you're appealing to emotions that i simply do not have

you are, and its scaring me.

i'm praying for love, but paying in my naivety.

believe what you read

can i do this? can i pursue him? i really want to, but i'm so nervous, i've never done anything with a guy before, i don't want to be a horrible hookup. i really like him, he's fucking hot, he's the first really hot guy to be interested in me, i don't want to fuck this up.

goddamn tug-of-war.

this week should be amazing, paramore on wednesday, and then bamboozle this weekend.

and a tiny part of me is hoping that if we do hook up, that it'll end up turning into an amazing and long-lasting relationship. a girl can dream, right?

to hands between legs, to whatever it takes, to drinks at the club to the bar to the keys of your car, to the hotel stairs, to the emergency exit door

*flails* hot boy. penis pictures. omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and its not like wentz penis (but i still <3 ya pete), its actually, um, like wow, lol. 8 inches and thick.

oh, this is screenname boy from the last post.

and he wants me to talk dirty... oh. my. fucking. god. (can i just say that i'm blushing right now, lol.)

boo... he just asked me what i've done... fucking hell.

shit, he doesn't want a relationship.

*facepalms* i don't know what i'd like to do/change... i'm like at a fucking loss for words. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. part of me just wants to fuck him, and part of me is like "you want a relationship, not a fuck buddy, you're still a fucking virgin, take this shit slow". fucking hell. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

i'm such a goddamn tease, i don't know what i want anymore.

he asked if i'd be all submissive and shit... omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bites and scratches, being tied up- yes please!!

blowjob? hah, that should be interesting, you'll probably make me gag so fast. you're right- 1/2 way and i'd gag.

and he wants me to send him boob pictures, yeah- not happening. they're uneven, i hate them, i'm fat, and just... yeah. the others will be sent when you're sober- i'm not having your drunk ass showing the pictures to all of your friends.

i hate this. my body wants one thing, and my heart and mind wants another. it's like a constant tug of war.

do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

the taste of fame is so sweet, but losing it is so sour. no pro-gig for me.

i create a wall and block everyone out. i want to let some people in, but i just can't; if i let down one wall, then they all crumble, like dominoes.

there is a boy, i actually gave him my screenname, but i'm too nervous to talk to him. fucking walls.

i'm weak, a coward, a pussy.

i want a boy that will sing "hey there delilah" to me, and quote "cupid's chokehold" when talking about me. will i ever be happy? when will i make up my mind?

i will never cry at night again

so many butterflies... flutter flutter.
nerves are building, i'm terrified about tomorrow, i'm going to humiliate myself in front of everyone.
slow down, lift, smile, tune them out- i'm supposed to do all that and dance at the same time.
bad idea. very very bad idea.

don't pretend you ever forgot about me

tell me the truth with a straight face.

i walk through the rain with my hood down because the rain makes me feel alive.

i'm trying to become someone that i'm not, for you. "hell yeah, i'm the mother fucking princess" all for you, my dear. i'm becoming another hollister wearing clone, for you. i'm slowly losing my individuality, pretty soon i'll be getting my nails done and going tanning twice a week just to become something that i'm not. please give me a sign that you like me, anything. (or get a fucking online profile, please)

virgina tech ♥

yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. not knowing if you were okay or not almost sent me spiraling into a breakdown. i'm so glad that you're alright, you know more about me than the most of our family does, even though we're not really related and have only hung out twice. love ya kid, stay safe, and stay strong.

if anyone was affected by yesterday's horrible massacre at virginia tech, i hope that your loved one is okay, and if they were killed, then i'm truly sorry for your loss.

i can't watch the news reports about this without crying. all of these kids are dead, they're all around my age, with hopes and dreams, some about to graduate, and then they were executed by that asshole.

my generation has gone through so much; columbine, 9/11, and now the vt massacre- what's next for us? we've seen the world change so much in just 8 years, our lives change drastically due to these events. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

shit like this makes me feel horrible for using this journal to complain about my life, there are problems that are much bigger than mine.

2 more weeks, and my foot is in the door

well its actually 3. may 6th is going to be the greatest day of my life. i've been offered the chance of a lifetime, i'm shocked that he asked us, i never thought i'd be doing something like this at my age, i thought that i'd be 22/23 when i start getting professional gigs like this, but nope, its starting earlier than i planned, and i love it. i'm gonna make it, i'm gonna be famous, i'm gonna be something.

aww, he didn't offer it to you guys? well too fucking bad. you know why he didn't ask you? because you girls suck. you have no personality, you don't know the steps, and, well just suck in general. the only one in the class that has a smidgen of talent is only 13, but she belongs in my class because we're obviously better than you guys. (why yes, i am feeling cocky tonight)

it still hasn't sunk in yet... and the best part is that its going to actually be on mtv. i'm going to be watched by millions, hopefully noticed by a band (peter, i asked if you were gonna be there, if you are, you better say hi to me!) or singer, and be asked to dance in a video or on a tour (cough*HONDACIVICTOUR*cough), and things will be amazing.

but where's your heart?

you don't ask a girl what kind of plastic surgery that she would get done... that's like asking a girl how much she weighs! you creepy pedophiliac asshole, k told us that you hit on her, she's still in high school for fucks sake! i didn't want to tell you because only my mother, and a few close friends know, that's it. its really embarrassing, i have to get an implant in one of my boobs because its 2 cup sizes smaller than the other, its not something that i want to share over fucking myspace!

shut the door to her moaning and i shoot smack in my veins

it is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS TO KNOW WHO I LIKE. SECRET CRUSHES ARE CALLED THAT FOR A REASON. THE LAST TIME I TOLD ANY OF YOU WHOM I LIKED, ONE OF YOU RAN AND TOLD HIM, AND MADE HIM THINK THAT I WAS A FUCKING PSYCHO. ONE OF YOU IS THE REASON WHY ALL OF THIS SHIT IS BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME, AND I HAD TO MAKE THIS BLOG BEFORE I REALLY WENT FUCKING CRAZY.

omg that felt great. but yeah... i didn't tell you for a reason, i don't want you "awwing" and telling me to go out with him and all of that shit. i'm at a very weird place mentally, i'm losing what's left of my mind, so there is no way i'm dating anyone, not even v1 any time soon, unless they want to deal with this broken girl.

slow motion, see me let go.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm dying. i am never, EVER this sick, and i'm just getting worse by the minute. no fever yet, but i can't even keep a fucking salad down, and i have to eat so i can take my antibiotic. i'm coughing up more shit, and i'm very dizzy, lightheaded, and i'm starting to see double.

and of course i see v1 when i look like shit in sweatpants and a hoodie.

i'm so sick, infected with where i live

i'm really sick, i never get like this. my head is going to explode and i started coughing up phlegm, i'll probably start coughing up blood if this cough persists.

i had a 10 page paper due tomorrow, and i never did it, so i'm telling everyone that i'm too sick to go to that class so i can do it over the week.

liar liar, when are you gonna get caught?

i'm alright, but i'm better with a pen

can't stop thinking about v1, i don't know why.

i feel very lost, and hopeless, i'm slowly hitting bottom, and nothing may bring me back up.

can't sleep, can't think, can't dream.

i like being here on vacation because all of the girls here are about 100lbs heavier than me, so i look skinny, for once in my life.