i can try, but sometimes that is not enough

i feel so lost. i have a new, fantastic job, but i’m so lonely. i just wish i had someone. my friend wants to fix me up with someone, but i’m terrified, then i complain that i’m lonely. i don’t get it.

i feel so inadequate, i’m failing at being an adult. so i have a job, but i’m alone, and i can’t find a place to live. if i met someone, i can’t even bring them where i’m staying. i feel empty. nothing helps this feeling of emptiness- not music, not dance, not shopping, nothing. those bandaids don’t help any more. i feel like such a failure. friends are married/getting married, pregnant, and then there’s me. i feel like a lost child.

after what happened at my old job, i’m terrified of failing. sometimes the anxiety starts- it begins in my chest, and spreads through my body like a monster. sometimes my jaw gets tense. sometimes i’m nauseous. sometimes my heart is racing. it’s different each day. i have to keep telling myself that my old job was bad, and this isn’t like that. but there is that stupid little voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of how much i failed. i don’t like failure, it terrifies me.

i appreciated your words the other day. you helped me feel better after shit happened, and made me laugh too. now if only you gave me a compliment, because i know i looked damn good.