i'm sorry for... blaming you

well we wound up not going to the bar to see the show 'cause they were like "you have to be 21 to get in", and r got in, so she was trying to get us in, and it was a whole big mess. but i'm fucking pissed because there were sooooo many people there from my graduating class (saw the quaterback, mad girls i used to chill with), and yet they wouldn't let us in!!! so we went and played pool, r was making one of the guys who i swears has a crush on me teach me how to play, the kid is a sweetie, but i like him as a friend and that's it. and then we went to e's boyfriend's friends house, it was interesting. her bf and his pals drank and we played cards, it was alright. all in all, i'm happy with my 19th, even though everything got fucked up i still had an amazing time due to my lovely friends.

i'm just annoyed because i straightened my hair and did my makeup beautifully, gold eyeshadow to complement my teal sweater and bring out my eyes, carefully applied and smudged liquid eyeline, i looked damn good, all because i thought we were going to get into the bar and i would see v1 there 'cause one of his really good friends is in a band that played there tonight, and i wanted to look good for him. i straightened my fucking hair for nothing!!

what a wonderful caritcature of intimacy

worst birthday ever. no one can come out to applebees tonight, e is in the fucking city (i am so pissed at her), r has to work, and everyone else is busy. they better come to the bar, someone needs to keep me from drinking all night (because that sounds mighty applealing right now). i'm so mad, i wish they had let me know before tonight that no one could make it.

she was fixing her face in a compact

um, kay, so i just got the best phonecall ever. it was from e, and she was out with m1, m2, and v2 (i wonder why she didn't call me...), and v2 wished me a happy birthday, and the whole time i was talking to him i had the biggest smile upon my face, that was the greatest thing to ever happen to me on my birthday.

this is the price that you pay for the loss of control

time is running out s, are you ready? are you ready to become "responsible"? thin? feel good about yourself? stop hurting yourself? this is the year that you will change, and it will be for the better. and you won't fuck up this time, now will you?

[why yes, i do like to talk about myself in the third person, and its not meant to be motivational, more like degrading because i always fuck this up.]

weighed in tonight as 170.2, so maybe i'll be under 170 in the morning.

pain... without love

well here it is, my last day of being 18. 19, it seems like such a weird age to be, i dunno. i feel like i'm finally growing up, and i'm scared to grow up, i wanna be that carefree 14-year-old again that didn't restrict and purge, or cut. that didn't have to do 6 page papers and bullshit her way through her classes. but i've realized so much this year- that i do have a problem, that i don't need certain people to be happy, that i want to become a performer, that i like singing, and that i'm closer to being happy than i've been in years. but being older brings more responsibilites, that i don't want. i don't want a real job, i really don't want to go to school, i just want to dance, write, and try to make it.

i think i'm becoming nocturnal. second night in a row that i've stayed up, and then i sleep all day. like yesterday i woke up at 5pm, what the fuck?!

i will be 168 today at weigh in. i WILL be. i want to wake up tomorrow weighing less than i did on my 18th (i was 170).

every single year i make these promises that i will somehow be 120 by the recital or my birthday. i can't make these anymore because i keep on breaking them. i just want to lose.

mmmm, old-skool fall out boy, brings back memories of junior year, they were the best thing to happen to me that year. pete's hardcore screaming/growling makes me laugh.

my camera broke, i'm so pissed.

santa baby, i've been an awful good girl

merry christmas everyone. i hope that you spend it with the ones that you love (or whomever you want) and that its wonderful. and i hope that everyone gets what and/or who they want.

baby, all i want for christmas is you.

on his face is a map of the world

from last night. i ♥ shatter me silent. it was such an amazing show, i was so excited to see them, as much as i was to see panic! over a month ago. i just sang/screamed my heart out and danced, and it was just amazing.

holy shit its christmas eve, i can't fucking believe it. it doesn't seem like it at all, maybe its because of the weather, i dunno. like i was walking around wearing my si feis hoodie (omg, its coming up in april!!) and i was so comfortable, and i'm so used to freezing my ass off this time of year.

mk meet jesse lacey last night and jesse told him that brand new will be playing more new york shows, so hopefully they'll come to my job (that would just make my life, even though i would cry during the "no-seatbelt song") soon.

most of my "friends" can't make my birthday, and yet i'm not saddened by it at all. these kids haven't spoken to me since they went away to school, except for t because she went to the show with me last night. but one of them is going to pa to become "un-gay" (lets blame his parents for that one), and another is going to fuck some random guy that she met online. t isn't sure, and y probably won't go because she's ditched us for her russian friends (they're very cliquey, i'm not being mean, but i don't like how she only speaks russian when she's with them and me, and how she drinks so fucking much when they're partying, i miss my old y). i'm kind of surprised that i'm not upset by this, i used to get so upset when they would make plans without me because i spent 3 years of high school and a year of college hanging out with them every single fucking day. i guess i finally got tired of their shit and grew up. so it'll just be me, r, e, m1 and m2, which is fine with me. i have more fun with them than with anyone else, i love those girls.

my chihuahuas are howling for no reason.

oh so, oh so tragical

tonight was the most fun that i've had in a long time. i went with a friend of mine to see some local bands perform, including a reunion of one of my favorites, and it was a night filled with craziness, turtles, obnoxious children, hot boys and singing/screaming along until i had no voice. although i do wish that i had went to a different venue instead because apparently jesse lacey of brand new was at that other venue!!!!!!! (i've been a fan of them for like 4 years) but oh well, i did have a great time, i fucking love the band that reunited, i hope that they play more shows throughout the year.

my birthday is on friday, it seems so close yet so far away. i don't want to grow up.

scatter my ashes

so the shows are over. thank god, if i had to watch that fucking candycane dance one more time i was gonna shoot someone.

cast party was fun, chilled with my lovely coworkers- perv!mind, is he jewish?, i'll sit on yoooooooooour lap- we're so weird, lol.

finishing off the christmas shopping tomorrow. yay.

you check labels more than the fcc

didn't fill in for l. she's quitting dance, i'm so upset, she is the only person that will actually have a full, fun conversation with me. i think that she got into a fight with the sluts and shit just happened.

so much drama is going on at work, someone is telling people things that they shouldn't, rumors are being spread, people are talking shit about each other, and myself and the "kids" are being blamed for mis-seatings, meanwhile we're the best, its someone else thats fucking up and we're being blamed for it. ugh, well at least there is one more show tomorrow and then we don't have a show until jan 12th.

my knee is fucked up, more than i thought it was. i need to take a 6 month break so it can heal and strengthen, but i really don't want to.

i really wanna get my snakebites done. maybe i'll do it while i'm on my 6 month break so they can heal and i can wear retainers to dance class so i don't get into trouble.

hold your breath 'cause its all you get

"i really dont like her anymore"
"does it start with a ....."
"OMGGG i know who your talking about.." (comment left on one of their profiles)
i wish i know (knew? oh fuck it) what i did to cause them to feel this way. i don't talk to anyone in class, i just sit by myself and dance when i'm supposed to. maybe that isn't about me, maybe its about someone else (yeahfuckingright)

may be filling in for l during the show, and i kind of don't want to because of these whores, but i really want to dance in it, more than anything.

pulled an all-nighter last night, for no reason at all.

we lie awake and cry

its 4:45am, i'm wide awake, listening to jamisonparker and feeling like shit. another typical night.

listening to from first to last made me feel a hell of a lot better.

i think i'll walk down to the beach tomorrow and sit there and read for an hour or so. i love being there, its so calming and peaceful, and right now i could really use some peace and calm.

i still can't fucking believe that i cut last night. haven't done it for months, and i just cracked like that.

bet you just can't keep up with fashionistas

they went to applebees last night, one of them was dumb enough to post the group pic on myspace. fucking little bitches. i hate them all. what did i do to deserve this? a group of little children hate me, and i have no idea why. what the fuck did i do??????

you slut, just fucking make out with him already, they were talking about you when you were in the dressing rooms with him.

they are a horrible group of girls, all they do is talk about each other behind each other's backs, usually i'm the one that they tell because i'm not close with anyone. but what kind of friends are they if they're always talking about each other? and why do i want to be accepted by them so badly?

