you're not ready, please, stop acting like you are

there is no other feeling in the world than the feeling that you get when walking around soho at 11:30 at night, screaming and singing with your best friend that's more like the sister that you wish you have.

i bought a to write love on her arms shirt tonight, when people ask me what it is, and why i'm wearing it, i'm going to lie and say because my friend used to cut herself, because no one can know the truth.

bayside is fucking amazing live. so is anberlin and jonezetta, they were insane. meg & dia were alright.

he, he tastes like you but sweeter

remember that hole i dug myself back in the fall? i'm back in it. for once i'm speechless, can't think of a thing to say.

the shadows kept me hidden

fast until you can't move, that's the way to do it. everything is brighter, things are sharper, i'm focused. collapse from weakness, struggle to get up, and fall again.

i'm so far gone now, i've been running on empty

oxycotin, ritalin, and vodka- my favorite cocktail. i'm a drugstore cowgirl, mixing what i like until i get the numbness that i crave. its sitting here in front of me, and i'm debating taking it only because i have things to do tonight, and i can't be fucked up. (let's get fucked up and die.)

some nights it gets so bad that i almost pick up the phone

broken down at the side of the road, everything spilled out. secrets, lies, truth, all there for the world to see. i'm an open book, with a hidden message. decipher it, and you may have my heart.

this could be the last time.

i think i'm finally going crazy. i feel myself unraveling, and i don't know how to stop it, and i'm fucking petrified.

i need to talk to someone that won't judge me or run to my parents and tell them everything, i really need to get it all out.

that teenage vow is starting to creep back into my thoughts, and this time, i may actually go through with it.

boy, i'm the drugstore cowgirl.

is this how we say goodbye?

i almost began to cry in modern, she told us to dance with emotion, to let it all out, and it almost did. i almost had a full breakdown, she told us to think of something to make us feel something, and with our song, i always feel sad, so i was thinking of everything, my fucked up life, how "hum hallelujah" makes me cry, amongst other things, and i started tearing up. my heart feels so broken, i feel so weak from it.

in every circle of friends, there is a whore.

taking shots in the bathroom shows true class. alcoholic, and at each other. put on those gloves ladies, its time for a showdown. you talk trash because that's what you are.

liar, if we're keeping score.

my heart and mind are in a never-ending battle, each wants something different. its an epic battle, going on for years. i'm so confused, i want to be loved, and yet i don't. i hate myself, so how can i love someone when i don't even love myself?

self-deprecation is wonderful, isn't it?

keep the blood in your head, and your feet on the ground

the truth is hiding behind these glasses. my eyes have seen more than any nineteen-year-old should, there is pain, beauty, truth, and love hidden there, deeply hidden. coax it out, please. there is terror, fear and loneliness; happiness, beauty, and love hidden, so hard to find. the terror, fear and loneliness may come out first, who knows. the love will be the last, it will be the hardest to coax out. this heart is so heavy, full of pain and sadness, it has never known true love, only heartbreak. break out the bandaids boy, you're gonna need them.

so keep me updated, call back in a week to check up on me

happy valentines day.
its been 19 years and i still have no one to love. i'm tired, scared, confused and lonely. please find me and help me out. this heart is locked up, and you hold the key. the lock is stuck, its rusted, but you can open it, can't you?

snowstorms are love. they are so beautiful, but they can be so deadly, like my wit. innocent, unsuspecting, i pick up my pen and it all pours out. thoughts, fears, dreams, threats, secrets. dark, twisted, light, fluffy. it all pours out, a jumbled mess, like my mind and heart.

i have a sharp mind and a sharp tongue, show me how to use both. the words flow from this pen, but they mean nothing (or do they mean something), they're just meaningless drabble from an insomniatic mind who over analyzes anything and everything.

"i want to destroy something beautiful."

trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns

i'm thinking of re-reading invisible monsters, but highlighting all of my favorite quotes as i read (such as "the truth is, i shot myself in the face:).
spanish test tomorrow, ugh, this sucks.
i may be going into the city tomorrow evening with my biff so she can get a gift for her bf. but yay, manhattan, in the snow, fucking amazingly awesome!!
i told r that i want a boy, but i really don't. ugh, i'm so confused, my head is a maze of jumbled thoughts, and i can't seem to find my way out.

so hum hallelujiah just off the key of reason

"Conservation"
i am a conservationist of the heart, protecting it for all the kids that never had a chance with love. we're scared of the consequences, which would occur if we, we revealed our true selves to the object of our affections. the dark inside may scare you, its inside of all of us, our secrets that needed to be kept hidden from you, the world.
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face.
i sit and wait. and wait. and wait. just for you, i've been waiting patiently, but this heart can't wait anymore. i could share the dark with you, and you, you may like it. turn off the lights and pour everything out.
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face. you want me to wait, but i won't wait for you forever.
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
blinded by your life (slapped you in the face)
you're the world to me, can't you see that? you're blinded by your life, you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slapped you in the face. you want me to wait, but i won't wait for you forever.
i'll never stop waiting for you, even if i have to wait forever.
-S.C.H., 2/7/07

wrote that during u.s. history, we were talking about conservation, and the first line just came to me. i like, it does remind me a bit of a fall out boy song, but it is my first attempt at songwriting, and i'm pretty damn proud of it.

new york eyes

its bitter cold tonight, like my heart. the cold keeps my mind sharp, i'm awake and aware of my every movement. they're all carefully thought out and planned, don't you see?
i picked the scab that i wound up with from when i fell last week; i'll have a scar/indentation in my palm in the shape of a teardrop, how emo.
new fall out boy cd>all other cds.

i didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

i love being in manhattan, i just feel so alive when i'm there. its just something about that city, the people, the lights, the beauty of it all, it just captivates me and i feel alive, for once. i feel like i belong there, that i need to live there in a few years. (but i refuse to be a singing and dancing waitress)

it's too late for me, no one will know that i'm down here.

you told me before that the night is still young, and i agree. 2am isn't that late (which is when i wrote to you), but now i feel my body shutting down, but my mind is resisting it. these 4am bedtimes are going to be the death of me, but i don't care anymore.

guess who has spanish work that has yet to be started!

choreography was simply wonderful, i have some big ideas for the spring showcase.

excursion to manhattan tomorrow, i'm excited.

i have 3 concerts coming up soon, i'm gonna be so poor! and the boys of permanent me are so funny, they told me to not show up to work and go to their concert instead, lol. but i'm excited for these shows, even if i go by myself, i don't care because i do kind of go off by myself during shows, so i'll be fine.

greedy little fit haver!

morning kids. i'm exhausted, i passed out around 3am, and i got up at 7 to get my brother ready for school. (who was late anyway because he thought that he had to be there at 8:30 and just get his report card and come home, but he actually had to be there at 8 and its a full day of school. sucks for him!)
choreography today, i'm sooooooooo excited.
i fell on campus yesterday, and some dick walked past me laughing. of course when i fell, i caught myself with my hands, and i ripped one of them open on a big piece of rock salt, so i'm missing some skin on that hand.
i'm going back to sleep for a few hours.