how could you expect anything less?

beyond happy at my new school. i feel smart, for once, my professors like me, and i'm doing really well in all my classes. haven't made any friends, but i simply don't care to.

saw every avenue last night, show #9, i missed them quite a bit. they have easily become my favorite band.

i'm such a mess inside. at war with my body, don't know how i feel about anything anymore.

who do you think you are?

fuck. you. you broke my heart 8 years ago, randomly add me, then don't talk to me on there. and then you turn around and do that? i saw it, and i cried.

you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

i've felt like such a failure lately. most of my friends are in happy, stable relationships. they have amazing families that i know i am a part of. they're getting engaged, married, pregnant, and giving birth to healthy, adorable babies. they have great jobs, getting their feet in the door of their field, or at least have a job.

where am i? single for 22 years. no boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on a date. my family is in pieces. i don't want to pursue what my degree is in, and my job is terminating sometime in august. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know who i am, or what i want.

the story left untold, is better than you know

haven't done a picture post in years. this was just posted on postsecret.com, and it made me cry. i just want him to come back home. i want my family to be whole again. i don't care if there are times when we all wanna kill each other, i just want everyone back.

and that's the hardest part

there is no love, only lust, jealousy, and unfaithfulness. love is just a passing illusion, even if you think you're in it, it doesn't last long. it can last for a day, a month, 20 years, but it all boils down to just passing feelings of lust for that person.

you have no idea how much respect i lost for you. i may be an adult, but i'm still your child, and i have every right to hate you, even if i don't make it obvious.

& the worst part is, before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff

there are some things that i can't even post here, without fear of being discovered.

things are worse. i want to literally kill someone...if i see her in person i may just flip out on her. how dare she...if she supposedly cares about me then why would she do that?

"& in the free fall i will realize i'm better off when i hit the bottom"

picking up pieces of her clumsy little heart

bamboozle. ugh. usually that is the weekend that i live for, but it kinda sucked this year. by myself one day, which blew. saw paramore alone and cried during "the only exception" and lost my voice during their set. also cried during something corporate, fucking "konstantine" and it's beautiful words and horrible painful memories for me. but i saw my soco, after being a fan for 8 years, and i couldn't be happier.

day 2 was with friends. i pretty much went just for every avenue but i fell in love with fun and polar bear club. ea was beyond amazing, such a huge crowd. lost my voice from screaming the words during their set, i wanted to tell dave how much ea means to me, but i chickened out. he is also extremely attractive, plays guitar and piano- i think i'm in love. and he's a capricorn like me (good compatibility). here is to hoping that their summer tour brings me good things.

i am glad that i went this year, but i doubt i'll be going next year- unless it's someone amazing like no doubt.

home is still upside down. i just want my family back. i want my mom to stop flipping out, i want my brother to stop screaming at me, and i want to stop crying at every single show.

tell me i'm a wreck, say that i'm a mess

i needed this show tonight. every avenue tells the story of my life and it's shitty relationships, and singer from the cab said that "i'll run" is about hope, and i almost lost it during that song. i needed to scream out those words until i couldn't breathe, and almost start to cry. "think of you later in my empty room where i fall asleep alone", "have a little faith in me".

music is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore, once recorded, the words stay the same (for the most part), but the meaning never changes. a song could mean one thing when it was written, but your personal meaning is the one that matters to you.

i could really use a wish right now

my knee is shot. there is a tear and degenerative changes. not allowed to dance for i don't know how long, and i'm going nuts. i need to dance it out, and i can't. there is so much bottled up that i can't get rid of, and writing only helps so much.

spent $1,000 since wednesday, i have a shopping problem. i went shopping to buy: a bra, undies, and sweatpants, and wound up with a $200 bag and a $150 necklace, and i've also bought concert tickets, another necklace for $125, $25 earrings, and some other things. i just can't stop. i guess this is my way of coping with everything since i'm not allowed to dance.

when repetition ends, we'll start over

things just keep getting worse. parents are taking a break. divorce could be next. when i think things are bad, they just get worse. it's like a sinkhole, just keeps getting deeper and deeper, with no end in sight.

go on take your best shot, they can never find our secret hiding spot

another late night feeling sorry for myself. i really hate that many of my friends are: in long-term relationships, married, or engaged, and me, at 22, well i've never even been on a date. am i ever going to find someone? someone who i love, who loves me back? almost every guy that i have ever liked has never liked me back, and the few that have liked me: i wasn't attracted to them at all, and/or they were only attracted to anything with boobs. and then there was the 1 guy that i liked, who i thought liked me back, who stopped talking to me after we hung out. i just wanna meet someone and feel those butterflies. in person, not online- i'd rather be a cat lady then sign up for online dating. i'm so tired of being so lonely.

"the greatest thing that you'll ever learn is to love, and to be loved in return"- when will that happen for me?

you've left me speechless

jobless, in debt, and lonely is what describes me right now. i don't know what i'm going to do. maybe i am better off dead.

i feel like i have no one to really talk to anymore. no one understands how fucked i am right now.

happy 300 posts, i guess.

i will never believe again

fob called it quits. the one band that i have stood by for 6 years is done. i knew it was coming, but it's so sad. they gave me so many memories, friends and enemies, and brought me closer to old friends. i've camped outside in the rain to see them, trekked to pennsylvania, laughed, screamed, sang my lungs out, and cried at their shows. i feel so lucky that i was able to go to the last show, got to hear the classics (but not the favorites) for the last time. they were such a huge part of me, and always will be. i'll look back on these years and laugh at what i would do for them, and know it was always worth it. i don't blame any of them for this, as people grow up they tend to go their separate ways. i can only hope they'll come back someday.

believers never die.

see, I'm trying to find my place

can't even stay away for a year. i keep running back, it's my comfort zone.

the past year has been crazy. been in a magazine, movie, and a commercial- it's finally falling into place. in june i lost someone who i greatly loved and admired, who made me into the dancer that i am today. now, every step is for her. i began taking harder classes, did the highest level of a dance convention, and began pushing myself further than ever, all to make her proud. i have no real friends. i finished my degree, but i do not want to teach, so i'm starting all over again this fall. a clean slate.

parents are in marriage counseling, finally. they're trying to work it out for my brother, if they divorce it will destroy him.

i was cut off, financially. trying to find a job is incredibly challenging, i just want something with better pay and benefits.

still hopelessly single. i really hate it, i've felt so lonely lately. i've also cut myself off from my friends. l and c just want to party party, and i'm not into that. and i grew sick of being the only one able to buy alcohol. haven't seen them for awhile, along with e and r. i've seen some friends recently, but i just don't want to see anyone anymore.

it feels good to be back.