i'd wait it out for you.

so yeah, classes started today. i like world civ, it seems like its going to be good. then there's my other class, u.s. history after 1865, and, well it sucks. it would be nice if the professor lecturing went slower, and if they SPELLED THE FUCKING SLIDES CORRECTLY. i'm sorry, its just unprofessional when names such as abraham lincon are spelled wrong (it was spelled linclon!), and there were so many grammatical errors in the slides, ugh, it was awful. on the plus side there is a rather attractive boy in my class, so i'll see him again on wednesday, he's like scene, and he's really cute. hopefully he's not gay, taken, or an asshole.

here's the setting- fashion magazines line the walls

its snowing, and its sticking!!! its not much right now, only like 1/2 an inch, but still, its snow! i feel like a little kid again. i've always loved the snow, maybe its because after i was born, there was a blizzard the day my parents brought me home from the hospital.
i have class at 10am, ugh, i don't wanna go. i'm gonna try to go to sleep soon, hopefully i'll fall asleep fast.

double standard of suspicon

i was sitting in the dark before, reading "on the road" by jack kerouac by flashlight. i used to do that when i was a kid, when my life wasn't such a huge mess.
i shouldn't be allowed to see sad love stories, i get all emo during them because i know that i'll never have a relationship, there is no one out there for me. the boys that i do like show no interest in me, and the boys that show interest in me are usually ugly and have the iq of a pea.
school tomorrow. new semester, a fresh start, right? i'll probably fuck up again this semester, because i'll never do anything with my life.
eating is out of control, i'm back up to 175.2, i'm ready to shoot myself. 165.2 by valentine's day.
adasafjfhsdlk "my blue heaven" by taking back sunday just came on, now i really am gonna cry.

i've got a plan; we can't get caught

still awake, and i have dance class at 12:30, yay. i'm feeling better tonight than i have in awhile, which is nice. more confident, perhaps happy?
textbook shopping tomorrow, and i'm gonna try to get a chuck palahniuk novel out of the trip (barnes and nobel, whoo!).
classes start on monday, how am i gonna wake up at... fuck like 7:30am then if i'm not going to sleep until 5am? i'm so glad to be going back, the only reason why i've been leaving my house during this break has been to go to work and dance class, that's it.
saw cats on thursday, it was fucking amazing.
i jump from topic-to-topic far too much, a.d.d. much?

a phonecall i'd rather not recieve

blustery night. winter is finally here, all i need to see is some snow, and i'll be a very happy girl.
i need to be on stage, all eyes on me, people whispering "who's that girl", girls envying me and wanting to be me, and guys wanting me. put that spotlight on me 'cause i'm gonna fucking shine (but can i handle it?).

i have these ridiculous fantasies, and one of them is that i'm the newest member of panic! at the disco; ryan hears me singing along to fall out boy backstage at one of their nyc shows (i'm going with someone to the honda civic tour that has connections, she's an amazing girl) and he says that my voice is what they need because they need someone to voice the "virgin" (assuming that the new cd picks up where "build god, then we'll talk" left off, using the same characters), and that i'm perfect for it. and so i join and brendon and i alternate verses when we sing, i dance my fucking heart out onstage (doing trademark dances from my school), and i'm loved, hated, and respected. when am i going to get my head out of the fucking clouds, that's never going to happen.

twist the knife, it won't last forever

bring me the horizon is truly amazing, 'sup new favorite band! i like finding new music that no one else really knows about, it makes me feel special, lol.
i may be going to see bayside in february, that should be a good show. anberlin and meg and dia are also performing that night, so it should be fun.
bright eyes is playing in the city on march 2nd and 3rd, but i probably have irish step performances both days, which sucks, but those performances come first. and i think i'd have a nervous breakdown if i met conor.
i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, its going to be a lot of fun.

you really got your hold on me

5:17am. fucking hell. i'm going to be an exhausted mess in dance class tomorrow, and thursday is gonna be fun. i'm supposed to get up early 'cause i made plans (for once in my life), and i have no clue as to how i'm gonna do that if i keep on going to bed this late.
"baby is this love for real? let me in your arms to feel the beating of your heart baby."
i really hope that i see v1 a lot this semester, that would be lovely.
hey, look, new layout, address, blog name, and icon (invisible monsters <3), i was bored.

you're looking skinny like a model, with your eyes all painted black

this 4am bedtime is going to be the death of me.
i shouldn't be listening to bright eyes this late, i get all depressed.
"i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ear"
i <3 brand new.
i'm going to be a mess when school starts, i'm going to fall asleep in all of my classes because of my fucked up sleeping pattern.

