, i'm not gonna stress over it.

i swear like all of si's scene kids were there. i saw a girl that i dance with, this cute boy that works at hot topic (l and i tried to make him strip at the my chem cd party, that was a fun night), my livejournal friend, mad people that i go to/went to school with, it was so weird. and 2 girls recognized me from the panic! at the disco show, that was random.

a letter, if you will

hey, great show tonight. i've been a fan since early 2004/late 2003, and i've wanted to see you, and your band for years. i was blown away tonight, you guys sounded amazing, you were so hyper; jumping off of things and going into the crowd, i had a great time. thanks for playing "xo" and "patron saint of liars and fakes", i can die happy now because those are my favorite songs. i really wish that i could write as well as you do, you're an amazing lyricist. and your blog mirrors many of my own thoughts, but you describe them in ways that i never thought that i could. i spent 6 hours freezing in the cold, and it was so worth it to see you, have you be 5 feet away from me, and make eye contact.

tonight was a night where i felt alive.

i wonder how it would be to have your arms around me, to have your lips like that, whine to have your hands gently carressing mine.

going to see fall out boy on tuesday, i can't wait! their music and pete's lyrics got me through junior year of high school, and i may actually meet them!! i don't know what i'll say, like pete is the man that essentially saved me from killing myself that year, whenever i wanted to cut i'd sit there and listen to "take this to your grave" (i'm talking about late 2003/early 2004) and sing along and feel better. and he is an amazing lyricist. i'll probably ramble and make an ass out of myself like i did when i met matt friction the other night. but i'm really looking forward to this, i've wanted to see them since junior year, and now i'm finally able to. and new found glory is opening, and i love them, i hope they play "nothing gold can stay". i really hope that fob plays some stuff off of tttyg, that cd has some of my favorite songs by them.

fasting from 3am until the show so i don't look like crap in my clandestine clothes.

v2 deleted the myspace comment that i left him. dick.

i may start mobile blogging, probably when classes start up again, it'll give me something to do in class.

when you dance all night, you're gonna be loved

r and i went to see the pink spiders, who were opening for kill hannah last night. well the show was at the bowery ballroom, and we could not find it! we walked up prince street (past the prada store, and then the other way), but we didn't walk up far enough, like we thought we did, when we really didn't, so we then walked around trying to find it, and we finally went to a cafe and asked and they told us. we went the wrong way again, lol, and then we found it! but it took us like an hour, so we missed action reaction, but that's ok. love arcade came on, they were amazing!! they're all cute, they're all my age too!! the lead singer had the best dance moves (he's better at hip-hop then we are), and the guitarist had on a shirt from delia's that I almost bought. they were so good, the lead singer was throwing water at everyone and he jumped into the crowd!!! and he kept on calling himself an asshole, it was kinda cute. i bought their cd, its quite good. and then the pink spiders came on!!! they opened and closed with my favorites- soft smoke and modern swinger!! they were so good, they sound amazing!!! matt tried getting everyone to clap, that didn't work out too well, lol. then, at the end of modern swinger, matt was throwing stuff into the crowd- guitar pics, stuff like that. well he took off his fingerless gloves and threw them into the crowd, and then he took off his black wristbands that had pink polkadots on them and flung those into the crowd, and i got one!!!! i'm still wearing it. and then kill hannah came on, i never really listened to them before, like some songs sounded familiar, but i never really listened to them, and i love them! they are great, and they have a hot bassist, lol. then, after the show i met matt friction from the pink spiders! and i took a picture with him, but the first time we tried, i accidentally left my camera on video mode, so i have a little video clip with him, and then we took the actual picture. he's so nice, he was so happy to hear about how good they were from me. and then r and i walked to the train, we were singing and acting crazy, i love doing that with her.

you're not at all what you seem

i wish i was famous for not doing anything, like jac vanek. she's everything that i'm not- gorgeous, thin, and gets with rockstars (like ryan, from panic! at the disco, but they broke up a long time ago). but i'll never be famous. i'll never make it, i'll never see my name on a broadway marquee as the female lead in the best fosse musical. i'll never make it off of this shithole of an island, i'll be stuck here as a kindergarten teacher who wishes she was famous. i'm such a waste of life.

i can't stop shoving food in my mouth, please kill me. i ate pepperoni hot pockets at 4:30am, what the fuck is wrong with me?

oh, i'm adult large once again in costumes, i'm so happy that i'm not back to being an xl (i'll never be a medium because medium costumes are not made for girls with boobs).

i never felt so alive

still up. thinking about v1 and listening to 3 days grace, so its another emo night for me.

i have so much that i want to say, but i don't know how to write it down.

so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different

tonight got really fucked up, we didn't go to times square (which i'm so pissed about 'cause i was gonna see panic! again) because e's boyfriend didn't want us to meet him at his job and then go to times square, he wanted all of us to take the 4pm ferry over to the city, and since they closed the trains we would've had to walk a lot, so we didn't go. so instead we chilled at her bf's house with his hot brothers (the one i really like is 16... i feel like a fucking pedophile for thinking that he's hot) and watched jackass 2, ate pizza, played poker, and watched jackass2 again. then we crammed 7 of us into e's little car and went to a party. we didn't know anyone there, so we all chilled together. i took a shot of southern comfort with my friends, but that was it. my problem is that once i start drinking, i won't stop, i know this. watched the ball drop, and then we went outside to call/text people (v2 actually sent me a coherent happy new years text back- which means he wasn't trashed yet, lol), and once i came back in, the song that they had on was "go on" by taking back sunday, so that's the first song that i heard this year, which makes me happy. then someone broke a chandelier, so we bounced. we went back to e's bf's house and we all hung out and hid in his older brother's room when his mom got home, lol. we burrowed under the blankets, the younger brother laid on top of us, answered random questions, watched the boys wrestle, listened to good music, and then left our friend and e's bf's older brother alone so they could hook up. we wound up hanging out in e's bf's room, watching him and his cute younger brother play chess incredibly high, lol.

i was actually flirting with e's bf's younger brother, which is something that i rarely do. like after he got e and our friend to make out, we went back to go and sit and i went to sit in his chair, which was a computer chair that rolled. when i was running to sit in it and he was pulling it away from me, and i was trying to sit, and then he yanked it out and i wound up on the floor!! but he was sooooo cute, he felt so bad, i was like awwwwwwww. i smacked him playfully and then he gave me the seat, lol. and we were talking and i went to go back downstairs and i turned back to him and said something and i totally stuck my ass out a bit.

after the ball dropped, and i was outside texting people, it felt like the perfect night, i was standing there in jeans, a long sleeved tee, a tee shirt, and socks (my shoes were in the house), and i wasn't cold at all, it was absolutely perfect. and i was standing there, and i knew that this was my night to change for the better. this time next year i will be under 100lbs, with a boyfriend, and incredibly happy.