you made my day today just by smiling at me and talking to me when none of those little brats would. we have to chill during the break, maybe me, you, and our friends will finish the alcohol in e's house.

the bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake

i cut myself a few hours ago for the first time in months...

i think i'm paranoid.

can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid (sit back relax, sit back relapse again)

"we'll finish this conversation at the 'bees"- a to another girl, "oh, we're going to applebees tonight?"- me, "i'm not sure"- a. if you guys are going to fucking lie to me, at least do it right, don't say shit like that and then lie straight to my face. and here is a tip- don't post a group pic from tonight on myspace, or write about it in bulletins and shit like that, that's just fucking stupid.

why the fuck do i want to be accepted by these girls so badly? they hate me, i know this, and yet i'm sitting here wanting to cry because they lied to me about tonight.

i have a myspace message written to l, ready to send about all of this shit, but i don't know if i want to send it to her or not. i'm not ready to accept the truth about this.

why the hell do i keep on getting fucked over by people that i think are my "friends"? why don't they like me, i never did anything to them. stupid little cunts.

you're gorgeous, but sweetie, smile when you dance, you look so good when you smile.

i'm not going to send that message, i don't need more emotional wounds than i have right now.

keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you

i'm going to fail my history class if i don't do this paper like tomorrow. i feel bad about lying to this professor, he's really nice and i'm just taking advantage of him. doing it tomorrow the second i get home from my spanish final.

still have to do the workbook for spanish, that's getting done on saturday before work.

i was asked why i wasn't going to the practice for the show tonight. i just lied and said i didn't know when i was supposed to be there and i had a ton of work to do so i couldn't go anyway. what i really wanted to say was "why, so i could sit there and watch my friends dance and then i have to walk around looking like a fool in that shepard costume?", they made me a shepard out of pity so i could be in the show with my friends, which is nice, but my inner child is going to come out and say this- if i can't dance, then i'm not in it. god i'm such a little bitch.

165 on the birthday. 160 would be even better, but i'll do what i can, huge goals make me crazy and i fuck up.

sleep? i have to, i'm so tired.

i know he said i'm crazy

i really need to start this paper on gandhi, i have to have it done by the time i leave for class tomorrow morning. i can't believe that this fucking this is worth 50% of the grade for that class, that's total bullshit.

got my fucking period today, while i was in spanish!! but i'm glad i got it, that explains yesterdays bizarre purge and binge, and today at work i kept on eating chips and chocolate cookies. well at least i won't have it for my birthday.

theatre final was ok, i'm pretty sure that i passed it. it was a lot easier than i thought it would be

i fucking love this video, its hysterical. my dance class got rescheduled to tonight and a bunch of us started quoting it, we were screaming "shun the non-believer. shun, SHUUUUUUUUUUN!!!", lol, it was great.


i can't wait for this semester to be over.

i need to be at a lw on costume measurement day. i need to be.

your name is cheap

life is so short. mk's dad died, e and i went to the wake. i almost cried, mk looked so sad, all we could do was hug him, there wasn't a thing that we could say to make him feel better. it made me think of how short life is, his dad was only 54, you really have to live each day to the fullest.

on that note, i purged for the first time in months. and then i ate ice cream and a 100 calorie pack, god, i'm so fucked up. and i just ate a roll with light mayo on it, what the fuck is going on?? and i actually like the "high" i get from purging, its not as hard to do as it used to be, this is baaaaaaad.

i feel like a fucking spoiled brat. my parents give me everything that i ask for, i'm going to be 19 and they still support me, meanwhile e now has to pay her parents rent, and her and r pay for everything themselves- cell phone, rent, insurance, ect while i pay for shit. and e is giving me a fucking coach bag for christmas... i feel like a horrible person. i can drop $200 on a bag without blinking an eye meanwhile this bag is like a whole paycheck.

its like sometimes all i want for christmas is to be happy. and happy, to me is to be 159 and have a boy. like that'll ever happen. i'm happy, but 80% of the time i'm just so depressed, and i think that maybe, just maybe if i'm at a healthy weight and have a boy that loves and respects me and that i can talk to about everything and not have any repercussions.

tonight is the night that i stay up late and do all of my spanish work that's been piling up all semester, study for my 2 finals and do a paper. can i do this? will i actually accomplish this? we'll see.

you can cry all you want to, i don't care how much

not in the show. v2 and i were talking and i suggested that i replaced this girl that got kicked out of the show because she didn't know the dance. so he gave me a spot in the new part and all we had to do was tell the owner of the school about this change. we're practicing and the owner of our school (no name because, um yeah, don't wanna get in trouble) watched us and she was yelling at us about things like timing (mine) and we're doing the dance for the like 8th time and she looks at me and goes "oh why am i getting so worked up? you're not in the show!" and i just... i dunno. i wanted to cry, i was full of jealousy and rage. i wanted to slit my wrists and cry. but at the same time, i was also relieved that i won't have to go through the stress of a show and practices during finals. but i really want to do the show, i want people to be like "omg, you're amazing". being told that i'm not in it just makes me feel like shit, like i'm the worst dancer ever. dancing is the only thing that i love, and being told that my timing is awful, i'm too stiff, it kills me. i almost started crying and i really wanted to find a pair of scissors and cut. old habits die hard.

oh here it goes again

fuck. its junior year all over again. when r and i were juniors, she tried committing suicide for the 4th time and she was sent to the psych ward for a few days, this happened two different times in less than a month. the first time was on october 17th, it was the day before the psat and we were at sing practice and she was pressing a knife into her arm. no cuts, just indentations and it scared the shit out of me. she was going to kill herself that night, and that night i called her and just cried into her voicemail and i told her that if she did it, then so would i because i can't live without her. this was one of the causes of my cutting. her mom took her to the hospital, she was put on anti-depressants, taken off of them that may, and she's been fine until a few months ago. i went onto her myspace before and she posted a blog, and it was written i guess as a battle of her subconscious and how she wants to kill herself and how her ex, her boy, her fucked up family, and her little stepbrother affect her. and at the end of the blog, she decides to shoot herself. i read this and i got so fucking scared. the memories of that horrible day and night of junior year came flooding back. i can't go through this again, i'm not strong enough to. i don't think i can save her this time, i don't think i can even save myself if she actually goes through with it. i can't go through this again, it broke me so much last time, it was a fucking nightmare full of blood and hopelessness. i'm just so scared of what's going to happen, i love her more than anything, she's one of the few people that i can be myself around, that i can feel sane around, and i can't lose her, i just can't.

fuck, i'm crying. i can't do this again, i'll be the one in the fucking psych ward if i have to go through this again.

whispers "hello, i missed you quite terribly"

i really should be asleep right now.

working tomorrow night, yes, i need money.

finally finished that goddamned spanish project. i rock. it has some amazing background music from the nutcracker.

christmas lessons start tomorrow, and then no dance for awhile, which sucks.

i need to go to sleep.

and when your heart stops beating, i'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserved?

i want to post a picture of myself really badly, give you the face behind these senseless ramblings, but i can't, then my secrets will be exposed and i will be royally fucked. so this is all that you get for now- an eye.

i want a coin operated boy

'sup boredom. i bought some more chuck palahniuk books today, can't wait to start reading them.

was that you sleeping on the couch in the library? i wanted to see if it was you, but i was afraid to. you're the reason why i sit in the library reading my chuck palahniuk books, i watch you out of the corner of my eye. oh god i'm a fucking stalker.

j is now being stalked by one of the republican boys from the other night, i feel bad for her.

i feel like i'll never go anywhere in life, i feel so hopeless. i've gotten so fucking lazy, i have all these papers to write and that fucking spanish project to do, and i just don't do them.

my ovary huuuuuuuuuuuurts. goddamn pcos.

i never thought that i'd live to see my 19th birthday. i doubted that i would see 17, and 2 years later i'm still afraid to keep on living. i almost cut myself today, but i stopped myself.

i may be dancing in the christmas show, a girl in the show doesn't know the store-clerk dance and if she gets kicked out of the show by v2, then it messes up the groups that he made, so i'll probably replace her. i'm happy, i hate watching the show every year and not be in it because of stupid shit (last 2 years- school, this year- my timing).