sleep through the weekend, and dream

slept until 4 today, i think i'm nocturnal.
i have almost 700 friends on myspace, and i talk to maybe 20 of them. guys send me messages, telling me that i'm cute, and i ignore it because its not true.
"i am, i am a machine"
car-crash heart has become my new saying, even though it does sound like something that would be on a t-shirt (which i would buy).
downloaded some norma jean before, they're a lot heavier than the stuff that i normally listen to, and i've never really liked anything like them, but for some reason i love them.
classes start on monday, oh joy. i need to download some good music to listen to during world civ so i don't fall asleep. and purchase some good books to read in class and during my breaks.

long live the car-crash heart

back to school on monday. i'm so excited (not). new classes, new faces, new friends, oh yay.
u.s. history after 1865 is gonna be my favorite class 'cause i have it with r and another one of our friends, we're so gonna fail it, but that's okay.
maybe i'll have a class with v1, that would be nice. or have break the same time that he does.
my eating habits are really fucked up, and i don't know what to do.

throwing stones in a glass room

broken, lost, and confused.
i'm barely holding on and keeping it all together. (keeping what together exactly? there is barely anything in your fucked up little mind to keep together)
so very cold, literally and figuratively.
i belong in a padded room, or on strong medicine.
i'm becoming more and more paranoid each day, and drawing myself more into my shell; its a rather nice little shell.
i'm afraid of who i am, and what i will become.

long live the car-crash heart

i want infinity on high to come out noooooooooooow, i need the real version of this song, my video of it is okay, but i need to be able to listen to the song. and i refuse to listen to the leak, because i don't think that's right (the only leaked songs that i have are "this ain't a scene", and "carpel tunnel of love", because fall out boy actually leaked them), and i like opening up the cd and listening to it for the first time the day that it comes out.

went out again tonight, i have a social life, whoo!! we went to see alpha dog (i almost cried when the kid got killed, jt was like "you're my boy", and then the kid got whacked with a shovel, i gasped and went "oh my god!") and then went to applebees, again. we really shouldn't be allowed out in public, we're the biggest fools ever. we harassed our carside boy, he wound up coming with us so j could spend some time with him (they're made for each other), so yay, j has a boy.

i think that i am bipolar.

i fake these smiles and this laughter and pray that no one notices.
can i blend in? i'm a fucking chameleon, i'll do anything to blend in.

bury me in memory

good night tonight. good dance class, next week may be my last irish step class (well with these girls, i may have to switch to a lower level, which really pisses me off), but tonight was fun. went to applebees with my girls from work, we harassed our carside boy, and we're probably hanging out with him tomorrow night.

i'm close to cracking.
i want to do this, but i'm scared. what if i fail, then how will i face you, the one person that i have to be strong for?
relapse again.

your thoughts mirror my own, and it scares me. maybe we'll both be better in june.

give your immortality to me; i'll set you up against the stars

i need to look into voice lessons, like now. singing makes me so happy, like i have no idea if i can really sing or not, i record myself using my computer's microphone, and sometimes i think i sound ok, other times i think that i suck, but who really likes their own voice anyway? but yes, voice lessons are a must.

i'm such an asshole, i was supposed to get up at 7 to wake up my brother so he could get to school. well i slept through my mother's phone call, and woke up when his para called at 9:45!!!! but i can't stand his para, i was like "what period is it, is it 3rd period yet?", because if you come in after 3rd period, you get marked absent, and she was like "don't bother bringing him in", and then i got him to school for 10 (beginning of 3rd period), and she started asking me if he took his medication while we were in the lobby!!!! i really don't like her. but i feel so bad, my brother slept through his english final because of me, and i know that its hell to try to get a makeup final (i never missed one, i would come in really sick, just to take a final).

i love how my laptop is supposed to have a 4-hour battery, and yet it dies after being unplugged for 2. and my dad took his power cord back because he needed it for this weekend, and mine doesn't work, so i can't use my laptop until sunday because my battery is almost dead right now, and i have no way of charging it. its not like i won't have internet access, i do have a desktop, but the speakers don't work, and i can't stay on it all night because its in my basement, and my basement is really creepy.

what will happen next; i don't wanna know

have you ever heard a song that just fills you with so much emotion? at the show the other night new found glory played "i don't wanna know", and i just got this feeling in my chest, like my heart was breaking. i love that song so much, every time i hear it i want to cry and sing my heart out, i don't know why. its a beautiful and sad song, i think its because i want what the song is about so badly, because i haven't experienced it yet.

