confidants but never friends; were we ever friends?

this loneliness is consuming me. every waking moment i feel worse and worse. i don’t feel accomplished at all. just seeing people’s christmas decorations is enough to start this feeling. i hate being by myself, this isn’t even my own place. i can’t even decorate. maybe if i could at least do that, i would feel better, but i can’t. instead i drown my sorrows in food and shopping. i just need to stay off of social media, but i can’t. i need to be on it for work, but it just makes me feel worse.

why the fuck am i always attracted to fucking geminis? why why why.

i can try, but sometimes that is not enough

i feel so lost. i have a new, fantastic job, but i’m so lonely. i just wish i had someone. my friend wants to fix me up with someone, but i’m terrified, then i complain that i’m lonely. i don’t get it.

i feel so inadequate, i’m failing at being an adult. so i have a job, but i’m alone, and i can’t find a place to live. if i met someone, i can’t even bring them where i’m staying. i feel empty. nothing helps this feeling of emptiness- not music, not dance, not shopping, nothing. those bandaids don’t help any more. i feel like such a failure. friends are married/getting married, pregnant, and then there’s me. i feel like a lost child.

after what happened at my old job, i’m terrified of failing. sometimes the anxiety starts- it begins in my chest, and spreads through my body like a monster. sometimes my jaw gets tense. sometimes i’m nauseous. sometimes my heart is racing. it’s different each day. i have to keep telling myself that my old job was bad, and this isn’t like that. but there is that stupid little voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of how much i failed. i don’t like failure, it terrifies me.

i appreciated your words the other day. you helped me feel better after shit happened, and made me laugh too. now if only you gave me a compliment, because i know i looked damn good.

where do i go? gimme some sort of sign. hit me with lightning, maybe i’ll come alive

its been forever. that wonderful job was temp, so it ended. i found another job that i thought was amazing, but realized how very wrong that i was. i got fired from that job. got fired. that's something that i never thought would happen to me.

it was like being in a vacuum. all i heard was "today is your last day here", and everything shut out. it was like i was in a hole, in a dark room. it took all i had in me to not cry, and listen to the details that i needed to hear. i'm glad i didn't cry, i didn't grant them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. its more shock than anything else. you feel like you're alone, just stuck, and you don't know what to do. you go onto auto-pilot. march back to your desk, you gather your stuff, and you go home, and then now what?

i've been rejected by an industry that i worked so hard to get into. i don't know what to do, or where to go. i don't have enough experience, i don't have the right experience. i don't know what to do, and it's killing me.