Finish the sentences:
1. I've come to realize that... i've lost all hope
2. I am listening to... "backstabber"- dresden dolls
3. I talk to... my bests.
4. I love... him.
5. My best friend(s)... are the only people that understand me.
7. I lost... my happiness
8. I hate it when people... are assholes.
9. Love is... something that i will never experience because no guy will ever love me.
10. Marriage is... a fraud.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about purging their food (i actually want to right now).
12. I'll always be... a fat loser.
13. I have a crush on... him.
14. The last time I cried was because... i was listening to sad songs and being overwhelmed by emotion.
15. My cell phone... is a cameraphone.
16. When I wake up in the morning... i wish that i didn't wake up.
17. Before I go to sleep at night... i think about him.
18. Right now I am thinking about... the pain in my ovary.
19. Babies are... adorable, and i hope to teach them someday.
20. I get on myspace... every single fucking day.
21. Today I... went to class.
22. Tonight I will... do some work.
23. Tomorrow I will... go to ballet.
24. I really want... someone to love who loves me in return
25. The person who's most likely to repost this is... someone that i don't know.

tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campagin

I really like this (I didn't write it):
"Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of whiskey & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here's to the kids who care more about the music then the haircuts. Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush. Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart.. from someone who didn't even know they existed. Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being A Wall Flower & didn't feel so alone after doing so. Here's to the kids who spend their days in photo booths with their best friend(s). Here's to the kids who are straight up smart asses & just don't care. Here's to the kids who speak their mind. Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here's to the kids who second-guess themselves on everything they do. Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids."

gala was ok, we were very disorganized, no one knew where to go, someone had counterfeit tickets, and i got yelled at for chatting. we had our own party, and then i went out with my friend and some of the volunteers, and the volunteers are all members of the young republicans. its fucking scary being the only democrat at a table full of republicans, but i didn't tell them that i was one because i know shit about politics. and one of the guys was really cute, he drove a few of us home, i'm trying to find him on myspace or facebook now. liberal and a conservative, that would be an interesting relationship.

i left my fucking paycheck in a program that i gave to my manager, i'm an ass.

(right arm- written with my left hand, I'm cool)


















(left arm)

i am not afraid to walk this world alone

it was 70 degrees today, what the fuck??

according to the fdny, i can now escort people out of a building if it catches fire and i can put fires out (with an extinguisher), whoo.

so behind in spanish, its not even funny. i need to do this draft in spanish like now. i feel bad lying to this professor, but i have to so i don't fail.

i need more chuck palahniuk books. now.

gala tomorrow night. shoot me.

i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. i think he's flirting with me.

that razor is looking pretty fucking tempting.

he's sending me a poem...oh dear lord it sucks.

there is no way in hell he's seeing any of mine.

have some composure, where is your posture?

i think i'm about to break someone's heart.

oh good, he just asked me about hanging out. but i have no free time now, so i told him we would after christmas. maybe he'll forget about me by then. god, i'm such a hypocritical bitch, i'm fucking stalking v1 and then when a really sweet kid wants to chill with me i turn him down because i know i'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. i'm a fucking mess and i need to sort myself out before i get involved with someone. unless that someone is a mess like i am, although i don't think that would be good for either of us.

god i feel like a fucking bitch. he's so nice, and yet... i dunno. fuck. i may sign off now just so i can stop talking to him and not feel like a heartless bitch.

i need severe help.

i'm getting the urge to self inflict again, this time i want to burn myself with my hairstraightener because it has like comb teeth and i could dig them into my skin and just burn myself. oh god i need help.

save me.

i feel like i'm going to cry.

now come one, come all to this tragic affair

did you notice me at school today? i most certainly noticed you.

deaddeaddeaddead.

relax, relapse again.

diary is such a great book. i read it during my india class instead of watching some movie today. ok, well i paid attention to the movie, its subtitled so whenever someone spoke i glanced up to see what they were saying. but its fucking amazing, palahniuk is a great author, i need to read more of his books. (and i've wanted to read his books for years, before i started listening to panic!)

winter is finally here. this is my favorite time of year, everything is dead, dark, and dreary, i love it. the sky looked perfect, pure white, no imperfections, and the cold was sharp, but not bitter. just cold enough to let me know that i'm still here.

so what if you could see, the dark inside of me?

this afternoon was fun, e and i chilled, i ate dinner with her family, it was nice. i'm so happy that she now has a guy, but i hate being the only single one because then i just stay at home, whenever everyone has boyfriends, they never call me or hang out with me.

help me through this nightmare.

you get my teen heart beating faster

nobody likes you, everyone left you, they're all out without you having fun

i can barely keep my eyes open, i feel like i'm going to pass out.

ok, so i added a 29 year old on myspace, i was being nice, and its always fun to have new friends, and he's fucking hitting on me. he's ugly as hell and far too old for me. and he wants to meet me. hell fucking no!!! i did that once, that guy was so weird, and i vowed to never do it again. this guy wants a relationship, and i'm 10 years younger than him, that's just... gross! he should find someone his own age, if he wants to hook up with someone that's not even 19, there is something wrong with him. like if he was maybe 26, 27 (and good looking), i'd be ok with this, but he's 29. i need to block him on aim, i forgot to do that before, he's obsessed with the internet, and he was asking me about livejournal, which i do have, but i'm not giving it to him, so i gave him a bullshit excuse of i stopped updating it and he was all like "why don't you update it?" so i just said it contained a very dark period of my life, which included a suicidal best friend and he wanted me to go into fucking detail. and he got annoyed when i wouldn't!! asshole.

fuck, i forgot what i was going to say. oh, i began drawing again. just some simple traces, but it feels so good to do this, maybe tomorrow i'll actually draw something.

a long night spent with your most obvious weakness

i wrote this on september 18, 2003 for my english class. this was right before i began cutting.

"cut"
i need a release, an escape
Something to help me get out of this place
i slide a blade across my wrist because you make me feel like i’m going to choke
with just one cut, just one stroke
i’m leaving this world
i lay down on your bed, and into a ball i curled
there is blood everywhere, making a mess
that fact to you, i must confess
i love you, but now i’m gone
i’m sorry for what i’ve done
forgive?

i know it was supposed to follow a rhythmic pattern, but i don't remember what kind. i kind of like this, but i think if i wrote it now, it would've been different. i can't believe i gave this to my english teacher, that was so fucking stupid. but she never said anything about the subject or told a thing to my parents even though this poem was a total cry for help.

i'll strike a violent pose

so once again i'm the only single one. e and r now have boys, and what do i have? a chihuahua that i have full one-sided conversations with. i'm such a loser.

did about 1500 cals today, drank 2 different things of starbucks, had pretzels, and some fried food that my mom got 'cause she picked up dinner. i did go to the gym, and walk around the mall. before i ate the fried stuff i was 167/168, so i should wake up as that, which is ok. for the gala i'd like to be 161, which was my lowest weight of the year. i don't know if that will happen, i do hope that it does.

tomorrow i'm chilling with e, we're going to the gym and hanging out after, which should be fun, i haven't seen her in forever.

a kiss before she goes

picked up diary by chuck palahniuk, i began reading it on the bus on the way home from the mall. i miss getting lost in a good book, and this book is absolutely amazing. and listening to panic! while reading it made it even better because i could see where ryan ross gets his ideas from (some of the songs are based on palahniuk's novels).

i think i'm gonna start carrying around a notebook to jot down random thoughts. i had so much stuff running through my mind today, like "this smell is making me nauseous. its like a cross between something sweet, and something sour. but its somehow familiar, somewhat comforting.", and i wish i remembered more so i could write it on here.

its sad that i need to spend money to see a guy that i think is cute. wow, that just sounded like i go to a strip club, lol.

gala on saturday, i'm excited. i need to be good with food this week. i have to be. i need to feel pretty in that dress.

i like my loneliness

another late night filled with dangerous thoughts and frivolous dreams.

went to church tonight, i say the words but i don't believe any of them. i'm not sure about what i believe [the best part of believe is the lie] in anymore.