so yes, fall out boy was fucking amazing, along with all of the other bands. i liked permanent me, they were all cute and they played some good music. lifetime was amazing, but nobody was really rocking out to them because we spotted pete and andy watching them from the wings, so everyone started taking pictures of them and stopped paying attention to lifetime. but i really liked them, they were so good!! then new found glory came on, i felt like i was 16 again, especially when they played "hit or miss", jordan had us sing the words, and i was one of a few people that knew them. and apparently ian is a hotter bass player than pete is. and the lead singer of say anything; matt, was there, and jordan hinted at them touring together, so i will so be there if they do!!! and then fall out boy came on. oh my goooooooooood, i think i died and went to heaven. they were so good, pete is like a little kid hopped up on sugar, he was running back and forth across the stage, spinning with his bass, leaping and spinning with it, he climbed onto this light thing and jumped off of it, he jumped into the crowd for "saturday", he licked Joe's guitar (damn my shortness, i saw a video of it before, i couldn't see it because they did it on the other side of the stage), best part of the night had to have been him licking his bass, and of course i didn't get a picture of it. joe troh is the craziest boy ever, he was running back and forth, jumping on things, and he kept on coming over to my side 'cause he liked us more, lol. patrick came over to us once, which was cool. andy is an amazing drummer, he just goes crazy up there. they sounded so good, they played some of my favorites (xo, patron saint of liars and fakes, dance, dance, nobody puts baby in a corner, this ain't a scene) and they just sounded amazing.

i must say, the crowd wasn't that bad either, it was filled with a lot of older kids, like 14 and up (although there was a 9-year-old there, she was pretty hardcore, we were all protecting her so she didn't get hurt), so they weren't as crazy as the 12-year-olds at the panic! show. there was a pit going on, and pete had to bring in a professional to start a circle pit, lol.

i wanted to slap some teenies, they were like 14, 15, and they were screaming shit like "i wanna fuck you pete wentz", i wanted to say to them "i have a better chance with him since i'm 19, so shut the fuck up", these were also the same girls that didn't pay attention to lifetime 'cause of pete and andy in the wings, and they also thought that everyone in the crowd would just let them through to the front, lol.

although i'm fucking pissed at my friends that were there. i met up with two of my friends that i saw panic! with (yay for being in college and not going back to school for 2 more weeks!), and t. well after the show i went to get my coat at coat check, and my 2 friends were gonna wait for me by where we walked in, and t was gonna find them 'cause we lost her during the show. so i come upstairs after the coat check, and they weren't in there anymore because the place was kicking people out, so i figured that i'd just meet them outside after i bought my merch. well i get out there, and they all disappeared!!! i met up with t on the train because she went to get it because she didn't feel well (stupid bitch was whining the whole time, when we were waiting outside, after the show, i'm NEVER going to a concert with her again), and my other 2 friends just left me and took the train over to brooklyn. whatever, i'm not gonna stress over it.

i swear like all of si's scene kids were there. i saw a girl that i dance with, this cute boy that works at hot topic (l and i tried to make him strip at the my chem cd party, that was a fun night), my livejournal friend, mad people that i go to/went to school with, it was so weird. and 2 girls recognized me from the panic! at the disco show, that was random.

a letter, if you will

hey, great show tonight. i've been a fan since early 2004/late 2003, and i've wanted to see you, and your band for years. i was blown away tonight, you guys sounded amazing, you were so hyper; jumping off of things and going into the crowd, i had a great time. thanks for playing "xo" and "patron saint of liars and fakes", i can die happy now because those are my favorite songs. i really wish that i could write as well as you do, you're an amazing lyricist. and your blog mirrors many of my own thoughts, but you describe them in ways that i never thought that i could. i spent 6 hours freezing in the cold, and it was so worth it to see you, have you be 5 feet away from me, and make eye contact.

tonight was a night where i felt alive.

i wonder how it would be to have your arms around me, to have your lips like that, whine to have your hands gently carressing mine.

going to see fall out boy on tuesday, i can't wait! their music and pete's lyrics got me through junior year of high school, and i may actually meet them!! i don't know what i'll say, like pete is the man that essentially saved me from killing myself that year, whenever i wanted to cut i'd sit there and listen to "take this to your grave" (i'm talking about late 2003/early 2004) and sing along and feel better. and he is an amazing lyricist. i'll probably ramble and make an ass out of myself like i did when i met matt friction the other night. but i'm really looking forward to this, i've wanted to see them since junior year, and now i'm finally able to. and new found glory is opening, and i love them, i hope they play "nothing gold can stay". i really hope that fob plays some stuff off of tttyg, that cd has some of my favorite songs by them.

fasting from 3am until the show so i don't look like crap in my clandestine clothes.

v2 deleted the myspace comment that i left him. dick.

i may start mobile blogging, probably when classes start up again, it'll give me something to do in class.

