oh here it goes again

fuck. its junior year all over again. when r and i were juniors, she tried committing suicide for the 4th time and she was sent to the psych ward for a few days, this happened two different times in less than a month. the first time was on october 17th, it was the day before the psat and we were at sing practice and she was pressing a knife into her arm. no cuts, just indentations and it scared the shit out of me. she was going to kill herself that night, and that night i called her and just cried into her voicemail and i told her that if she did it, then so would i because i can't live without her. this was one of the causes of my cutting. her mom took her to the hospital, she was put on anti-depressants, taken off of them that may, and she's been fine until a few months ago. i went onto her myspace before and she posted a blog, and it was written i guess as a battle of her subconscious and how she wants to kill herself and how her ex, her boy, her fucked up family, and her little stepbrother affect her. and at the end of the blog, she decides to shoot herself. i read this and i got so fucking scared. the memories of that horrible day and night of junior year came flooding back. i can't go through this again, i'm not strong enough to. i don't think i can save her this time, i don't think i can even save myself if she actually goes through with it. i can't go through this again, it broke me so much last time, it was a fucking nightmare full of blood and hopelessness. i'm just so scared of what's going to happen, i love her more than anything, she's one of the few people that i can be myself around, that i can feel sane around, and i can't lose her, i just can't.

fuck, i'm crying. i can't do this again, i'll be the one in the fucking psych ward if i have to go through this again.