my body is dead but my mind is alive. won't you please find my off button and shut me down?

i'm a half-completed crossword

supposedly, these are some of the new panic! at the disco lyrics that ryan ross is writing for the new record. if these are really his, then i'm so happy. (titles are in quotes)

"A minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection"

I'm a half-completed crossword
Find your school: city state search
Oh look! Oh look! She's become a model now
Crash her wedding, she's wearing red shoes
but she hasn't a thing to wear
I'm a fighting man, but I've no hands
But if you like, I guess, I mean, I guess I could tie the boxing gloves on anyway
One boxing match in the church baby, a shotgun wedding
With boxing gloves instead of a shotgun, baby


"Matrimony is Paving the Way for Preplanned Alchemy"

As the rain falls, my umbrella doesn't always work
drip drop drip drop splish splashing in my brain
It's a flood honey, a real mach five
Oh dear, I fear a dreadful drizzle my dear
It's time to fly south with the mice
Dripping dripping dripping in my Sunday morning tea
One lump or two? How do you do? It's the monopoly guy
These mice aren't blind, baby, but I guess they don't see the light
But you know, maybe it's just dark or something baby, I don't know
It could be the wool pulled over their eyes
by father time or a gardening bird
I like to write but my hands aren't working for me
I've just created the unabated understatement of the century
It could be the wool pulled over my eyes
but that's just a refrain


this boy is a fucking lyrical genius.

i think i'm going to try to start drawing again. i used to be good at it in middle school, of course we would trace pictures of people, but it was cool. first pic would be a tracing of the picture, second would be half-traced and drawn, and the third would be completely drawn, mine used to come out so good. and i used to be pretty good at it back in high school too, but i need to work on drawing people, that's something that can definitley be improved upon.

teenagers scare the living shit outta me

i found this on my lj when i was just looking through old entries, its a survey of what i want my perfect guy to be like, i tweaked it a bit (it was written in june 2005, the end of my senior year).

1. GORGEOUS eyes; either green, blue or some shade between the two. or bright honey brown, ommmmmmmmmg.
2. blonde or brown hair, slightly shaggy or in a faux-hawk (they can be so hot on the right guy), or bedhead works too!
3. very understanding of me and my love of dance and how it will always be an important thing in my life
4. taller than me
5. doesn't laugh at me when i tell him that i'm an irish step dancer
6. doesn't protest when I drag him to feisannas (irish step competitions)
7. treats me with love and respect
8. loves animals
9. will give me his sweatshirt to wear just in case, even if I tell him that I'm not too cold.
10. will talk to me at 3am about the silliest things
11. is WAY into music.
12. plays an instrument. i don't care what instrument - whether it be piano, guitar, drums, or even a kazoo. he's just got to be dedicated to playing SOMETHING.
13. will go to concerts with me and help me get to the front so i can see.
14. isn't very judgemental, but still knows the difference between right and wrong and stands by his beliefs.
15. always tells me the truth- no matter how harsh it may be
16. will do anything to make me laugh.
17. tells me to shut up when i start plotting things
18. won't ever break my heart.
19. will be able to sit with me in complete silence without the silence being awkward.
20. will help me follow my dreams and never give up on me.

i'm so optimistic.

no one cares to talk about it

another night of myspacing and browsing livejournal, oh yes, i'm so productive.

my itunes keeps on skipping, what the fuck????? ugh, this is so annoying.

dinner was ok, i'm gonna say i ate around 1000, give or take.

i think i'll go out tomorrow and just walk along the boardwalk, i need to get out of this house. if its raining/snowing, then that will be even better because the water looks so beautiful during a storm.

i hope that we all chill at e's tomorrow night, and that v2 comes over, so we can set things on fire and get drunk. watch him be all like omg when he sees me drinking my vodka and diet peach snapple, lol.

i got a myspace message from a 17-year-old saying "has't any body told u look like a angle from heaven", i'm tempted to send one back saying "has anyone told you that you're fucking retarded", or something witty, because seriously, angle????? wow, its amazing that some kids are passing their classes.

the new brand new cd is amazing. i've been listening to them for 4 years (before "sic transit" came out), and they get better with each cd.

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

i fucking hate this holiday. it no longer really means anything, it has just become an excuse for people to eat until they fall into a turkey-induced coma.

fasting till dinner, just 3 more hours. i can do this.

there are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses

yes, winter is almost here. i was waiting for the bus today (the fucking s61 that never comes on time), and the sky looked like it was about to snow, it was different shades of grey and white, it was gorgeous. and then it began raining, and the rain was ice cold, and feeling that rain hit my face just kept me grounded.

i think that i just wrote the most kickass paper ever.

no webster hall tonight due to e being sick. again.

i just realized that its 2:18am. i really need to fix my sleeping pattern.

considering going to the mall on black friday for some reason. i know mk is working, so i'll visit him, and i'll probably go and see if v1 is working, maybe i'll ask him about his classes for next semester.

be thankful for what you have, and remember, no matter how much your life may suck, there will always be someone whose life is worse than yours.

and i can see right down, to the bone

sin city is an amazing movie. its beautiful in its own way. i love the dialogue and of course, the violence.

i just realized that many of cute is what we aim for's lyrics have to deal with bones, the body, calories, ect. just a late-night observation.

a week ago tonight my world changed forever. when ryan ross made eye contact with me it was like wow, his gorgeous brown eyes seemed to look into my soul and see everything that i try to hide.

restitch my ripped jeans

i love the cold, it makes me feel so real, so alive.

i say shotgun, you say wedding

i really should do this spanish work. i'm so fucking behind, i've barely handed in any work all semester.

my father was threatening to beat my brother before. god, i just fucking love my family.

sometimes i want to recover, sometimes i binge, and sometimes i fast. i can't make up my mind anymore.

a guy i used to have a major crush on back in the day is on myspace now, talking to e. its funny that i used to like stalk him, we were actually pretty good friends until i wrote him this letter about how i wanted him to go to the 8th grade prom with me, its one of the biggest mistakes that i've ever made. i want to send him a friend request, just to be nice, but i don't know if that would be weird or not. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.

city on wednesday night, i'm excited. i'll probably fast tomorrow and wednesday just so i feel good about myself.

i submitted this to a music secret community on livejournal:
every word of it is true. his genius is partly what inspired me to start writing more eloquently, to write that poem (i haven't written poetry in years), to create dances with tricks and turns that need me to push myself to be able to do them. he just inspires me. and those eyes. it looks like there is something hidden behind them, and i want to know what that is.

i'm ready so don't stop me now

i guess you could consider this to be a poem.

"ready?" by s
backstage with you, watching the current act
my nerves are building, hands are shaking.
you smile at me and tell me it will be fine,
then their music stops and the curtain drops. you push me onstage, i shoot you a glance, and you know all.
know that i'm not ready for this, that i'm fucking terrified.
the curtain begins to go up, and my music starts, and you look and me and smile.
that smile gives me confidence.
its time to do this.
jump kick. chassé batu turn. turn turn turn. tendu prepare turn one, fouetté two, three four, land that fucking double. finish it off. chassé grand jeté. tour jeté. eyes up, knees straight, legs high, land it. chassé stag leap split, roll through. hit out roll through center split. fuck that hurts, just smile, its almost over. kick balchange step ponché get on the floor. push legs out, in. slide, get up, step développé, hold it there.
music stops.
i see you at the side of the stage, with those brown eyes and that smile, and i know that in your eyes, i succeeded. and that's all i need.