when you dance all night, you're gonna be loved

r and i went to see the pink spiders, who were opening for kill hannah last night. well the show was at the bowery ballroom, and we could not find it! we walked up prince street (past the prada store, and then the other way), but we didn't walk up far enough, like we thought we did, when we really didn't, so we then walked around trying to find it, and we finally went to a cafe and asked and they told us. we went the wrong way again, lol, and then we found it! but it took us like an hour, so we missed action reaction, but that's ok. love arcade came on, they were amazing!! they're all cute, they're all my age too!! the lead singer had the best dance moves (he's better at hip-hop then we are), and the guitarist had on a shirt from delia's that I almost bought. they were so good, the lead singer was throwing water at everyone and he jumped into the crowd!!! and he kept on calling himself an asshole, it was kinda cute. i bought their cd, its quite good. and then the pink spiders came on!!! they opened and closed with my favorites- soft smoke and modern swinger!! they were so good, they sound amazing!!! matt tried getting everyone to clap, that didn't work out too well, lol. then, at the end of modern swinger, matt was throwing stuff into the crowd- guitar pics, stuff like that. well he took off his fingerless gloves and threw them into the crowd, and then he took off his black wristbands that had pink polkadots on them and flung those into the crowd, and i got one!!!! i'm still wearing it. and then kill hannah came on, i never really listened to them before, like some songs sounded familiar, but i never really listened to them, and i love them! they are great, and they have a hot bassist, lol. then, after the show i met matt friction from the pink spiders! and i took a picture with him, but the first time we tried, i accidentally left my camera on video mode, so i have a little video clip with him, and then we took the actual picture. he's so nice, he was so happy to hear about how good they were from me. and then r and i walked to the train, we were singing and acting crazy, i love doing that with her.

you're not at all what you seem

i wish i was famous for not doing anything, like jac vanek. she's everything that i'm not- gorgeous, thin, and gets with rockstars (like ryan, from panic! at the disco, but they broke up a long time ago). but i'll never be famous. i'll never make it, i'll never see my name on a broadway marquee as the female lead in the best fosse musical. i'll never make it off of this shithole of an island, i'll be stuck here as a kindergarten teacher who wishes she was famous. i'm such a waste of life.

i can't stop shoving food in my mouth, please kill me. i ate pepperoni hot pockets at 4:30am, what the fuck is wrong with me?

oh, i'm adult large once again in costumes, i'm so happy that i'm not back to being an xl (i'll never be a medium because medium costumes are not made for girls with boobs).

i never felt so alive

still up. thinking about v1 and listening to 3 days grace, so its another emo night for me.

i have so much that i want to say, but i don't know how to write it down.

so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different

tonight got really fucked up, we didn't go to times square (which i'm so pissed about 'cause i was gonna see panic! again) because e's boyfriend didn't want us to meet him at his job and then go to times square, he wanted all of us to take the 4pm ferry over to the city, and since they closed the trains we would've had to walk a lot, so we didn't go. so instead we chilled at her bf's house with his hot brothers (the one i really like is 16... i feel like a fucking pedophile for thinking that he's hot) and watched jackass 2, ate pizza, played poker, and watched jackass2 again. then we crammed 7 of us into e's little car and went to a party. we didn't know anyone there, so we all chilled together. i took a shot of southern comfort with my friends, but that was it. my problem is that once i start drinking, i won't stop, i know this. watched the ball drop, and then we went outside to call/text people (v2 actually sent me a coherent happy new years text back- which means he wasn't trashed yet, lol), and once i came back in, the song that they had on was "go on" by taking back sunday, so that's the first song that i heard this year, which makes me happy. then someone broke a chandelier, so we bounced. we went back to e's bf's house and we all hung out and hid in his older brother's room when his mom got home, lol. we burrowed under the blankets, the younger brother laid on top of us, answered random questions, watched the boys wrestle, listened to good music, and then left our friend and e's bf's older brother alone so they could hook up. we wound up hanging out in e's bf's room, watching him and his cute younger brother play chess incredibly high, lol.

i was actually flirting with e's bf's younger brother, which is something that i rarely do. like after he got e and our friend to make out, we went back to go and sit and i went to sit in his chair, which was a computer chair that rolled. when i was running to sit in it and he was pulling it away from me, and i was trying to sit, and then he yanked it out and i wound up on the floor!! but he was sooooo cute, he felt so bad, i was like awwwwwwww. i smacked him playfully and then he gave me the seat, lol. and we were talking and i went to go back downstairs and i turned back to him and said something and i totally stuck my ass out a bit.

after the ball dropped, and i was outside texting people, it felt like the perfect night, i was standing there in jeans, a long sleeved tee, a tee shirt, and socks (my shoes were in the house), and i wasn't cold at all, it was absolutely perfect. and i was standing there, and i knew that this was my night to change for the better. this time next year i will be under 100lbs, with a boyfriend, and incredibly happy.