well here it is, my last day of being 18. 19, it seems like such a weird age to be, i dunno. i feel like i'm finally growing up, and i'm scared to grow up, i wanna be that carefree 14-year-old again that didn't restrict and purge, or cut. that didn't have to do 6 page papers and bullshit her way through her classes. but i've realized so much this year- that i do have a problem, that i don't need certain people to be happy, that i want to become a performer, that i like singing, and that i'm closer to being happy than i've been in years. but being older brings more responsibilites, that i don't want. i don't want a real job, i really don't want to go to school, i just want to dance, write, and try to make it.
i think i'm becoming nocturnal. second night in a row that i've stayed up, and then i sleep all day. like yesterday i woke up at 5pm, what the fuck?!
i will be 168 today at weigh in. i WILL be. i want to wake up tomorrow weighing less than i did on my 18th (i was 170).
every single year i make these promises that i will somehow be 120 by the recital or my birthday. i can't make these anymore because i keep on breaking them. i just want to lose.
mmmm, old-skool fall out boy, brings back memories of junior year, they were the best thing to happen to me that year. pete's hardcore screaming/growling makes me laugh.
my camera broke, i'm so pissed.
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