&now i'm of consenting age, to be forgetting you in a cabaret

can't wait until my birthday, its going to be a weekend of non-stop partying because its on a friday, and then new year's eve is 2 days after so that weekend is going be fucking insane.

ever since i decided my new goal in life; to be a dancer for panic! at the disco, i've been pushing myself even more. like in hip-hop i was being maaaaaaaad gangsta, i was actually into it, rather than kind of doing it half-assed. same thing with everything else, i know that i need to get my ass on pointe in ballet soon before its too late, so i'm pushing myself even more (my side developpe is now past my shoulder, which is a vast improvement from last year where it was only hip high), i'm concentrating so much on my balance its getting better, i now know that if i want to dance on their next tour, i need to improve now.

and my dad said that he'll pay for acting lessons and get me an agent (he knows someone that knows one) so i can get somewhere, so yes, things are looking up.

no road trip tomorrow, r and i have too much crap to do for school. oh well, at least i have my friend's pictures and videos from the show, and my videos, pictures, and recordings of the show so i can watch those. omg, i didn't even know that i recorded my absolute favorite p!atd song "build god, then we'll talk", it came out so well, i can hear brendon perfectly, i'm so happy that i have that!!!!

i hate my job, but tonights show was fucking hysterical.

tell me that you're alright

i've been up all fucking night. my mind just can't settle, first i'm re-living the parts of the concert that i saw, then i start thinking about this weekend, and then next wednesday, because i have so much stuff coming up, the work i have to do for spanish (i'm so behind, its not even funny), i just can't seem to close my eyes and fall asleep.

i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

possible road trip to philly on sunday with r to see panic! at the disco again, i'm excited. i wish there was a way to meet them, not to go all fangirl on them, but to tell them that they're amazing and that ryan is a wonderful writer (i used to write a lot when i was in high school, so i know what i'm talking about) , and that they inspire me to come up with cool dances (like mine to "i write sins, not tragedies" is ballet, and if i was on pointe, the whole thing would be on pointe, it would look so cool!). i wish one of the guys read my blog, then they'd know that not all of their fans are crazy, i respect them and admire them as artists and performers.

my parents said that they'd pay for acting classes and an agent, i'm so close to broadway. i just need to lose more weight. even if i dance for panic! (which as of last night, is my new goal in life), i would be so happy, but i'd still have to lose weight because their dancers were in bras and stuff.

its official, i'm broke. but it was all worth it to see panic! and i bought my box set today, i'm listening to "intermission" right now, re-living last night, when brendon played this there was a guy on stilts dancing onstage, it was really cool. i want to do a ballet dance to this song.

they should come to my job, then i know i'd be begging them to dance when they play "build god, then we'll talk", and i'd so rock that stage. of course the dance is comprised of my own stuff, a mix of everything- tap, jazz, ballet, and trademark dances from my school, maybe even part of the "sexyback" dance (we dance on chairs, its quite fosse), and i'll be running back and forth changing shoes (character to jazz), but it would be so worth it if i'm sharing the stage with p!atd.

oh man, our car song just came on!!!! i lost my voice last night when i screamed whore at the beginning. oh, and brendon is so cute, during "there's a good reason these tables are numbered honey, you just haven't thought of it yet", when he goes "and to them you look like shhh" we all screamed "SHIT!" and he had the cutest look of shock upon his face.

sleep sounds good right now.

and keep telling yourself that "i'm a diva!"

i had an amazing night. i somehow got a ticket online today, i checked ticketmaster after i got home, and they had ga tickets on sale again, so i got it!!!!! the show was simply amazing. plain white t's opened, i want to have tim's babies, lol. they were so good!!! tim sang "hey there delilah", i was one of the few people that knew all of the words, and i almost started crying during it. then jack's mannequin came on. i've waited so long to see them, and they put on such a good show, andrew is like a 5 year old hopped up on sugar. like at the end (last song was "mfeo") he stood up on his piano and was stepping on the keys, lol. and they played "bruised", i started to lose my voice during it, but i danced and sang every single word, i knew every word to every song. and then panic! at the disco came on, and that's a whole other story that's being typed up in a bit.

so panic was amazing. they had such a great set, i was impressed by the dancers, especially the ballerina en pointe, she was wonderful. the guys sounded great, brendon is so theatrical, its so cute!!! they sang all of their songs and covered "lonely people" by the beatles and "killer queen" by queen!!!!!!!!!!!!! and their drumline was fucking amazing, they're so talented!!! Especially Brendon with his little dance, I was laughing so much, but he's actually a good dancer (although I did yell out "Shake it Brendon, lol). the intermission was so cool, it was just bden sitting at the piano playing "intermission" while a guy danced on stilts, and during "killer queen" bden and ryan began to play each other's guitars, and bden got on his kness in front of ryan twice during "i write sins, not tragedies"!!!! and i have it on video :D. and bden lifted up his shirt a bit during "lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off", and the way he introduced that song was so hot. bden started it off with "this is a song about a dream, a romantic one with a perfect, passionate kiss, no its not, its about good hard fucking!" (may not be the exact quote), and while he was saying the part about a kiss, he walked over to ryan and stroked his face and they went to kiss, but they didn't and ryan just grinned at him and flipped his hair (I wish I had a picture). bden was so cute during "lonely people", he just sat on the stage and sang, i wanted to give him a hug. i loved their makeup, ryan is quite skilled at it, and their costumes were so cool, they fit well with the set. and i like that they changed costumes, because then they looked even better. they played all of my favorite songs, and i was just in heaven. i sang as loud as i could during "i write sins, not tragedies" because that is mine, e's, and m's car song because its always on when we're on an adventure, and i made sure to scream out whore. i also sang loud during "time to dance" (favorite p!atd song) and "build god, then we'll talk" (2nd favorite), but i couldn't do my dance to it, i had no room. and i love how bden hits that high note when he sings "just stay where i can see you douse the liiiiiiiiiiiights", it sounds perfect and it fits so well with the song which was "i constantly thank god for esteban". i danced as much as i could, i was surrounded by 15-year-olds that were taller than me. i also couldn't see much for part of the show, which sucked because i was stuck behind tall people. but i got some great pictures and video, and ryan ross made eye contact with me, i can die a happy girl.

darling dear, get a grip

i'm a mess of jumbled thoughts and dreams.

saw v1 today on campus, he has the most beautiful smile. every time i see him i want to start doing grand jetes and leaps, he just makes me so happy.

procrastinating again. i have a shitload of overdue spanish work (i may just do the workbook and tell her i can't get the lab to work), 3 chapters and a project outline, and i have to read stuff for theatre. and i have to do a review sheet for my spanish class and come up with a good essay (its about going to manhattan, yay!!). you think that i would learn by now, but noooooooo, i haven't.

no show tomorrow, the only seats left are the ones up in guam, like row y on the left and right sides of the stage, and since i work at a fucking theatre, i know i won't be able to see from there. oh well. they seriously need to come to the theatre that i work at, that would be awesome.

i've got the gift of one liners

i found this while browsing random blogs on here, it seems interesting.
use only ONE word to describe yourself:
1. Yourself: sad
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend: nonexistent
3. Your hair?: messy
4. Your mother?: rocks
5. Your Father?: asshole
6. Your Favorite Item: ipod
7. Your dream last night: weird
8. Your Favorite drink: mocha
9. Your Dream Car: bug
10. The Room You Are In: living
12. Your fear: myself
13. What do you want to be in 10 years: happy
14. Who hung out with you last night?: chihuahuas
15. What You're Not?: complete
16. Muffins: blueberry
17: One of Your Wish List Items: speedy30
18: Time: 11:12pm
19. The Last Thing You Did: typed
20. What You Are Wearing: pajamas
21. Your Favorite Weather: gloomy
22. Your Favorite Book: hp
23. The Last Thing You Ate: mcdonald's
24. Your Life: disaster
25. Your Mood: emo
26. Your body: drained
27. Who are you thinking about right now? v1

come down, and waste away with me

my day was going so well, until i found out that i'm $10 short of buying a ticket to see panic! at the disco tomorrow night, and i can't even use my mom's credit card because for will call the cardholder has to come to the box office, and i don't wanna do that to her. well now the general admission tickets sold out, now all i can hope is that the other tickets don't sell out, i really want to go!!! my mom is going to give me money to put in my bank account so i can buy my ticket. i'm going to call msg in the morning to see if any ga tickets magically appeared, and if not, then i'll buy what's availible. i'm so pissed, i love p!atd, they appeal to the performer in me, they're absolutely amazing, and now i can't be against the barricade with my friends that have ga tickets, having an amazing time.

edit (10:47pm): i really don't care, things just don't want to go my way, ever. all day long i've had the urge to cut for the first time in months, and i binged on the randomest things. what a fucking day.

i wrote a long entry during my history of india class today, maybe i'll type it up later.

just close your eyes, everything will be okay

i feel like an old rag doll. floppy. all over the place. held together at the seams by just a few threads that seem like they will snap at any second.

what i want in a boy
sense of humor
love of the macabre
understanding
fashion sense
much taller than me
skinny
love of good music
one with a cute ghetto booty
eyes that i can get lost in
and most importantly- one that has a way with words
i'm sure there is more, i'm just too dead to think of the rest.

i want to go for a walk outside in the rain. just around my block, maybe the neighborhood. maybe i'll dance in the middle of one of the busiest streets on si because its dead this time of night. however, i can't because my dogs would bark when i leave and come back and i can't risk my father knowing that i snuck out.

admist all of the gloomy weather, there is still a perfect pink rose on one of my grandmother's rosebushes. it seemed to be like a fighter, blooming now when the rest of them are dying. it looked so perfect, with raindrops perfectly placed on its petals, against the grey backdrop that is the sky. its like no matter how dark and gloomy everything may seem, there will always be something beautiful and perfect waiting.

so paint it black and take it back, let's shout it loud and clear

i can't believe i'm going to be 19 in a little over a month. december 29th. another year closer to my death. i'm going to be a 19-year-old virgin with no experience with guys, isn't that wonderful? god, i sound so fucking bitter. its so scary to get old, i still wish i could be 5 years old again, when my biggest worry was "do barbie's shoes match?" not "how can i pass this class with a decent grade?". how did we let ourselves get like this? obsessing over things like grades, designer clothes, boys, cars, silly drama. i love those nights where we just hang out and talk, play cards, set things on fire, and ocassionally drink (although i don't think that me+fire+alcohol would be a very good combination), its like we're without a care in the world. then someone gets sick and almost sets themselves on fire, or drama occurs and then everything goes back to "normal".

dance with me through this rain

stayed up for most of the night, passed out for like 20 minutes because my mom was up and i didn't want her to be like "why are you up?". watched the rest of the sunrise after my mom went to work. it was different this morning, the world looked dead. the light blue sky looked like a bruise, the trees with almost no leaves on them were losing the rest of their leaves and they were rustling about. the world was covered in a fog, a blanket covering up all of the secrets. the world looked empty, dead, and cold, like me. and yet it was still beautiful.

i say i want a boy who understands me, and yet i can't let anyone in.

she keeps on asking "do you think it hurts much to die?"

can't sleep. been up all fucking night reading band slash like a fucking desparate 15-year-old and listening to my ipod, crying when "chloroform perfume" by from autumn to ashes came on.

i need to find the boy that knows how i feel, that knows what it feels like to be so hopeless, lost, and broken. where the hell is he?

i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

oh dear lord i'm in so much pain. fucking ovarian cyst.

i almost spilled water on my laptop. i'm a dick.

i wish i was just happy. happy with my body, with people, with school, with life. i wish i was just at a healthy weight and had even boobs. i wish i had friends that i could tell everything to without them running to my parents. i wish i had a boy that understood me. a tall, skinny, tan, bony, gorgeous boy that knows how i feel.

without you is how i disappear

that asshole doesn't know my name, lol. and i love l- "i'm going to kick you!", lol, i always miss the fun.

i want to go to the mall tomorrow, but i have no cash, i have like $40 (not even) to my name.

i'm going back into my shell, i was doing so well, but now i'm shyer than i've ever been.

she won't give warning, she knew that her life had passed her by

all i do is procrastinate. i'm going to have a shitty average because i'm so fucking lazy. i have to do an outline for my spanish project and instead of doing it, i'm watching incubus videos and blogging. but its okay because brandon boyd is fucking gorgeous. you know, v1 actually got me into them, he used to wear an incubus shirt and since i wanted him to like me i started getting into rock, so he's partly responsible for who i am today.

168.8- still high, but much better than last week. the 24-hour fasts seem to be working well, i eat dinner around the same time every day so that helps me keep on a schedule.

i'm officially an education major and a dance minor. but my schedule for next year sucks because there is only one section of each dance class so i need to make that one class fit into my schedule, and now i go in every day, i can't go to ballet because i have choreography during it, and i have a 2 hour break on mondays. oh well.

sometimes i wish he would stumble upon this.

its just a lyrical lie, made up in my mind

fast. eat dinner. fast. eat dinner. repeat until the gala.

it better fucking work, i'm going to bash my skull into a wall if it doesn't.

my bones are finally starting to come back. and i wore my hollister khakis today, they make me feel confident for some reason.

81 on the theatre history midterm. kickass.

"the imagery doesn't fit."

and this is how i disappear

"my neat little world of lies is crumbling all around me, and i can't tell a soul."- dexter (i fixed the quote)
its my new favorite show, when he said that my jaw just dropped because its so true for me. happened to me once, worst week of my fucking life. and just watching him try to fix everything, cover his tracks, i could relate.

weight is better, fucking period made me balloon, now i'm 166ish, which is better, but i'd like to get to my lw of 157 for the gala.

i hate school, i want this semester to be over already! my favorite class is actually math, which is a shock!

listless, that's how i feel. inhuman. detatched. fucked up.

"Sometimes the days spent all by myself in my head are the scariest."- Pete Wentz
so true.

lost and broken, hopeless and lonely

i don't want to do my work at all. i'm so fucking lazy, its like i expect to get an a without doing any work, and i have to do a bunch of shit for theatre class.

173.8, once again, i'm a fat fuck, i gained 9.2 lbs in just a month. and i have a month to lose it all for the gala so i look decent in my dress, i have to because v2 will be there again. (last year his brother kept on looking down my dress, little perv)

i just feel so lost, so sick of it all, i want to just.... i dunno.

when i was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band. he said, "son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?" he said, "will you defeat them, your deamons, and all the non-believers, and the plans that they have made? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom to lead you in the summer to join the BLACK PARADE."

i'll carry on. i hope.

i don't love you like i did yesterday

i <3 halloween, i get to do what i do everyday- pretend to be something i'm not, but since it was halloween, it made that extra special (i don't think that sentence made sense).

saw 3 is a bad movie for a "recovered" cutter to see. very very bad. very triggering.

i'm so lost.

gained like crazy, shoot me.

why is v1 always on my mind? he doesn't like me, no one does. i have no real friendships, everyone hates me, i don't know how to socialize and talk to people, its so hard for me, so what makes me think that he will like me??

i've seen love die way too many times

r broke up with a, she's miserable now. i don't know what to say to her because i've never been in a relationship, so i'm just trying to help her as much as i can. but she started drinking, i'm worried.

didn't go to the concert today because i have a stomach thing, and i may not go to dance if i still feel like shit.

rocky horror was the shit, it was fucking amazing, i loved it.

my chem listening party was cool, the cd is the best, but frank didn't come because no one really stayed to meet him except for me, l, and her friend. after that i went out with e and m, we went to a lounge, saw a cover band full of hot guys, ran into mk and chilled with him, it was a good night.

dexter is my new favorite show. for some reason i can really identify with dexter, always pretending to be something i'm not, pretending to smile, why can i identify with a serial killer?

get back, back, back to the disaster, my hearts beating faster

m is 18, i've known her since she was 3 because of dance, its amazing how fast we all "grew up".

i tripped over my laptop's power cord before, and now its acting funny. damnit.

maybe shopping in jersey tomorrow, yay.

and ignore what you saw on "true life: i'm a staten island girl", we're not all like that.

i thought i had something worth saying, but i don't.

mcr show on tuesday, rocky horror picture show on saturday night, and mcr listening party on friday, and somewhere between all that i'm going to see nightmare before christmas 3-d, it looks to be a good weekend.

listen to my voice it's my disguise

its so fucking cold out, and its raining too.

went to the mall, intending to pre-order the new mcr cd, and as i was walking, i saw v1. i looked at the floor and he didn't see me and i kept on walking. i wanted to start grand jetéing throughout the mall because i was so happy to see him. so after pre-ordering, i walked around the mall trying to find out where he works, and also if mk was working (i wanted to bother him, lol). its official- i'm a stalker.

i also passed my spanish test- my professor looked over my exam and she had this look of utter joy upon her face and she told me i definitley got a good grade. but i don't know about theater history, i'm worried about it. but as long as i pass it, i'm happy.

times square can't shine as bright as you

i'm a mess. i'm so scared and lonely. i'm full of dreams and jumbled thoughts, and i don't know what to do with either of them.

i think i should go to sleep before i make any more posts.

"oh, its what you do to me." (i fucking love you, do you love me?)

i'm not your star

i fucking love this song, its been one of my favorites since i was 15/16. it just means so much to me, and just describes so much.

"did you know i miss you? i miss you."

i'm going to fail this godamn midterm. and this spanish test.

help me, i'm choking on the inside

i wish i was happy. i wish i was thin- not skeletal (although that would be ideal), just at a healthy weight (120-130 for my height). i wish i was doing better in school. i wish he liked me, that he had a myspace so i could stalk him, that i know what to say to him. i wish i could talk to people about something other than dance, that i don't feel so awkward and out of place. i wish i had friends that don't treat me like shit (wait, i take part of that back- i wish i had more than 4 friends that don't treat me like shit).

the monsters are all missing and the nightmares can't be found

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	High

Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Pride is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that codemns you to hell.
Discover Your Sins - Click Here

that was fun, its pretty accurate.

i've taken this one before, and i just took it now, for fun, and, well, my results are interesting to say the least. although it keeps on sending me to the 5th level of hell, i guess i fit in well there, lol.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

the last time i took it, most of those weren't very high, i think only 5 and 7 were very high. my how i've changed.

i found an old xanga entry when i was looking for my old test results, its over a year old and i still know what it refers to; "i can't, i shouldn't, i might, i will."- cutting.

and we've got everybody singing

and i think what i just wrote is going over my head
i'm stealing lines from myself
and what i said was never said
it's just a lyrical lie
made up in my mind
-cute is what we aim for

my heart, it beats, beats for only you

i think i'm falling for him, hard. maybe that survey was wrong. maybe it will work out. i'm going to his job soon so i can "shop".

i remember when i said i loved you, now i take it back

i don't know who i am, or what i have become.

all hail the heartbreaker

i blame mk for getting me into the spill canvas, they're awesome.

i hate the idea that someone can stalk every move that i can make by just having my ip address.

almost choked on an m&m when i saw v1 walk past my history class yesterday. i'm seriously having the week from hell.

i fucking love this weather.

i hate keeping things in, i want this to be as anonymous as possible, but now i have to effing censor myself because people could read this. maybe i'll make a new one, i dunno.

you shine brighter than anyone does

i can't fucking win. my mouth got me into major trouble at school because i trashed my bio professor on rate my professor, and i sprained my ankle really badly, and because of it, i had to go to the hospital. i'm so stressed, sick, and exhausted, and this is the icing on the fucking cake.

and i have no fucking privacy on the internet. every goddamn thing i type on there is going to be fucking monitored because of my stupid mouth.


now i have to try and take a shower with this ankle, this should be fun.

i'll let you whip me if i misbehave

street tap tomorrow, fuck yes. <3

i had irish step tonight, it was fun, the best part of it was seeing my girlies- i missed them all, especially l!

god i fucking love the kill, but i'm in too much pain to dance to it. my legs are so fucking sore from irish step.

my modern class is filled with little children, its horrible. its me, then l and a few others that are her age (16), and then the rest are 12-8! i need to be in the advanced class just so i dont feel so old. but im still not the tallest, lol, some of them are taller than me.

took ballet yesterday after i finished working just so i could make up my class that i had missed (i couldn't go because i was working at the other studio), it was fun, i like having s as a ballet teacher, she's good.

in my wednesday class we did fosse jazz to "sexyback", it was awesome, i hope we do it in the show. i love that song, and its a dance that we can have fun with.

i'm just so happy to be back at dance, i missed it hardxcore.

in your eyes, i lost my faith

a girl in my history of modern india class had a seizure in the middle of the lecture. we got the ambulance to come and get her, but it got me thinking of how short life is. do i really want to kill myself, do i really want to starve, develop all of the health problems that go along with having an eating disorder, fuck my knees up more by dancing? yes i do, i think about suicide everyday, and if i develop the health problems, i feel like i am a "real" anorexic for some reason, starving seems to be the only thing that clears my head, and if dancing is the only thing that kepps me sane, i'll keep on doing it even though i'll probably need surgery by the time i'm 35.

the used makes me happy, and this song makes me think of v2.

you know those stupid surveys where you put in someone's name, your favorite number, whatever, and they tend to be semi-accurate, but i did one that my friend sent me, and it was scarily accurate. there was a part where you put in songs, and here are the songs i put in, and what they mean:
7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
PERSON IN NUMBER 3 (the person in 3 was v2, and according to the survey, he's the one i love!!) "my blue heaven"- taking back sunday ("oh i'm just asking you to hear me, could you please just once just hear me" which to me is basically pay attention to me!!)

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
PERSON IN 7 (the person in 7 was this guy, v1, and according to the survey, i like him, but our relationship cannot work out, which is true, he's way too smart for me) "emergency"- paramore (this one was weird and scary!)

9. THE 10 TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
YOUR MIND "time to dance (demo)"- panic! at the disco (mmmhmm, that's true)

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE "cute without the e (cut from the team)"- taking back sunday ("which would you prefer- my finger on the trigger or mid-face dumbed down across the floor?")

weird, huh?

will you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?

i loathe people that think anorexics and pro-anas want to "recruit" people and draw girls into our web, i got into an argument with someone in the comments section of theskinnywebsite.com over that. and i'm not pro-ana, i'm not sure what i am. but i wish people would check out sites such as ceruleanbutterfly.com and educate themselves about pro-ana, anorexia, all that stuff instead of making ridiculous statements. and the girl making these was such a dumb, mean, bitch. and she spelled my fucking name wrong, and she didn't even read my whole comment because she called me an "ignorant pro-ana", even though i never said i was pro-ana, i believe that anorexia is both a disease and a lifestyle because it develops over time, and it becomes part of your life, like any other disease. i'm an asthmatic and it is a part of my life, and i view my ed that way.

dance starts wednesday, and christmas show tryouts are tomorrow, i think. i'm nervous about trying out, but i know that i'm definitley in street tap. i can't wait to go back to dance because i miss moving across that floor, feeling free, laughing, having a good time, and even tripping over that hole in the floor (which has been fixed!). and i get to see v2 on saturday, if my biffle's sorority is having a party, i'll invite him because when he gets wasted, he turns into such a whore. but he's still hot.

oo, i want a hot pink ipod nano, maybe i'll get one when my pink mini dies. or maybe an apple green nano, that color is super pretty!

now i need to read 80 pages of gandhi for my history of modern india class, this should be fun.

what if i wanted to fight, beg for the rest of my life?

school is better, my classes are ok.

fucking gorgeous british boy was chilling with his friends by the building that i have my theater class in, i HAVE to find out who he is, if he is single, if he is straight, and what his myspace is.

i'm taking hip-hop/breakdancing, my studio is offering it (we've always had hip-hop, but never breaking), and its being taught by one of the male contestants from so you think you can dance?, and i hope its one of the hot ones.

v2 better have his hot ass at the studio on saturday, i can't wait until the 23rd to see him.

i'm fucking insane.

what's the worst that i could say??

i'm really pissed at certain people. i was at my biffle's house today for a bbq, and 3 girls that live across the street came over. the 2 oldest i've always had a problem with, the oldest made fun of me soooo much when i was in intermediate school, and the other one said to my biffle "does shannon hate you? because she's never over your house." um its called having a life you little cunt, maybe if you were actually in school, then you would know what its like to have one. the youngest is awesome, i love her to death. so we were talking about tattoos and stuff, and the middle one and i got into an argument about where I should get MY tattoos done (i got an idea for a new one- "what's the worst that i could say?" on my lower back in red ink).

maybe i don't want to get my tattoo done at studio enigma because THEY SUCK!! me and l both got our cartilidage done there, and they were both messed up, but when i went to tattoo mania for my tragus, it healed so well!! your tattoo is fucking ugly, and you're a piece of trash.

and you. don't you talk down to my brother like that. yes, he's autistic, but that doesn't make him a fucking moron!! he doesn't fully understand the concept of cliques, he doesn't know much about girls, i know he comes out with stupid shit, but that's why you humor him, not talk down to him and go "but why do you want to become goth? you should be your own person!" in a condesending tone, like he's fucking 5 years old. to him, a "goth" is someone that dresses in all black, he doesn't understand cliques, and its not your job to explain them to him. so stop talking to him like he's 5. and i heard you call me a bitch, but its none of your business if i ask him to stop doing something. maybe i asked him to stop because he's been lectured numerous times on doing that!! so don't call me a bitch when i'm trying to stop him from acting like an ass!!
and he's also way smarter than you'll ever be, and you're not god's gift to writing, you're an immature drama queen. you're going to be 20 and yet you act like you're 12. i hate you with a passion, i hope that the next time the dog headbutts you, that you get an injury more severe than a cut gum.

i love one of my pals, 'cause she doesn't like those 2 either, but we have no problem with the youngest, she rocks.

"we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they may teach us how not to need."

i bought a shirt with the names of various supermodels on it with hopes that it will "thinspire" me. ha, like there is anything that can help me. i saw an emaciated woman walking past me when i was walking to a restaurant with my friends the other day, and even though i had green tea and a salad, i wound up buying a giant bag of m&ms later that evening.

mmm, bam margera. i'm watching the vmas because i missed them the other night, and i really want to see fall out boy accept the viewers choice award because i love pete. ahh, "because of you", its a modern song!! oh why the fuck is peter wearing a cape?? well he looks hot in it, he's totally pimping it.

so i started classes on wednesday, i hate them already. i'm one of the smartest people in my math class, which is scary, history of india seems boring as fuck, i'm in waaay over my head in spanish, and i'm one of 3 non-theater majors in history of theater (the other 2 are my friends that are twin sisters, we've been pals since we were 4), so while everyone else has brilliant answers, we have shitty ones. its so weird that i'm a sophomore, i never thought that i would live this long, i thought that i would've killed myself or wound up in a mental institution by now.

i wish ernesto caused more destruction.

drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back

i wish my summer was fun.

so i went to a club last night and danced with a guy for the first time ever. and i hated it. he stunk, was ugly, kept on nuzzling my neck (i was like what the fuck?), and then he started humping me, so that's when i pulled away from him because he wouldn't let go of me and i left my friends and i went to the bathroom. and i didn't wanna go back out, but i had to because i didn't wanna worry my friends. i hate dancing with guys like that, i need my space. the only time i'll dance with a guy is if that guy is v2.

i used to do that at my old job every single day because i was treated like shit. one woman there hated me, i got yelled at when i couldn't find a medical file, meanwhile i was lucky if i found anything in that disorganized office. and i took the metal thing from a file folder and cut myself with it. i was so fucked up.

"i am thinking about breakfast, but i have no intentions of eating it."- shaant, from cute is what we aim for

he has to have an ed, he is so fucking skinny, and only someone with an eating problem would say that. but shaant is gorgeous, i <3 him.

OMG THE KILL IS ON MTV2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MODERN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the kill= greatest song ever, so i get a bit excited when i hear it.

so i found out some... interesting news from a friend of mine and v2s- HE HOOKED UP WITH HER FRIEND!!!! AND (for those of you that don't know this) HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, SO HE CHEATED ON HER!!!!!!!!! which means that if he comes to our friend's going back to school party, which i'm going to, and it involves drinking and a limo, and if he gets drunk, then i'm so gonna try to hook up with him (aahh, my first kiss!!). apparently he turns into a slut when he's drunk because that's when he hooked up with the girl. but he's such a hot slut, so i don't care.

can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

so i went to my jazz teachers wedding today. she looked beautiful, and she was so happy. i want to be happy, to find the one. v2 was there because he's my tap teacher, so we were chilling with him. he looked so cute, and i just got all sad because i want him sooooo badly, i have this sick infatuation with him, and i know i'll never get him because i'm fat and i'm not supposed to be happy, my life is supposed to suck.

i'm talking to k, who i really want to fall off a cliff and die. i'm giving her advice about guys, when i'm the one that has zero experience with them.

i want to be numb, for all of this pain to go away. just drink it all away until i'm fucking trashed, or cut it all away until i'm passed out from the loss of blood.

98lbs by December 29th.

i can see the venom in your eyes

snakes on a plane was such a good movie, i went to a special showing last night, it rocked. hot guys, funny one-liners, a guy getting his dick bit by a snake and all the guys at the theater freaking out, and "i'm sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!".

gained 5.2lbs, i suck.

got my laptop, i'm happy.

i saw step up on wednesday, it was really good, but it made me depressed. when they were dancing by the water on the roof, i was so sad because i want that so badly. i want to fall in love with a guy that can dance and make me feel the way tyler made nora feel. i really want v2 to be that guy, but he won't. he has a girlfriend, and i'm not supposed to be happy, so i won't ever fall in love and have that. i don't know what the fuck i'm saying anymore.

its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to

i'm so ashamed of the way that i eat and the fact that i'm too exhausted to exercise that i won't post in my.... more public, i guess, ed journal. i feel like i'm not a "real anorexic", that i don't fit in. for once, i fit in, and i don't want to fuck it up by saying i had a box and a half of macaroni and cheese and having them all go "oh, don't worry, you'll burn it off", all that bullshit meanwhile they're thinking "fucking fatass". that's why i'm kind of proud to be ed-nos, with exercise bulimia, i fit in with a group, for once, even if sometimes i have to pretend to be this amazing girl that can fast and go to dance and not want to die, that won't eat a large fries, that can pretend that its all ok. i feel so fake.

i did go to the gym today.

i went to the gym, i go to curves. what you do there is basically go around in a circle and you jog and then go on a machine and some people don't like to go in order, they like to move from one side of the circle to the next. it pisses me off sooooooo much, like today i jogged and i went to go on a machine and a woman walked from the other side of the circle and sat on the machine and then she got back up and did another machine when she saw me, because that's just fucking rude.

i did a survey on myspace, and it was therapeutic, its 10 things i probably should say.

instructions: write ten statements, intended to different people - things you've always wanted to tell them. never tell which one is to whom.

1. sometimes, you're the only person that makes me feel sane. i love you more than anything, you are literally my other half. you know how some people are just destined to meet? we're like that, and that's why you make me feel sane and normal.

2. you still don't know what i would do for you. that night junior year when i called you crying, i had already cut myself for the first time, fearing that you had already killed yourself. but once you called me back, i knew you were better, but remember- if you do it, i'm right behind you.

3. you're amazing. you have no idea how much i admire and respect you. you're an amazing dancer, a gorgeous, talented, funny guy, and i want to drag you into the basement of dancing school and do things to you.

4. please let me do this. i feel like I have to, if only for one semester. i don't care (well I do) if you won't pay, i feel like I have to at least try to do it. if my knee can't handle it, then i'll transfer back, but please, let me try it for a semester. just let me follow my dream.

5. i'm sorry. but please get me the help that i need.

6. stop talking, because no one believes a word that you say. i hate you. now go fall off a cliff and die. and you weigh 105lbs? bullfuckingshit.

7. i really don't like who you've become, i miss the old you. the one that was the head nerd, whose idea of fun wasn't making out with a girl (not that i have anything against it), trying to get me drunk THE NIGHT BEFORE MY FUCKING DANCE RECITAL WHICH I HAD A FUCKING HANGOVER AT THANKS TO YOU!!!, drinking, going to a hookah bar, i miss the old you that i met back in spanish class.

8. make up your mind already. you're a grown woman, now act like one. pick a fucking college and go to it. no school will accept you if they see a transcript with 5 different colleges on it.

9. you're a disgusting whore. you're going to end up pregnant or with an std and i won't give a fuck.

10. can i just have one chance to prove myself? please?????? just let me take one class, i can handle the physical stuff, i can do whatever you throw at me, just give me a chance.